The journey part 2 awakening

The theories stating, we are programmed within those first seven to ten years are correct.  As you read in the previous blog, my experiences within those first years had an impact on me that would reflect in my life through my own choices based on the experiences of those first ten years of life.  And as that frequency was established within me, I would reflect those beliefs into creation time and time again, until I was awakened. 

My awakening began very slowly in 2007.  Though I had always been awake to the metaphysical world that existed in what I called beyond the veil, then I did not understand how it interacted or why it interacted with this world.  I certainly did NOT know I was a part of it. 

One of the first changes I made was when I began dating my brother’s best friend.  He was so nice and treated me so well; it was almost as if I could not accept this treatment.  I became aware of my strong reaction to push him away.  In this awareness, I reflected on the other amazing people who came into my life. Still, I had pushed away always choosing those who were as damaged as I.  Somewhere in me, I felt safer being mistreated, rather than the unknown of being treated with value. In this realization, I chose something new. 

I was in my early thirties and decided that the choices I had made in the past that were comfortable but always abusive would need to stop, and I was the only one who could do that. I faced many fears in those early years; the biggest was trying something new.  Through trusting him completely, I made the first change in my experience. I manifested a mate who would support me, cherish me, and always be open to honest communication with me.  Most importantly, he would never hurt me, and if he did, we immediately shared our thoughts and feelings jointly without fear.  I changed the frequency through choice.

Though I would still struggle over the next four years with some very traumatic issues, a custody battle and divorce that showed me more of the dysfunction of the family court structures,  I had established a support system that was made of my husband and his mother; it was the support I needed to awaken further. This further awakening would begin with one simple question; Who are you? I rattled off a bunch of things I did, roles I played, but none described WHO I AM.  It was at this moment that I realized I had no fucking idea WHO I WAS! And THIS would be the journey for the next thirteen years.

At first, I thought it was discovering who I was, but then it quickly moved to remember and realize.  The first hint was that I could leave my physical body, not permanently but temporarily.  Through intention, I sought to discover who I was.  It happened when I was vacuuming the house one day.  Suddenly I was up behind my body observing myself, the back of my head from above and the back of my body doing just vacuuming the floor.  And then I began recalling one of the concepts of Eckhart Tolle, which was the game-changer.  We are not our story; we are not our bodies.  I suddenly realized I am only experiencing not the experience. 

During this time, I was seeking treatment for addiction.  And the words Hello, I am Charolette, and I am an addict were pushed on me daily.  Recognizing this agreement, I immediately stopped saying that, I began with I am Charolette, and I have experienced addiction.  I am only one of a few who transcended beyond the prison of these shame-based practices, and systems were keeping us in through agreement and reaffirmation.

Thankfully, in my creation of support, I manifested an amazing counselor who would begin the journey of self-discovery with me.  She held space as I explored what I knew myself to be, consciousness expressing and experiencing.  My journey opened her to her own, her need to force her perspectives onto me dissipated , and we began to explore outside of the box of learned perception.  Together we have witnessed each other realize and find the balance between the dualistic programmed perspectives and perceptions, finding our way back to the authentic self. 

This series of experiences was my AWAKENING.  I stepped back into my CREATOR BEING, by beginning to make conscious changes in my reality and seeing those changes reflect in my sphere of reality. I CHANGED THE FREQUENCY! Establishing a new template.

To be continued…

The journey part 1 survival

Breaking the chains and freeing the divine feminine.  It begins by sharing my journey into detachment from feeling—a generational cycle of abuse and beliefs that has allowed for the hijacking of the feminine.  I am healing these wounds and breaking the cycle now. There is a push towards acceptance of these lifestyles as these shadows come to the surface to be seen and integrated.  Pedophilia is being treated as a sexual orientation, and not caring for your children is being considered a lifestyle.  As the light shines, so does the darkness in this dualistic reality. Until we heal, integrate, and return to neutrality with love and compassion moving beyond dualistic perceptions, this warping and pain will continue. What I heal in me I heal in all generations.  I will share my journey in several parts through this blog over the coming month. It is not easy reading, so if you are a spiritual bypasser, read no further. It will make you uncomfortable, and you might have thoughts that project your shadow towards me. If you are ready to understand how the divine feminine is highjacked generationally from my perspective of experience, read on.

My life experience was based on the duality between being considered a whore or a saint.  My experiences in the reactions of others have always been I am either TOO much or NOT enough.  As a small child in poverty recruited into modeling and that failed career as a child laborer to becoming a stripper as soon as I turned 18-years-old, I worked toward having enough in and out of jobs as a teen mother, high school and college dropout, a cycle of life always based in lack.  Striving for what I perceived was happiness I worked several jobs over the next 20 years to acquire just enough money for the husband, car, house, inground pool, and children.  Until I suddenly got a glimpse, Maslow’s hierarchy is a crock of shit! Maslow never accounts for trauma, and we are a traumatized society, each of us to certain degrees. I recognized that though I had gained these material goods, I was still terribly unhappy, there was still a hole I was using drugs and alcohol to escape. But I needed to understand why. Can we reach esteem and self-actualization without healing our wounds and discovering, reattaching to the true self?  NO! Maslow does not account for the fact that we believe we are the story, and that is the biggest missing piece.

In this awareness and unawareness, I continued to plummet into despair over the next few years as I detached further once my doctor prescribed opiates.  Yes, my doctor, with his Hippocratic oath, prescribed me hundreds of Percocet when I came to him and said that pain meds helped my emotional pain.  I would later find out he was also using pain meds in the same way, let’s call that off label use.  My use of opiates spiraled quickly over the next four years, but that awareness and support from a loved one provided the rope I needed to begin my climb out of my personal hell.  This brought me to the place where the real awakened journey could begin. This blog is the story shared through the perceptions of a wounded child who finally discovered who she is and continues to evolve into the best version of herself through self-mastery guided by reattachment to the authentic self and the divine feminine.

I am the product of several parents, one biological mother, and a removed bio father then adopted while in first grade by my mother’s husband, all who had dysfunction, emotional and sexual abuse carried with them into my upbringing.  The saying hurt people hurt people was created, in reality, they are often unaware of their suffering projected onto others. 

My mother was terribly ungrounded and moved a lot, chasing men in my early years.  Her parents abandoned her in her childhood years through a lack of protection and acknowledgment of her wounds.  They then finalized that abandonment physically by moving across the country and leaving her to care for me alone but provided a roof over her head by leaving my mother their home to reside and raise me.  This roof came with strings; she had to perform to their standards.  When my mother decided to date an African American male, this represented safety to her; white men had only abused her.  Her parents promptly removed that roof and any perceptions of security she had left.  Even with my mother being pregnant with a second child from a previous relationship, they abandoned her yet again because she did not perform to their standards.  A practice my mother repeated with me and has mastered in her life.  The non-racists teachings of her parents did not apply when it was their daughter dating an African American male. My mother’s sexual abuse and abandonment issues would become the foundation of my raising.  I would learn the same ungrounded and seeking behaviors. 

Please know I do not blame anyone; we are all only doing what we know how to do to survive.  I have observed generation after generation repeating the same cycle of wounds.  I am bringing light to how our unawareness and survival state of being are continuing the trauma, causing a detachment of the true self.  It is only through compassionate and honest exploration that we can change the energy of the systems and creations of belief culturally, and otherwise.   

There were several attempts for my mother to become stabilized; we moved all our things into a home only to have it burn down before we began living there. Though we had stayed on and off with my mother’s friend and her child, who was the same age as I. Once homeless after my grandparents kicked her out, my mother and I stayed with that girlfriend longer term. This was not a great scene, my mother’s friend was wildly physically and emotionally abusive to her son, and my ability to perceive someone in pain projecting even at this young age did not sit well with her. She had a rage in her that my mother did not protect me from though I did not receive it as much as her son. 

My mother was pregnant when meeting her African American mate, and we shortly moved in together.  He had a good job but had wounds of his own, which he escaped through drugs and alcoholism.  In a custody battle with my bio father and my sister’s father, the court gave my mother and her African American boyfriend thirty days to get married.  My bio father now remarried with two new children, a good job, and all the amenities of life did not want ani infiltration onto or to ruin his new stable life. Then on wife number two of what would be eight wives who fiercely despised me was made apparent through their actions. He made choices based on his upbringing of abuse and trauma as well.  Again, a repetitious cycle as his father had remarried and done almost the same thing.  Shortly after, he signed his rights away, paid my mother and her husband, and her new husband adopted me, now considered my father on my birth certificate.  The girl whose father did not want her became solidified, and I evolved into the white girl with the black dad.  I was literally sold and bought for escape money. Like my new father’s ancestors before him, I was a commodity.

 I always looked up to him, he was wicked intelligent and often called an uncle tom, he didn’t quite fit in, something he passed on to me.  Of all the gratitude I have for him, not fitting into the box was something I truly appreciated.  And he was my dad, a man who was a veteran, lost his job due to alcoholism, but fought in his moments of sobriety to finish college obtaining a decent job to care for two white daughters who were not his biological children.  I consider this his most significant accomplishment due to his self imposed imprisonment.  His own wounds never allowed him to safely attach or trust; he was distant all my life, a prisoner of his own brilliant mind that continues to struggle with alcoholism to this day.

At five years old, we as a family moved to the projects and began living amongst other terribly traumatized people. My mother began allowing me to stay the night at the home’s others.  As far as I can remember, my sexual experiences began around five or six years.  I would play outside and be gone all day; my mother never knew what I was doing or who I was with.  The needs of children did not come first, and I believe that she learned this from her own parents.  At five years old, I stayed the night at several friends’ homes; my mother was never caring or concerned. These were the homes of some of the most traumatized and abused of society. Let’s just say they were not healthy people creating healthy environments. 

At six years old we met a photographer who took pictures of me when I was in a school play.  He exposed my money-making potential as a child model and the relationship with him began as my agent and photographer.  Though he was an agent of much more and to this day I am uncertain how my mother did not see that.  My mother had experienced sexual abuse by the hands of her brother and was not protected by her parents.  The same cycle would repeat as I was sent to stay with this thirty-year-old single man for weeks sometimes months at a time when I was only six years old. This practice would become normal over the next five years of my life.

It was at six years old when I learned how to make that final detachment from my authentic self.  This man even in the sexual abuse was caring for me.  And he took really good care of me, giving me the stability and nurturing a young child needed.  But with everything I had learned so far, it came with a price, and that was the price of my innocence. And at that age, it was not my place to make such choices, yet I was forced to do so, and the trauma cycle continued.

This was the moment my divine feminine became imprisoned within my body and mind.  I learned to survive through detachment using my sexuality and distortion of the feminine, a practice I would carry through most of my life. The pattern of behavior and beliefs begin through the experiences. The frequency of this experience would attract its match for many years to come.

to be continued…

Integration of the shadow discovering freedom

It began on the weekend of July 4.  I had this awareness that humans had started to be freed from the systems of control, and it was only through us choosing empowerment that our reality changed.  Though it had been my practice for many areas of my life, there were still many systems that I agreed to that maintained power over me through the authority that I gave to them. 

On that weekend, EVERY firework display was canceled due to COVID, and the place that would display fireworks had strict enforcement about remaining in the car or being fined and arrested.  Because I am changing my agreements to sovereignty, I choose not to participate in events or situations that hold this type of energy unless I have a need and can find no other way.  We just figured it would be an uneventful weekend with our children, bought some sparklers, cooked on the grill, and stayed home.  This family time is a typical summer weekend minus the sparklers.

When the weekend arrived, July 3 brought a firework display that rivaled the professionals right in front of my home.  A group of people had gotten together, pulled their resources, and created a beautiful show for the neighborhoods in the park near my house.  On the fourth, we experienced something even more spectacular, throughout my neighborhood in all directions, there were firework displays that again rivaled the professionals.  Instead of responding to being told where to go with strict guidelines groups within the neighborhoods that pulled together and created their displays instead.  Not just the typical bottle rockets and roman candles, but the spectacular shows of lights that danced together, creating beautiful presentations.  The evening was filled with these firework displays in every direction all night long. Fireworks are not legal without a license here in Ohio, but enforcement was lacking. I saw for the first time what could happen when we said no and tried something new within the community. In changing our agreements, we experienced something so much more.  I had a beautiful relaxing weekend with my family. We never left our home or dealt with any chaos due to any enforcement with which we were not in alignment.

This point is when I began to see the reaction, response, change energy ramp up.  Throughout the month, I observed as the shadows surfaced, bringing the possibility for change into view.  Many of the people surrounding me, including myself, experienced some sort of deep shadow come into awareness through different situations to be integrated through a change in response.  My own shadow brought a feeling of disconnection; I felt as though I was stuck in my physical body by allowing others to have perceived power over me.  A deep feeling of breaking out of confinement programmed beliefs and connection to the raw divine feminine began to immerge from within my sacral area.  I could feel the jolt, and she began to shift much within me. My perceptions began to widen, and another layer was revealed. 

If you read my blog, you know I have been having trouble with doctors and dentists, and what I discovered was it was time to respond differently.  Through this experience, I realize where I internalized my interactions and felt like there was something wrong with me; of course, why else would people treat me this way.  The final straw was several dentist appointments to be referred to a dentist who does not do what I was referred for and did not have an appointment available until October 19.  The current dentist would not make any changes in his plan of care, telling me I have been referred out, and I am done.  NO TWO-WAY communication just not answering my calls for days and then answered in text repeating the referral, and that’s it.  In the meantime, I have a huge hole in my tooth that is causing infection every time something gets in it! The treatment plan is redundant and absurd; I am meant to take this as-is, accept, agree, and comply.

The same thing with the primary care doctor, always wanting to give me a pill or remove a body part, or just downright avoidance tactics, never addressing or searching for underlying issues that have caused the symptom.  This game of power of others, do what I say even if it makes no sense and is not really in your best interest, is a trigger for me. It does not resonate, and I feel the energy reverberation from many interactions like this since birth and across lifetimes.  It is a game of power over others, is based on perception, and if I agree to it, it continues. 

I became aware of the trigger of a lack of accountability, compassion, and the perception of control this month and what my typical reaction to those experiences are deciding on new responses.  I choose empowerment, like the fireworks displays in my neighborhood. I will find another way. To say, no, this is not going to work for me; there is another choice available.  The way you are treating me is NOT okay, and recognizing this treatment has nothing to do with me but is created in the perceptions and beliefs of others is the key. By no longer consenting and seeking a method or practice that does match my energy, with respect, compassion, and accountability, I am changing my agreement.   

I see these systems that assert power over others and have a sense of control built into them.  For instance, the US government right now is like watching pre-teens.  If I did my job like that or cared for my family in this way, I would get fired or be imprisoned.  The government and health care providers work for us! We do not work for them!  And here is the choice in energy; by being subservient and accepting it, we agree to it.

While I am so very sensitive to energy, and at times it physically hurts me, I will stand in choices that do not feel good as the truth is exposed.  It isn’t convenient to have to find all new doctors or change my plan of care altogether, moving away from allopathic medicine in general.  And it doesn’t feel good to face my shadows, observing myself with awareness. However, I am learning to have more compassion and love in this area. It isn’t easy to take action against the status quo that, in every new choice, more people dissolve their relationships with you because of the cognitive dissonance it stimulates.  But it is what I must do to move into sovereignty.

I have discovered this path was solitary over the years, often pushing the boundaries of the perceptions of reality.  Finally, breaking free from the bondage and prison that there is something wrong with me and that I should be ashamed of that something.  Today moving into August, I am beginning to feel a new sense of freedom, another level of experience that is beyond the confines of the elusive control.  I make new choices, take new actions, and create new realities full of amazing NOVEL experiences.  I AM FREE.

And in the typical synchronicity, as my higher aspects use many methods to show me the path that flows, I was taken to a friend’s post where she shared the very song my guides had been paying for me.  Twisted Sister, “We’re Not Gonna Take It.”  It doesn’t have to be a fight; it is a choice with action and an agreement.  WE ARE FREE.


One of the things that continued to show itself to me is where I was reaching outside of myself to heal and to validate.  The past few nights, the messages about sovereignty through boundaries and where I create agreements is paramount.  It has taken me many years to understand just how sensitive I am to energies.  In the past, the typical response is that I need more boundaries, but as a person who reached outside of herself to validate the self, knowing what a healthy boundary is was difficult—detaching from the authentic self as a safety mechanism in childhood reversed my system.  Instead of living from the “inside out,” I lived from the “outside in.” With this system of operation, how would one have healthy boundaries that allow for a state of sovereignty?

Too often, I had heard there was something wrong with me; I was too sensitive or not expressive enough, and required better boundaries.  All communications were in lack, the typical you do not measure up to the standards we have set for you, not good enough cycle of abuse.  When we believe these perspectives, we are agreeing to them and creating from this state of being. 

Beginning in 2019, a pronounced difficulty with allopathic medicine presented itself.  It was a control dynamic, one where I was giving my power away in agreement.  I am not against western medicine; we have made great strides in discovery and invention in the field.  But I believe when we work with a healer, whether it is allopathic, natural path, ayurvedic, or any other modality, it is an agreement to work in partnership. The healer is only holding the space or providing extended tools to heal ourselves.  No one knows my body and the sensations that I feel better than me.  I am so sensitive to any shift in energy and any change that occurs in my body.  I have a relationship with my body; I am NOT my body.  So like a car that has a sudden change in feeling when you touch the gas or brake, that sound when the engine needs an attunement, I hear and feel my body.

Last August, I learned that I had a thyroid issue.  I had gone to doctors, not trusting myself, seeking answers with many symptoms for the years prior.  A doctor did NOT find my issue; I was sent to a dermatologist.  I discovered it because I tracked my body’s processes. After a few years and more symptoms, I then went with the diagnosis to my doctor, which was confirmed in blood work.  I was put on medicine, and that was that.  There were no questions as to the cause or what I could do other than taking this pill.  I sat with my body to discover what was behind my thyroid issues. My body communicated that the very energy of not enough ness and lack caused a cascade failure in my body from my gut to my adrenals, onto thyroid, and more. I began to listen more intently to my body and trust her.

This brings me to the over-exaggerated messages I continue to receive about boundaries and sovereignty.  If you read my blog, you know I had a go-round with getting relief from an infected tooth, teeth issues also a result of the enamel breaking down due to gut and thyroid issues (discovered in MY research).   I received an antibiotic from my PC; this was one different from the one I had manifested for myself; I took it and had an awful reaction to it, not digestive but emotionally and energetically! I immediately began feeling strange, like I was underwater.  My husband knew something was wrong, and I didn’t know what to do, I was supposed to take this antibiotic for my tooth and continued out of fear.  I pushed through as my higher self-kept giving me signals to stop.  They continued to play the song by REM, “What’s the frequency, Kenneth.” I discontinued the antibiotic, and as time passed, I began to feel better. 

When I visited the dentist yesterday to have my tooth removed, I was told I needed to have the x rays repeated because he was looking at the wrong tooth and was confused that I was saying a tooth was infected when it was not on the image the week prior when we met.  All I could do was laugh! Then he shot me up with numbing agents, gave it little time to spread, and began to work on my tooth of which I could feel everything.  Frustrated because I could feel and the medicine was not working quickly enough for him, he said I needed to be sedated by an oral surgeon that the tooth would probably break, and he would not be able to work on me.  I was given a different antibiotic with a referral.  I got home and called the referred doctor and found the earliest appointment was October, and they did not sedate for what I needed to be done.  Mind you; I have had teeth pulled in the past.  While it isn’t what I want to do on a Friday afternoon when the meds are working, I am numb, and the dentist is patient I have no problem.

I called my dentist back to inform them the referral was not going to work; this new dentist does not provide the needed services.  They said they would call me back, and I never heard from anyone for the rest of the day.  Now I have a hole in my tooth and no upcoming plan, except for more antibiotics!

These experiences are about living from the inside out and forging the boundaries required that allow me to express my frequency in a sovereign way.  I am NOT TOO ANYTHING, and there is nothing WRONG with me.  The question is and always has been, how do I operate in agreements that are in sovereignty?   Not just within medicine but in all areas.  This is what the divine mother has been showing me and teaching me, where I had never learned to have boundaries forged from the inside extending out.  I always have accommodated others and worked to make everyone happy to survive.  The safety this provides is an illusion and keeps me in agreement with victimhood within the power over other structures of reality.

I feel like I am on the precipice of a significant shift in creating the changes in physicality that I require and desire.  I have been playing with frequencies in many ways for many years, and the messages have all led me to this now. When I feel into specific ideas, I can literally feel them in my body, almost like a taste test before agreeing to them.  And while many people do not see and feel frequencies the way I do, that is okay.  I have learned I AM oaky.  This is my unique divine perspective and reality as we all have our own, no two the same. Disease is a frequency, and I can see it and feel it when I explore beyond my sphere of reality.   

The messages were received in their entirety.  I have no fear and know I am safe.  I did not get upset yesterday or overwhelmed as I would have in the past; I only laughed, knowing how silly the messages had to get for me to see and respond in a sovereign way.  Ask yourself where you have agreed to ideas that are on the outside of you brought within and made manifest?  Are you sovereign?  What messages are being communicated, giving you a choice into the next now? 

As I continue to work by pulling information from the field and healing through frequencies, I am sovereign in manifesting from the inside out.  Because if I am honest, all the healing I have done in my life has come from me and no other place that exists outside of me.  It was me who sought out information, it was me who went within to feel and explore, and ultimately it was me who made it all manifest in my physical expression and my sphere of reality.  Our agreements determine our sovereignty; I am no longer operating in a lack within the power over others, structure.  I AM SOVEREIGN! What’s your frequency?


Life is oscillatory; we see it in many functions, including the cell.  We all go through contraction and expansion through this oscillation as each oscillation takes us into a new expression of form.  For me, awareness of these states brings the most significant change.  It is through embodiment that I sense the shifts throughout many states of being.  The last weeks I have recognized the divine feminine within me is ready for a breakthrough in a very primal way.  As I observed the many feelings that accompany this experience, I acknowledge its connection generationally, across time and space.  The tension and contractions that held this energy back for generations are ready to burst and flow freely. The cells rejoicing as the numbness is released and the cells begin to experience freedom in their authentic free form of expression.

I used to work with other modalities and healers but, over time, got turned off by the constant projection and filtrations of others.  The perceptions through the mind build a differing reality for each of us, and that is okay.  However, the inability to hold unconditionally loving space for another is something that affects me because I am so very sensitive to the energy of others.  I require a space where I can release completely and fully, yet I have not been able to find someone who can hold this type of space for what I need to accomplish.  This interaction would be void of me having boundaries and opening in complete trust.  I have had one conversation where a dear friend held unconditionally loving space, and I am very grateful.  She showed me it was indeed possible.  As I processed this information, I realized I might need more than a person.  I may need assistance differently than I have experienced to date.

Meditation, breathing techniques, and yoga have been my go-to practice.  They have opened the door to journeying, removing layers, and integrated my parts and pieces.  This practice is the long game; it has taken me years to slowly with ease and grace work through the distortions and discords, creating the perceptions of the illusion of separation. I have known others to partake in outside substances that provide a breakthrough, which is a short cut and perfect for them, I have never ventured here.  I experienced the same visions and insights over more extended periods and am grateful for the long journey.  Yet, I realize I may need more.

In a moment of reflection, I considered ayahuasca and investigated what is available as far as retreats.  Then it came to me; all I need to do for now is call in the spirit of the divine mother to work with me.  If I have been able to experience the very same visons as those who take these medicines through meditation, why wouldn’t I be able to experience this plant medicine via intention?  This past April, I took a workshop hoping to learn something I had desired to know since I was exposed to it more than ten years prior.  However, I quickly discovered that through intention and meditation, all of the information had already been made available to me since my first interaction with it. I already know everything is within, and I mean EVERYTHING is inside of me, the fractal nature of the universe.  All I need to do is access it.  And so last night I began what will be a long journey.  I called in Mother Ayahuasca. 

My journey began as I was flying above an area of trees; all I could see was the treetops from far above.  At first, I was flying in what felt and looked like a red hang glider, but then I became some sort of bird.  I transitioned through a kaleidoscope of colors and saw a snake slithering toward me. Immediately this huge snake consumed me from my head down to my feet.  Once inside, the scene transitioned to three darker-skinned people, adorned in clothing that was deep blues with headdresses made of red, blue, white, and green beads that wrapped and dangled.  I could not see their faces.  Suddenly I began seeing the pattern of a jaguar; it was in blue, orange, and green hues.  It was as if I was traveling over a terrain made of this jaguar fur.  I never saw beyond the coat, and my journey ended for the evening.  Or so I thought.

This divine spirit continued to work on me all night through lucid dreams.  She was inside my body moving things and removing layers.  Showing me what I was previously unable to see.  I was covered in sweat and could feel the changes.  She communicated the process through many visuals and gave many details related to ancestral trauma and energies stored at the cellular level.  I could literally feel the oscillation with my body’s cells.  And so, a NEW journey has begun—a journey into expansion through new experiences as a result of my recent contraction and full embodiment.  Everything I need is always accessible; no travel needed; all I need is to set the intention and know it is so.  I have entered a journey into new realms of consciousness.  And without judgment, only with pure love and compassion, I allow on the other side of the contraction.

Flowing in the NOW, what a ride!

Being fully present always or experiencing in the now is something I have been working towards since 2011. My awareness was brought here through the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, as I downloaded an mp3 of one of his books and began a series of walking meditations. My exposure to his concepts started a journey and a process of releasing learned behaviors and perceptions over the years.  Last week I finally found the destination of the now yet again and had remained present.   

See, most of us judge our experiences through learned perceptions of a duality structure.  When we have what has been labeled as negative experiences, we judge them and resist them.  However, each experience is a messenger, and when we open our eyes to becoming consciously aware, we receive the message.  When we judge the experience and resist it, we are not open to receiving the message.  And what we resist either persists or gets louder so we may finally receive the message giving us a choice.  Many humans are not living their lives in a consciously aware state, but I believe a great awakening is occurring, each of us on the return to awareness on our individual and unique paths.

As humans begin to move into a more integrated state, we move more out of the shadow and into balance with our light. As a whole, we are dark and light, probably with grayscale! We are complete in every way; it is only through our agreements and perceptions that we create the illusion of separation in our experience.  These experiences are communicating how to move into an integrated state, allowing for an integrated experience of the flow which occurs in the now.  No longer experiencing in a dualistic state, each integration erases an elusive veil of experience in separation, returning us to our true state of wholeness as divinity. And with each integration, our experiences shift into more of what we prefer, for most of us out of the darkness.

If you read my blog last week about my adventures in allopathic medicine, you know how triggering the lack of compassion and accountability were for me.  I had been working on these perceptions of control and unworthiness for many years but had a real awareness and focus on new choices surrounding these perceptions this past year.  I knew it was my belief that created my internal state of being, and I continued to manifest these experiences.  But what I was learning last week was how I had not been able to remain in the now and completely present because I was pulling frequencies with me into the next now. 

I see this with myself and with my clients, the one thing they cannot seem to let go of they continue to pull along with them recreating it in the next now moment.  The message was abundantly clear last week in each moment I was aware of my safety, security, and support. Yet I reached into the previous perceived negative experience of doctors not calling and my perceived lack of compassion and pulled it right into my now moment.  I finally saw how my record continued to play, pulling the old frequency of nonpreferred experience, mixing it with my present frequency of safety and security.  At that moment, I let go completely!  I finally received the message in its entirety.  And EVERYTHING shifted into my preferred state of flow.

I know my sphere of reality is a projection through me.  My state of being, beliefs, and perceptions creates that projection.  And as far as I have journeyed these last fifteen years, this depth of understanding frequency was one of the last messages I seemed to miss repeatedly.  Or did I?  It is always perfect in the now.  We are all given a choice in each now, awareness and letting go of old beliefs is the key, and we are going exactly where we need to be.  When we expect things to show up in particular ways, we are limiting the possibility and recreating what we already believe.  The more I let go and step further into the unknown, the more I AM blown away by the magic (science) of this reality.

Flowing in the NOW! Wow, what a RIDE!

Since this experience of shift, I am feeling the frequency change from very grounded denser energies.  The awareness is showing me what the frequency changes look like in a layered way.  When I am in the denser frequencies I am very grounded in my body, I am hungry and require much more active self care.   However, when integration occurs, it is like being accelerated through into lighter frequencies.  I am no longer hungry and require little active self-care.  My meditation experiences become more fluid and interdimensional.  I am no longer grounded in my 3d body but an experience through my multidimensional being, it feels like TRUE FREEDOM. 

I am experiencing self-mastery and sovereignty.  This experience is what is on tap and available to us ALL if we choose.

Open to the possibility

I live my life according to the laws of Arthur C. Clark. Clark stated three laws, and they are as follows. One, “When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.” Next, “The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.” And Finally, “Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” My journey in this life and experiences beyond have proven Clark’s laws to be correct.  This incarnation is a game, I am consciously aware of my conditioning, and each day I move beyond it into what I consider to be the reality hidden from all of us. 

Working with clients, I get to see them move beyond the conditioning into reality.  The conversation always starts with coincidentally this or that happened.  Once we begin to open the conscious gate, the magic begins.  Synchronicity, as the natural state of flow, begins to show up more and more frequently as clients move into alignment.  They quite literally start to experience the science of this reality as veils of illusion are removed, and the perception shifts.

I can assist people on this journey through tools that work specifically for them because I explored and tasted so much on my adventure into self-mastery. My journey has taken me to this state of love and compassion for myself.  I spent so many years working to attain the peace and joy I knew was out there.  Through compassion and love for others, I worked tirelessly to cultivate the reality I desire. However, it was only when I began to go deep within, cultivating a depth of love and compassion for myself that I created the experiences the desired experiences with my environments and relationships. At this point, I began to understand another science of this reality; it is a simulation being projected from within me, and my state of being is writing the adventure. 

ENTER THE LAST TWO DAYS. Here’s the rundown of events resulting in MAGIC!

Several weeks ago, I attempted to schedule a dental appointment after my dentist decided to close the office near my home and only work out of his primary office about thirty minutes away.  I was willing to travel as I have several fillings that have gone bad due to undiagnosed digestive issues (gluten) paired with a thyroid issue that began breaking down the enamel on my teeth.  I was informed that due to COVID, it wouldn’t be until August 31 before I could get in.  I called around and discovered many dentists’ offices had closed due to the pandemic, and I could not get into a new dentist any sooner.  So I took the appointment.  And just as my intuition told me I needed to schedule an appointment, one of my fillings became loose, and my tooth got infected.

I called the dentist asking to get in or have an antibiotic called in because I was in some pain.  The day went on, and after several attempts, I never heard back from the dentist.  The morning upset due to what I perceive as lack of compassion I was told they could not call an antibiotic in I would need to be seen, but they didn’t have any openings for several days.  So I called my primary care physician who is was out for the day, but I was able to get an appointment for telehealth with the other physician in the office.  Note, they are not seeing patients, only doing telehealth, or sending patients to urgent care.  I could not see going to urgent care for a dental issue in which I had an appointment in Aug and only required an antibiotic.  I sat for about twenty minutes prior to the scheduled call until over an hour after the scheduled time, thinking maybe the doctor was running late.  The call never came.  I then attempted to get a hold of the answering service because, by this time, the office was closed, and was I unsuccessful. 

This type of experience IS MY KRYPTONITE!

Time and time again, I experience this type of treatment when it comes to health care—a complete lack of compassion or accountability.  My belief is that most of these actions are based on how much they can charge my insurance company and not my well being.  Health care is currently run as a business and not a right and certainly does not have my safety and security in mind.  When I experience this, I feel my need to control kickback.  I feel the threat, I do not feel safe, and I also do not feel good enough to deserve safety as a trigger of old programming.  This typically causes me to spiral into unconscious states and chaos until I can pull myself together and move back into conscious awareness.  Still, the situation has not been remedied; I have only shifted my awareness out of reaction into response and make my way through until the situation is resolved. 

 However, THIS TIME I did a few things differently.  I remained consciously aware throughout the whole experience.  I asked my guide what to do next and to be shown what choices I could make to create a better experience.  I was shown to have compassion for myself and allow.  My guidance showed me what to do to get through physically by recommending saltwater rinses and peroxide rinses with ibuprofen. Reminded to get centered and watch my breath.  To trust, I will always be okay and taken care of, and I felt the shift. I was comfortable for the time being and had fantastic support from family and friends.   

Suddenly I heard “look in the cupboard,” I reached into my cupboard of old medicines in the hopes that I would find one or two lone antibiotics. The very first bottle I pulled out was a bottle of twelve Amoxicillin.  Those had never been there before! I have looked in that cupboard MANY times this last year for antibiotics for the bladder infections I used to have.  THOSE WERE NOT THERE; they certainly should not have been the first bottle in the front of a shelf full of medicines.  I felt a sudden surge of magic come over me, a shift into a new reality was made apparent, and I knew I would be okay. I had just manifested exactly what I needed!

The one thing I continued to do, even though I was comfortable and now safe, was to replay the lack of compassion and accountability of those I had encountered over and over in my mind. Remaining consciously aware and having only written about this a few days prior, it was clear that I was holding onto to things that were not important (clutter).  At that point, I let go again.  I had finally broken the pattern of holding onto things that I no longer needed! Without judgment for holding onto my anger, I let go of what was not important and became fully present.  And felt me anchor into a more pleasant reality timeline. 

I believe we shift through realities many times per some minute measurement based on our current state of being and belief structures. As I shifted by remaining conscious and open to my guidance, allowing her to run the show, my beliefs became more malleable.  I believed in possibility.  The openness shifted me into a reality where my needs where met, and I was no longer in lack. 

The next morning as I went to change the sheets on my bed, I realized just how far I had shifted!  The duvet on my bed, which only had ties to secure it to the cover on one side, now has ties on all four sides! AND my doctor’s office returned my phone call and made a new telehealth appointment calling in an antibiotic to clear any infection.  The shift out of lack was made apparent as I received many gifts throughout the day.  By letting go of things that have no value, I opened to the things that do.  With love, compassion, and trust, I navigated to a new reality.  I manifested instantaneously!

This is the reality that has been hidden from you.  This is the magic that is just science we do not understand! Open to the possibility!

Freedom through the wave

How I relate to situations has been prominent in the last two days. Over these last few years, I have recognized my relation to these experiences was about not being enough or lack belief structures.  But since January, my last dance with this experience, wow, I have shifted! 

My recent experiences with dentistry have shown me my growth.  While I was in reaction and baffled really triggered by the lack of compassion and senselessness, I allowed the wave to come. I sent a venting email to a “friend” (thank you for that space friend), made more phone calls to obtain needed services, and just let go! My awareness with myself was I would not contract; I will expand, remaining present in the wave of experience.  Even when I react, I will not judge myself; I will just allow. When I move out of unconscious action even if it is reactionary anger, I will just be in my conscious state, not judging myself but focusing on my awareness with compassion. 

I could see what I was feeling and identified the last echoes of my escapades with control. I identified the conversation I had within my mind.  I know it is all an illusion of separateness, feelings of rejection, and abandonment, not-enough-ness. If I am enough, I wouldn’t be treated this way.  Wow, THAT echo from childhood STILL whispering! However, in nurturing, I remind myself; I am not my feelings!  I AM enough and am where I am meant to be—allowing this experience as a wave, riding it as it shows me more of myself.  I experience more of the love I have for myself and take it deeper within anchoring it for the next wave. 

Through compassion, I realize what I need in this now.  To hold space for not physically feeling well, and that is okay.  To take all the actions I can take in loving myself, and let go, allowing the next experience to unfold.  Remembering I will always be okay; everything will unfold as it is meant to be.  It is in presence and compassion that I can hold this space.  Realizing I AM spirit on this amazing adventure returning to experiencing my wholeness. 

Through this awareness, I continue my shift into freedom riding the wave of experience.

Shifts in reflection

One of my main focuses is to make changes in my state of being and watch as my reality shifts around me.  Yes, I have practiced and played with this simulation, it felt too much like a game over ten years ago, so my journey into discovery began.  One of my first focuses was on trauma, we have become a traumatized society, or we always were, and we are just becoming more aware of it.  There is no real healing of trauma in the sense we think of wounds.  What happens is through awareness the beliefs and perceptions formed due to the experiences can shift, thus creating new realities. These new realities are no longer stewed in the frequency of the behaviors (energy) created through the trauma experiences. 

I never recommend revisiting trauma beyond your deep awareness of it and finding forgiveness, but I do recommend bringing awareness to the beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors caused through these experiences.  Often, we have created many shadows through these experiences. Integration through awareness, pulling the subconscious into the conscious, is fundamental in change, and experiencing our wholeness. 

I am a; let’s look at this emotion, belief, perception from all sides, upside down, right-side up, through and through until we fully alchemize its energy and integrate it in a healthy way creating the experiences we desire explorer.  The reason is apparent; it is what I have already stated and proven to myself and the several who “play,” we are creating this reality from the inside out.  Our state of being on the inside is manifested as a reflection into our immediate sphere of reality.

I recalled many years ago; I thought I kept a clean house.  But as my awareness shifted and I integrated pieces and parts of me bringing my inner self into balance, I began to go through several clutter cleaning phases.  I did not even realize I was a packrat, I held onto and saved things just in case I would need them, creating several possible craft creation scenarios that would never come to pass.  As I cleaned my life and behaviors of clutter and the things that I held onto, my reality began to reflect that with less and less clutter.  As I learned to remain in the moment without fear, my home reflected that state of being by becoming cleaner and more comfortable. Even further, things like ants or other parasitical creatures began to dissipate and become nonexistent in my home environment as I shifted my relationships, creating sovereignty within.

Beyond my home, there were physical manifestations of the bacterial kind within and on my body.  I had reoccurring bladder infections manifest within my body along with constant breakouts, ALL who have been eliminated by alchemizing and integrating certain beliefs, perceptions, and behaviors in my life, creating a shifted state of being.  Through realization, I have shifted more into an experience of health and wholeness, eliminating the illusions of separation and recognizing the connection of the all reflected through me.    

I have continued to allow the layers of my experiences and perceptions to take me deeper and deeper, exposing the next shift into alignment.  As each layer presents itself and is integrated through compassion, my sphere of reality is shifted.  The more I love myself, the more the illusion disappears, and my sphere of environments and relationships adjusts to match.  My recent layer was around control, and the state of being I created based on these beliefs and perceptions.  And now, having moved beyond this expression and experience of self, I am returning to some real core human frequencies.  The frequency of sexuality has presented itself in my awareness of the expression of its truest form.  The sincerest energetic form before society’s interpretations, perceptions, and projections stifled its energy.  Here I am looking at my states of embarrassment, self-judgment, and other negative perceptions in the eye and releasing all shame, shifting their frequency with LOVE and COMPASSION. 

For me, the layer beneath control is sexual energy.  For too long, it has been turned off or distorted, and I have been disconnected or expressing through shame.  It is time for me to erase yet another illusion of separation and return further into my wholeness as I journey into the core frequencies of who I AM. As I continue to explore, to shift, and integrate, I return to my pure essence, always an expression of source. I create new realities as my reflection shifts yet again.  

We are diamonds

I had my first child at fifteen years old.  And after a couple of marriages and a couple more children, I had my last child at almost forty.  I am happy to report the last marriage stuck, we have been together for almost fifteen years and have several beautiful children together (not that this matters at all, you will see my point soon).  I view this as the many toads I had to kiss to find my prince; that is how I justified my choices and experiences until this last couple of years.  But really, the journey all along was about finding the person who allowed me to become the best version of me.  Hell, I had no idea who I even was when we met, and neither did he.  We discovered who we were together.  And by learning to love the person that each of us had realized as self, a natural result was the love of one another. 

Time and time again, I see the results of the reflection.  From the inside, my reality is created, and as a result, my sphere of reality is a reflection.  As conscious as I am, I remain unconscious.  I have biases; I do not know what those biases are, because they are unconscious.  But what I AM is open.  I am open to exploring the perspectives of others.  I am open to discovering what lies beneath my conscious states.  I seek to discover more of my unconscious, my goal, and what feels like a primal instinct is to break the gate of consciousness.  When we are truly open is when we can achieve the greatest expansion, and I LOVE and PREFER EXPANSION.  It is getting to know and experience more of MYSELF on MANY LEVELS of EXPRESSION.

I do not want to sit and discuss anything with someone who wants to “teach” or “school” me, I have had enough of that to last several lifetimes.  I desire to see individuals share their perspectives without judgment of one another.  Without assumptions, judgment, and comparison, I wish to explore one another.  TO COMMUNICATE, openly, honestly, and with integrity! An open inquiry and sharing about each of our experiences shared and received with compassion.  This experience is my desire. 

See, it is through the awareness and recognition that each of us is experiencing our own truth and reality that we really grow.  My friend says it’s like we are rough diamonds, rubbing and shining one another in relationships.  The experiences shine us into the diamonds that we are when we allow for it with openness.  We do not shine when we tell others how to live. 

Over the past few years, I have really seen shame used as a weapon.  A weapon used to influence us all.  This is learned behavior we have passed down generationally.  It begins with shaming our children for not measure up to our standards. It is used to alter behaviors towards those that are “acceptable.” For me, I have just finally begun to break free of shame.  Shame has manifested itself in my body over time.  I did not like the way shame felt, and so resisted it.  Finally, I had a conversation with my shame, and the most unanticipated response came back from shame.  My shame told me that it was here to protect me.  Imagine that, something I had resisted was only trying to protect me.  My shame continued to tell me that if she could allow me to feel shame, I would not take risks.  I would make choices that kept me “safe.”  Safe within the confines of what she had learned was acceptable.  The experiences where people said, “good job, you are doing great!”  Because if I pleased others, I was safe!

My shame partnered with anxiety, which to has been manifested into my body.  The two are codependent, each feeding off the other.  Anxiety had the same desire to keep me safe.  If I were perfect for what everyone expected from me, which was of my perception, I would be free of anxiety.  I also resisted anxiety, and the more I resisted, the more it persisted.  Suddenly, I saw how shame and anxiety were thriving to keep me from the disappointment and hurt I had experienced from my relationships and environments.  And with that one awareness, my unconscious becoming conscious EVERYTHING SHIFTED! Instead of resisting my shame and anxiety, I gave them compassion and love.  I thanked them for keeping me safe in their own ways.  With that love, they changed, shame and anxiety moved back into the wholeness of who I AM.  The separateness that shame and anxiety created dissipated, and I began to experience myself in a new way.

Guess how this awareness and openness to explore my shame happened?  It was from what I had labeled as a “bad relationship.”   In interactions with someone who I observed using people’s and eventually my wounds and shame to discredit.  I NEEDED that interaction to discover more of who I was! My interactions showed me how to heal! Hell, they introduced me to my SHAME and ANXIETY! So, thank you, you gave me such a gift! In our disfunction and wounds, we rub each other to shine.

Through alchemizing my shame and anxiety through love and compassion, I have begun to heal my physical body.  All the shame and anxiety to measure up to the perceived standards of the world outside had manifested thyroid and uterine issues.  Rather than surgery, I knew I had created these manifestations, and so I could uncreate them.  AND that is exactly what I have done and continue to do. 

I see and realize the link—the link between our beliefs and the manifestations in our bodies.  Our judgments and comparisons, our resistance rather than love, compassion, and acceptance are what is causing our unhealthy states of being.  When we open to possibility, exploring beyond the known, listening with an open mind to the perspectives and experiences of others, we have an opportunity to shine.  How else will we expand?  We are here to experience one another, finally realizing we are one and the source.  We are the ocean in the drop and the ocean.  Let’s make waves TOGETHER, otherwise, we are just standing stagnant water.  Let’s rub each other and shine; we ARE DIAMONDS!