My strongest trait is authenticity.  I share exactly what I am experiencing,  feeling, and thinking without filter or fear.  The world around me has condemned me for this; it makes individuals too uncomfortable.  There is an energy here that is perceived as a threat.  I have been told; there are things we just do not share with others; REALLY I reply!  Who created that rule?  Those who have something to hide.  Those who are still a prisoner of guilt, shame, and blame?  We ALL experience similar feelings and emotions, yet we pretend we do not.  The situations and circumstances change; as humans, we operate similarly, yet many hide their experience due to societal and cultural beliefs, which have been constructed for some control and manipulation.  And yet when we begin being authentic EVERYTHING changes.

I experienced in my own family, and the observation of others displaced emotions and lack of authenticity as this echoed out into society.  One of my daughters is extremely empathic, just as I am.  When she asks me what is wrong, and I tell her I am fine, she works to understand why I am lying.  I know longer tell her I am fine. I observe the conflict this causes, which teaches us not to trust our intuition. 

For me, growing up, I thought there was something wrong with me.  I internalized the wounds of others and grappled with my perceived difference in behavior versus what I felt and from the rest of society.  There is a social construct in place that keeps us disconnected from our authenticity.  It is often the perception that others are stronger than us or know more than us.  I continually placed these people on pedestals attempting to measure up.  These performance-based cycles of experience that keep us detached from who we truly are. I am reminded of the Sisyphus myth, the curse of the continued pushing of the rock up the hill only to have it roll back down right as I get it to that perceived top, and then back again I go, pushing and pushing, over an entire lifetime.  I never reach perceived fulfillment and never fully reach the perceived destination.  This myth of Sisyphus is what I think has defined our society and created a constant seeking.

I believed those who had it figured out would teach me something I was not getting, why my honesty and authenticity were so damaging to me. I thought I was doing something wrong. Perhaps they knew the answer, yet when observing those very people, I see them hiding from their authentic selves, probably for the same reasons I did—fear of rejection and abandonment.

Yet as I evolve and have learned to love myself and have compassion for every experience, thought, and belief, I understand the difference.  There is a fear of authenticity that I no longer have.  It is no longer a part of my makeup.  Perhaps it was a reaction to the survival and detachment I experienced from my authenticity at a younger age.  When I reattached to my authentic self, I let go of shame; the shame of not assimilating, the shame of not feeling like there was something wrong with me, and the shame of the reaction my authenticity incites in others.  And I no longer fear rejection or abandonment when I share my authenticity. 

I hide nothing.  I openly share my experiences so we may all grow and expand through open connection and exploration of what makes us human.  To pretend to be something we are not is a prison.  To fear if we share too much, we will be rejected is a prison.  I have a need to experience true freedom and can only achieve this in my authentic state.  Today, I stand firm in my authenticity, regardless of the perceptions of others.  I hide nothing and love myself fully while holding the space for others on their unique journey! Ask yourself why you cannot be honest with others about what you are thinking and feeling?  This questioning is the clue to your authenticity, and what keeps you from expressing it may have been created in fear. 

I am ever-changing and ever-evolving.  The promise I made was never to change who I am for the approval of another or society ever again.  I AM no longer focused on the approval of others, but am focused on the expansion, evolution, and growth of humanity from many perspectives.  This expression is my authenticity, a complete and total expression of who I Am, and continue to be without fear. 

The Goldilocks zone

Over the past few weeks, I have observed an over-exaggeration of duality within daily life across society.  Not only in my life but the lives of those I interact with.  This duality has been present throughout history.  Some would say that the earth realm is a realm of duality.  I believe it is social and individual programming through many social constructs creating the perception of truth.

I am no historian, but the narrative seems to go back to Judaism and early Christianity, the bible with its good versus evil, and men versus women narratives.  It may go back further; I have not researched this but will make it a point to do so in the future.  I am an adventurous explorer of information and look forward to what I will discover. 

My father recently told me a few stories he learned in Sunday school.  I am so much like him, getting kicked out for asking questions! I was shocked by the overt white supremacy displayed through these Sunday school teachings.  He was taught that of Cane and Abel, the mark that Cane was given because he killed his brother was to be black!  Further, my father questioned if there were only a mother, father, and two sons in the relationship stating they were the first humans, yet they went out and bred with others; who were the others?

My questions were of the magical and psychological type.  If angels are such high and perfect creations, where did the capacity to question and disobey god even come from?  This god, who is so almighty, yet he has jealousy, pride, and anger? Those seemed so human to me.  I could get over my jealousy and anger; surely, it was not a continuing trait of god. These ideas and questions fated my journey with those who would reject me because I was so curious.  I did not follow with blind faith; I followed my intuition, which almost always showed me there was more to what is being shared and displayed.  And the energy behind it ALL was fear!

When I observe where we are today, not much has changed.  I see the duality created in differing fears, black and white, good and evil, dark and light, high vibration and low vibration; these are all conveyed in a way that has energy describing one as safe and the other as a threat.  This duality is getting louder and louder.  Just as it was apparent in Christianity, I see it prevalent in the other new age spiritual communities where if you focus on shadow, you are considered low vibratory and rejected.  I see it in politics, I see it in the current black live matters and other racial equality movements, the same in feminists movements, anti-vax, and pro-vax and the current and loudest expression of the duality of our time, the pandemic. All these perspectives pit one view against another.  Again, they are all driven by fears, with the pandemic being the loudest because it is driven by the ultimate fear, the fear of death. 

Just like I have always done, I ask questions.  And it appears to me that we ALL ask the same questions.  But what most of us do not do, is research and find a balanced perspective that ends the duality game.  Someone tells us something, their view also programmed on some level, and simply accept it.  We give our power away, time and time again, in the trust that another will lead us to safety and away from this fearful experience. Some even fear the fear, or feed off of the fear, never taking the time for deep self-inquiry. We play in duality and do not even know we are doing it.   

I choose to hold space, love, and respect for all perspectives because I recently realized everything I thought I knew is all based on perception.  None of us really knows anything; we just continue to experience in a flow of synchronicity that some are aware of and others not so much.  Control?  We have none.  A choice just seems to arise through thought, which just seems to happen.  Yet, I am thankful that my early childhood programming did not create a yes man.  My natural tendency was to question everything and to explore all possibilities.  This awareness allows me to observe and consider all perspectives, ALWAYS asking questions and inquiring within.

Today I find myself exploring the balance between my higher dimensional perspectives and my lower dimensional perspectives.  I find myself recognizing where there is a dualistic viewpoint and having the desire to explore to understand where it was created and how to achieve balance.  Today, I recognize how loud the duality has become, it is in our face, and we can no longer deny the impact it has on our beliefs, ideas, and choices. 

My higher aspects view everything as one and in unconditional love, capable of seeing a bigger picture of the entire chessboard and many layers that interplay in the game. My lower aspects create the call for action in physicality and are moved through emotion.  And TODAY, in this perspective of NOW, I find balance.  I am discovering the experience that I prefer, the one that opens me further to what FEELS just right for me! The Goldilocks zone.

This perspective of NOW

I find myself at this vast space of observation, finding balance, and examination of the evolution of my human experience as a starting point in my perceived truth.  Perhaps that is why I chose the title “This Perspective of Now” last year.  I am open, I put effort into the exploration of not only the self but knowledge, and  I love navigating many perspectives.  I recognize where we all pull from past information and experience, not just our own but the historical context and social constructions that are a part of everyday society of which is sometimes with acceptance and sometimes also knowing something needs to change. 

Recently I recognized my escapist tendencies, where I prefer to reside in what I believe is a nondual conscious state. In reflection, I realize this is a move towards separation from my human experience as a tool to cope with a societal experience for which I find myself uncomfortable.  From this perspective, I am drawn to information that is narrative like in nature but beyond the physical human construct.  Sometimes I am everything, and sometimes nothing; sometimes, I am the self that is interacting with other aspects of self, all of which seem more knowledgeable than what I refer to as the small self.  In these states, I feel this overpowering warmth and love. This feeling is my preferred state.  Can one feel without the physical body? It is my perspective that we are one and whole, so no separation occurs; it is all a narrative in perception, which for me is ever-changing.

From my perspective, there seems to be an evolution that is occurring.  The issue is I cannot prove it, only share my experiences and the experiences of those I encounter.  Though the evolutionary path is unique for all of us, I have found some patterns that continue to occur.  One is a small group of people, of which I have remained in contact only a few times a year since 2014 have continued to evolve and experience synchronistic shifts into the same new perspective as me.  Even though we do not regularly share our experiences of what we are reading or the newfound perspectives, I will randomly reach out about a drastic change in perspective and find they are experiencing very similar experiences and interests, being pulled into new perspectives and paths.

There appears to be a field of which we are pulling from that allows us to explore information that is similar in nature.  We observed this many years ago, our group would have a discussion on a random unexplored topic and not share it, the very next day another group would share that the very same information without awareness that we had discussed it the day prior without contact or communication.  Carl Jung observed and recorded this in patients who would describe specific information of which there was no way from them to have access. In several instances, the information was not available to the current population of humanity and would come to light later, through things such as archeological digs.  In my experiences, my friends and I would record and not upload videos; the other group would record the next day, and when we both uploaded our videos from differing days the information explored would be very similar in content, yet there was no contact between groups.

I have been exploring what truth is or what is considered knowing.  Many years ago, I came across an individual who corrected me about her belief.  I used the word belief; she changed it to knowing, stating beliefs can change.  At the time, I agreed and would change my wording as well.  But over time, I have realized everything is perception, including objective truth.  We do not KNOW anything! It all is a mystery, and the perspectives and perceptions are ever-changing.  Sometimes in days, sometimes in years, and sometimes across millennia. 

When one says objective truth, I struggle with this notion.  From my perspective, there has not been one piece of information that has not shifted over time through exploration and an openness to new information.  Consider the example from the past that the sun revolved around the earth, which was believed to be an objective truth.  A current example is the application of space-time; these have been labeled as objective truths, but from my perspective are perceptions.  These knowing’s can and do change over time.  There is no objective truth; I believe, based on my perception, we only see small pieces or the first layers of a complex system, but alas, I DO NOT KNOW! What I am is open to the possibilities and the exploration of the mysteries.  Always ever-evolving and reshaping my perspectives and views in the flow. 

I invite you to open your mind, to explore many perspectives, by integrating new information, and to allow yourself to evolve freely without coercion. By removing the performance-based drive, the egos need to be right, and the egos fear of being wrong, we are truly open to new information.  We are simply opening to the possibility and mystery without self-judgment and the judgment of others on a comparative and performance basis.  I thrive in exploring, taking in new perspectives, and finding the balance within.  Riding the waves of synchronicity and flow into this perspective of NOW.

Note: If you hear yourself say, she is too this or too that, you have missed the point ENTIRELY.

Moving from transcendence into the human experience

I have spent the better part of the last fifteen years working to transcend my human experience.  A constant drive to recognize duality and to experience myself as whole.  Releasing all identities was a part of this journey, and it came easy for me to work through these experiencing myself as pure consciousness.  This state is my preferred state; it feels amazing and makes life so much easier.  But with it, I rejected all perspectives that were human. 

Earlier this year, I felt a call to return from the pure awareness/ consciousness state, which does not reside within my physical body.  There was a calling to find and attach to the authentic self within the physical body.  This space is anchored in 3D and is part of human identity.  And with open exploration those early months of this year, I found my way into this space of experience.

In these last couple of months, I have felt a shift from the passive, transcendent state into a more physical action-based energy.  I want to explore identities and experiences; I want to connect and to share and exploring many perspectives on all HUMAN EXPERIENCES, not just those that align with my own.  I feel as though I can not expand by only focusing on perspectives in alignment with my own. Lately, I no longer feel compelled to reside in these transcendent states but to be in the world, to have a HUMAN EXPERIENCE.  What I recognize is with complete honesty, I may have been using this transcendent state as a means of escape. To explore these other perspectives, not in alignment with my own, bring me the greatest growth.  I have a hunger to expand through experience, which is a true representation of my desire in the transcendent state and why I chose the human experience.

When I look back on my journey, I see the necessity for this experience. The exploration was an experience and seeking of that which I already am. I needed to discover my true state of being to open to the human experience, fully recognizing that the illusion is a tool for growth. This journey not only changed my perspective but my perception of reality.  My journey opened doors to experiencing conscious exploration beyond this 3D experience.  I viewed and experienced the dimensions and densities outside of 3D.  Many layers of my multidimensional selves were exposed, and I had a greater understanding of how this construct operates. 

Over the years, I have observed the spiritual superiority that can come with this experience.  It happens in many spiritual states of exploration, where the ego has a difficult time integrating the information. The inability to allow other perspectives and to minimize or even judge those who choose a dualistic experience is a part of this ego experience. I observed how the ego could take this information and create a reality where we shun those who do not align with our perspective.  Believing our way is the right way, and the only way to create the reality we believe everyone should experience.  The powerful energy that comes with the experience of transcendent state can sometimes blind us in the 3D physical as we project our ideas and experiences onto others in judgment.  While in these states of exploration, I observe and experience our oneness and unity.  But found it challenging to honor others who are living many realities and experiencing separation here on earth. The transcendent states for all are expressed as pure love and oneness, but the human experience is that of separation.  That is why we have chosen to enter this realm.

Armed with all this experience and change in perception, I find myself on a new path.  A path of the human experience, no longer escaping into the transcendent states.  The truth for me is, I exist in oneness in another dimension, that is my natural state, but I chose to have a human experience.  To operate here in this transcendent state is escaping the purpose.  One of my purposes through the integration of these elusive states is showing people there is another way through the exploration of perspectives, of which there are currently around 7.8 billion.

I can pull information from the conscious field.  And armed with this ability, I assist others in the exploration of identities, the human psyche, and the human experience.  Beyond this, I can see where we are making agreements and where beliefs are keeping us from experiencing ourselves as the sovereign beings that we are.  The importance of all our parts and pieces in the shadow and light are integral to the human experience.  I am gentle and loving of all beings, yet I stand up, and yes, sometimes must FIGHT for what I know is true, particularly in the areas of power over others.  This purpose is my part in the human dynamic and play. 

This new awareness is a change in perspective.  I will no longer ignore the human experience as I sit in my transcendent states of being.  I finally understood this within myself as I observed my children. They are each a very important piece of me and reflect my parts and pieces.  Yet each is whole and sovereign.  I do not minimize any of them, so why would I do that within myself and others.  I see my younger children ages eight and six, with new abilities to operate within all the dimensions seamlessly.  Yet they still fight and play in peace and turmoil.  They are pure representations of spirit having the human experience.  I will not bridle them and tell them not to experience.  I want them to experience all that the human dimension has to offer.  Yet, I have seen the judgment of others and myself for the same. 

Now armed with this perspective, I celebrate the identities of others.  I celebrate the experience of separation.  I celebrate what it means to be human and to have the human experience.  There is another way, 7.8 billion or so, just counting within this dimension to be exact.


Almost everything about our everyday lives is a social construct.  We are creating our realities within these agreed-upon frameworks.  However, we are moving into an age where we can see beyond the veils of illusion and recognize that these very systems are built on coercion.  This month has provided me with a more grounded view and experience as the journey is the destination on our path in evolution.  I feel compelled to take action in agreements and focus on manifesting something new.  This energy is ripe to set new intentions and take action towards a reality we desire. 

Here in the US, we are coming into an election.  The results of this election will affect the world, not just here in the states.  The whole of the world is connected, and the sooner we recognize our connections, the sooner we can make choices that are in freedom, providing fair rights for all.  I used to not participate in politics by not voting, believing I was providing energy for a system I no longer agreed with.  Afraid to focus on what I did not want, the government a broken system that has not evolved with the rest of society.  But I have been recognizing by simply ignoring something does not make changes.  I do not operate like that within myself, so I certainly can not do that in the collective system.  My awareness is always changing and shifting internally through active choices in change.  In doing so, I have changed my life tremendously, providing an excellent support system with individuals full of love.  We all work together to support one another to provide that extra assistance each of us sometimes needs. 

I have created the things I have always felt a need for in my personal sphere of reality.  My guidance has shown me it is time to take the same through action in the systems outside, creating through an agreement in action the very things I desire as a whole.  My awareness prompts me to set actionable intentions to create the world we are moving towards, the possibilities.  This move is a return to natural law.

Aboriginal tribes celebrated the earth.  When the white man came to these lands, these indigenous tribes did not understand how someone could say they own land.  From their perspective, we are a part of the land. That would be equivalent to someone saying they will now own your right arm.  When the white man confiscated these lands which belong to every one of us on earth, many new socially constructed norms begin to spread.  We became slaves, our rights taken away, and sovereignty assaulted in an attempt of hijacking.  I mention this because I also believe, as the aboriginal tribes, how absurd it is for us to pay to live on our planet.

The journey in receiving my BA in Psychology with a minor in Identities Studies has awarded me with the exploration of much knowledge while writing papers. This study, along with my personal practice and working with individuals over the years, has provided me an insight that repeats.  The prevailing theme I see amongst most issues continues to be socioeconomic.  Most of the population is in survival mode.  Most choices are based on keeping a roof over their head and food on the table.  The illusion that we even own anything is a part of the allure.  We pay taxes and must acquire permits to do ANYTHING with our land.  And if we do not pay those taxes, we are presented with the consequence of harm.  So it isn’t even us who own anything! It is difficult to stand up and make new empowered choices when the threat of more struggle is persistently in the background. 

I see this story over and over throughout the many social issues that plague our society.  They could all be remedied if we provided an equal playing ground.  And as it stands today, the game is rigged.  Whether it is growing up as a minority in America, the current COVID experience, even my own personal experiences, they are all related to poverty and survival. 

Even now, in my personal life, I am getting closer to needing to decide what to do next with my degree and graduate school.  My need to provide food and shelter pushes me to conform to the state laws and requirements falling within a system that diagnoses and prescribes.  All this based on a manual (DSM) that is written by those who have a vested interest in those drugs and diagnoses being sold and paid for.  I have to disagree with this system; again, it is rigged to keep us in survival.  However, I can NOT ignore it either.  So I take action and will continue forward onto graduate school, obtaining a degree that is not recognized by most states.  I will probably create a new field or modality.  It may or may not be a struggle, but I have been struggling financially my entire life.  It is always a task to keep food on our table and a stable roof over our heads.  But I will not conform out of survival and fear.

This month I am setting the intention and taking actions that will plant more seeds of change.  I believe food, shelter, and the opportunity for health is a right.  To pay taxes without the threat of harm, no longer in a coercive society, joining in together all of us on equal ground.  If we remove the basic survival necessities and provide them as a right, we all have an opportunity to thrive.  As it stands right now, a small socioeconomic minority of the populace has most of the assets.  They are living beyond need, but their actions create a perception of lack.  This planet is abundant, and there is enough for everyone to live comfortably.  This approach would reduce many of the negative consequences we see.

I can already hear the naysayers and those who stereotype with their bias.  I am reminded of when the schools shut down back in March.  I live in a racially and ethnically diverse community within a failing school district.  The superintendent did not want to release laptops to the students because “they will get pawned.” Out of pure necessity and against their beliefs with the expectation that most would not return, they did pass out those computers to all families.  And upon the closure of the school year in May, EVERY SINGLE LAPTOP was returned in the same condition as it was distributed a one hundred percent success.  These families almost did not have that choice due to the bias and stereotyping of those in charge.

The same holds true for where we are today.  The stereotype and bias is the excuse made that keeps those within poverty in survival mode.  I wrote a paper on the minority education experience, growing up as a minority in America. I discovered how the system is rigged at a much greater depth than I realized across all systems, particularly the education system.  Knowledge has the power to create the experience of freedom within sovereign beings.  Quality education should be equally available to all who seek it for free.  The current structures do not support sovereignty and freedom.  They create the illusion of freedom but not an experience of freedom on all levels.

So today, I release to the universe the intention and will continue in my actions to create a world where we ALL LIVE IN ABUNDANCE.  Focusing on thriving rather than merely surviving is my goal.  We all deserve to live freely on our own planet.  We are a part of her and she us.  This month I use this energy to manifest the change I believe in through planting the seeds necessary through my actions of bringing more awareness and expanding ideas of possibility. 

I have spent the better part of the last ten years playing in consciousness and spirit.  Seeking to become that which I already am.  This month has reminded me that I am here for the human experience, and it is us who create that collective experience internally and externally in action.  Together we can change the social constructs because together we created and built them. 

A call to ACTION

Reflecting on my journey, I recognize the most significant part of my experiences has been about facing my fears.  When I have made informed choices by taking a more in-depth look at myself regarding my beliefs, thoughts, and ideas, I have had the most positive experiences.  It takes a vast amount of courage to face the smaller self.  For me, coming to terms with my greatest fears of which were mostly the perceptions and responses of others.  And how my beliefs about myself were formed through my internalization of the perceptions of others.  The term hurt people, hurt people really applies here.  I observe in the larger parts of society, similar to myself,  play off one another’s internalized perceptions creating the micro and macro.

The state of the world is a reflection of these fears.  The message is getting louder so we can no longer avoid and ignore the issues and structures that are no longer in alignment with who we are as human beings.  With this awareness comes choice and action: the choice to look deeper within ourselves, evaluating our own beliefs thought processes and actions.  There is an opening to unfiltered awareness that must occur here—beginning with the larger pieces until it becomes finetuned in observation and choice within the more subtle parts of the psyche.

Last year I moved away from spiritual communities and belief structures.  However, over the year, I would see myself move back into some of them playing with differing beliefs and ideas.  The greater part of my journey was the return to the authentic self.  Most of my experiences continued to guide me into facing internal and external fears and perceptions resulting in a deeper sense of my authenticity. 

One of the things that have come to the surface yet again these past few days is the spiritual bypass.  I observed it last year and continue to see it today with a sudden feeling of urgency to release and move beyond this perspective.  Without judgment for others, I focus on where this shows itself in my belies and choices.  It was my experience recognizing and focusing on the state of the collective in its dysfunctional parts and pieces was very overwhelming.  So I made the conscious choice to only focus on what would enter my sphere of reality.  I was also careful to focus on these issues in a particular way.  But upon further review, what I see in that choice is fear.  I am in fear that if I do not focus in a particular way, I will manifest into my reality what I do not prefer.  This is a choice based in fear.  Perhaps this was a teaching that was meant to keep us complacent and not make change!

It takes radical awareness and acceptance to observe the self without judgment.  To do this opens the door to our observing our deeper feelings and perceptions.  To understand the small and self and the openness to change beliefs, ideas, and choices anew.  This results in new experiences, facing fears, and pulling back the layers taking us one step closer to our authenticity. It is expressed again in the micro and macro of the collective societies.

In my journey, I spent much time from the perspective of what is called the 5D realm.  I only focused on love, acceptance, and allowance.  This perspective is paradoxical of the 3D perspective, where choice and action must take place.  And I found it felt so good, actually my preferred state at the time, to remain in the 5D experiencing through my constant nature as spirit or pure consciousness.  I have the ability to remain in those states and live from this perspective.  I had no idea how to integrate these perspectives into the physical and would find myself bouncing back and forth.  That being said, I am here for the human experience.  I already know how to be spirit, that is my natural state!

In order to master energy and to obtain self-mastery in the 3D I must integrate my multidimensional nature into the physical.  I have had a sudden awakening that the idea of living in 5D is an escapist viewpoint based in fear. Rather than taking these concepts of love and caring into the 3D we are hoping to simply circumvent the fear and slavery system we have agreed to. This means taking ACTION and no longer bypassing the issues that come to the surface—simply ignoring them by making a choice not to focus on them is not manifesting the desired changes.  I am a sovereign being, as is everyone.  The beliefs, ideas, and actions of each of us dictate if we are experiencing ourselves as sovereign beings.  It takes looking deeper into the self without fear and taking actions that integrate the shadow self by changing our agreements. It is time to stand up!  

I find the state of much of the spiritual community to be divisive in that “friends and family” will simply stop communicating and supporting one another because they disagree here.  This continues to feed the polarity consciousness.  We have to ask why would we not have open and exploratory conversations amongst one another sharing perspectives.  Being bound by only one perspective is limiting the possibility of expansion.  Furthermore, expansion is personal; it may not appear the way one person believes it should appear.  If we are making this judgment, we must only look at our own belief system that dictates this necessity.

We are here as source experiencing itself—each of us a unique perspective.  We are also one collective and must take responsibility for our parts and pieces within the illusion of separation.  Just as we do within the self and all her parts and pieces erasing the illusion of separation within, we must do the same in collective. With that comes self-evaluation, choice, and action based on beliefs no longer held in slavery and fear.

The world stage is a reflection of our avoidance and inability to open our minds to the needs and perspectives of others.  The spiritual communities, particularly new-age communities, have the if it doesn’t affect me; it does not require my attention philosophy.  Guess what, ignoring something is an act of ignorance.  This day and age, information and knowledge are available to anyone who seeks it.  We have a responsibility to access this knowledge and turn it into wisdom by no longer bypassing it. NOT MAKING a CHOICE is still a CHOICE, and making a choice to ignore something results in an action that does not create the change we desire. 

The time for awareness and action based on courage and caring has always been here.  The drum begins to sound louder and louder until we face our fears and step into our true sovereign states of being by making new actionable choices.  We can not play kick the can any longer, it begins with us!

Spiral of time

Yesterday’s blog was about a cycle I observe is repeating in my life.  I want to go further into this cycle and what it represents in my life.  I have come to observe and experience a flow in my life that is so synchronistic and perfect, each moment taking exactly where I need to be.  It is only through awareness that I recognize it, and it is only through fearless action that I traverse the path. 

I view time and the cycles I experience within as a spiral.  The situations will sometimes repeat but from a higher perspective on this spiral. The events are always connected and symbolic of one another, ensuring I do not miss the message.  Again, I have only achieved this viewpoint through years of conscious awareness, which have allowed me to open my mind to perspectives not previously present.

In 2011 the choices present appeared to be guiding me towards empowerment. On the spiral, this manifested with me voluntarily entering a medication-assisted outpatient treatment center for what society has labeled as an unacceptable addiction.  I say unacceptable addiction because many of those within society have addictions as a means of escape.  However, only a few are deemed unacceptable because of the consequences that society has created for them.  The belief structure here is very inverted, and what has deemed acceptable and safe addictions are typically unhealthier and kill more people than those illegal and labeled as unsafe.  Furthermore, there is a huge piece of the puzzle most seem to be missing, and this is where I focus.

The larger populace views the surface and the symptoms as the objective truth that needs to be addressed in almost every structure within society.  They fail to look into the depth of things, inquiring what the causal factor is?  Addiction is not the cause; addiction provides relief from something else, the deeper issue. This practice goes beyond addiction; I see it across the board in most structures. There is a treatment of symptoms and rarely a question of how this was created. 

There is a “power over others” framework in which these structures exist.  If these structures were to work to solve the causes of any problem, it would create equals amongst society, and in my most conspiracy truther voice, I say, there ARE those who do not want this.  There is a system in place that ensures the sick remain sick, and the poor remain poor.  These systems were not created to get to the root cause.  And this was my experience with medication-assisted treatment. 

I jumped through the hoops so I would not have a need to travel there daily for this “medicine;” in an effort for complete transparency, it was Methadone. I voluntarily entered this program; it was my first treatment program; I had never sought help prior. I was chemically dependant on the opioids and had made several attempts to wean myself off, but could not handle the withdrawal symptoms. Suboxone was not covered by insurance at the time and was a new drug of which was out of my reach. I have never been arrested or ever been in trouble with the law and was disease-free. I take that back, a parking ticket in 1997. I did not fit the stereotypes. And over time, I was to observe many more who would enter those doors, which also did not fit the stereotype but would become a worse off due to their interactions within those walls.

 I accumulated what is termed take homes as quickly as possible. Through my experience within this facility, I realized the sick were treating the sick.  The level of dysfunction within these frameworks is unbelievable.  Often counselors have caseloads that are too overwhelming, working long hours with little pay.  They call it compassion fatigue, but what it really represents the inability for self-care.  The psychosis within the staff was completely unacceptable.  Compassion fatigue is the state of most of the counselors within this structure.  The very trauma that addiction was providing relief from was perpetrated onto individuals time and time again.  The counselors do not actually counsel and work to address the underlying issues but are providing case management services of which will not and cannot be maintained due to the actual underlying issues of clients.  Again, keeping people sick!

Luckily, I had a counselor who opened her mind.  I did not follow the program.  I went to meetings and barred through the requirements of which only resulted in more disfunction until it was I who brought the possibility of healing to her.  I worked tirelessly over those years that I remained, exploring different modalities and perspectives.  Like a buffet of healing, I jumped in and tasted everything.  My conversations with her were eventually moving beyond the pain of my experiences into the understanding of this realm of creation and the possibilities.  We explored reality and opened our minds together.  I challenged her beliefs; at first, she rejected it, projecting her insecurities onto me, but then she allowed it. And through that exploration, she healed just as I did.

Only one thing left to do to get off this DRUG!  And it would take me an additional four years to do that.  Yes, the cure is worse than the drug I had taken the four years prior that brought me to this place.  I was in this program for eight years! I was ALWAYS in compliance and had clean monthly drug screens every month of the eight years I was there from the beginning.  However, every time I entered this building, I was treated like it was my first time, with disgust and discrimination.  Only my counselor treated me with dignity and respect.  And when she left, I followed her.  Yet it would take me another whole year to wean my body off this medication. And there were MANY side effects of which NO ONE would discuss.  The avoidance was a spectacular show of ignorance, meaning ignoring truth!

I can happily report I no longer take this medication and was able to successfully wean MYSELF off. This experience taught me so much about self-trust and empowerment.  Even when the system is stacked against you, we can prevail if this is what we desire. I recognize I was put into these situations that created experiences allowing for healing and growth.  BUT only because I was hungry for it!

When my basement flooded the first time, I was in my first year at this program.  It flooded the entire basement with sewage.  We had to call a company to come out to clean up, repair, and replace everything, all claimed on our insurance.  We promptly got kicked off of that insurance once the claim was complete.  This time the basement flooded with sewage; it only covered a small section.  My husband was able to fix it, and we did the cleanup. Of course, we will have a company come out and fix the pipe AGAIN, and probably have some flooring replaced.  But WE did it! We cleaned up the sewage.  This feels so very connected to me going to a treatment facility those years ago and giving my power away. The sewage came up to be purged, and albeit a lot less has come to the surface this time, another purge has begun.  Within this cycle, I am empowered and free, creating new experiences and perspectives on the spiral of time.

I recognize that through my experience with addiction, I discovered myself and my power. This is what I mean by the path taking me exactly where I need to be and go.  I am still learning to celebrate all experience in this game. What I resist persists, and for me, this game is about transcending these states of illusion. As that cycle of empowerment closed, a new cycle of empowerment has begun! Just like those eight years, this next spiral of change will require ACTION!  And I rise to the challenge! I love the spiral of time.  What a RIDE!


Something interesting has come into my awareness.  While over the years, I have recognized the smaller cycles within the year. These last two weeks, I recognized a larger cycle has ended, and a new began.  The smaller cycles happen year after year.  The cycles appear seasonally.  For instance, I seem to gravitate towards certain information and beliefs during the summer months leading into the winter.  I will typically pull away from certain teachings and practices in midsummer, leading into fall with a feeling of retreat.  In the fall, I will go within and work on myself from a new perspective.  This new perspective carries on to late January, where I will finalize whatever new idea or concept that needs to occur within myself. Early spring, I take that concept to experience practicing and use the remainder of spring till summer to live this fully in knowing. Then the cycle repeats. 

Again, it goes from a deep grounding created by experience in the summer. Then leads to an understanding and change in perspective, which results in a new choice in action creating new experiences or new perspectives of repeating smaller cycles. I have been seeing this clearly for the last five or so years. 

While I am aware these cycles exist, one only needs to look at history, through archeology or geology, I perceive them differently more recently.  I can feel the “game” of the cycles. They appear as levels of perspective and experience that change in a cyclical pattern. 

In the last two weeks, I have been experiencing the beginning of a cycle that began late 2011 early 2012. There have been so many changes in my life since 2012.  In 2012 it started with a flood in my basement, which just happened again two weeks ago.  At the same time, I changed some of my larger habits voluntarily and proactively, not as a result of a reaction. And in 2012, I did the very same thing.  The sewage came up to be purged in 2012, and in 2020 the same thing has occurred. In my sphere of reality, as a reflection of my internal being, I am experiencing a release,  and with it, the birth of a new experience.

Last year, I felt this extreme need to pull away from spiritual communities.  There is such deep judgment, avoidance, and what I seemed to recognize most, the projection within these communities. I am not saying it is wrong; it is what is right for them at the time.  However, what you observe in another is a reflection of yourself.  My frustration with the dark and light polarity, the dualistic nature we are choosing to endorse paired with the inability to have an open discussion with communication without assumption, gave me haste.  Perhaps at the time, I could not communicate clearly, and with the information I needed. These feelings prompted me to start back to school to finish my BA in Psychology.  And in the cycle have exposed themselves again.

Deciding to end working with individuals unless called to do so, I shut down my website and ended my social media presence last year. I felt pulled in a differing direction.  The new direction was one that has been frowned on and is not acceptable within the many spiritual circles.  However, in wholeness, it is an important area. The shadow is just as important as the light. I do not view the shadow in judgment; I love the shadow.  The shadow is as much a part of the source as the light. I have been feeling compelled to explore it and move into neutrality loving all its parts and pieces. Some within the spiritual communities typically do not want to discuss certain topics, making statements about focus. Again, that is fine for them; perhaps they are not ready, or it isn’t a part of their chosen path to experience.  But, for ME, and perception and experience of wholeness, I must explore without judgment, with compassion, and without fear, my wholeness recognizing we are one.  Because if you see the fractal patterns of the universe, what is expressed in another is expressed in you also. 

The cycle of exposing me to the light in pure awareness really began in 2012.  I moved into complete unconditional love and acceptance, but only through the guise of what was deemed acceptable to those in the judgment of the dark.  I have been thrust into a deeper understanding of something new that I may not have been able to explore had I not understood my truest essence.  Perhaps I will explore and experience without getting lost this time.  Even then, I know I always find my way back as the path redirects. Like my friend says, “We can NOT FUCK it up!” It is about the journey in experience, remembering who you are.

Next year I will graduate and have been questioning what I will do next.  My Masters or Ph.D., and what area do I wish to focus on?  I am feeling pulled toward a Ph.D. in depth psychology but have no idea how I would apply this degree. The cycles showed me why the small self would choose to return to school and showed me why the larger self, brought me to this place.  I know my journey is about blazing a new path; it always has been.  I come to show people there is another way. 

Perhaps in another blog, I will have the courage to share some of my experiences in this area.  I still fear judgment and rejection in a small way but am releasing the last fragments of this belief.  Maybe the next path or what I will do has not been created yet.  I may be creating another modality.  This new creation has appeared to me over the years since 2012.  It certainly is NOT mainstream psychology or evidence-based practice! I have finally released the feeling I had to conform to these ideas.

The need and desire to focus on wholeness continues to arise.  Over this last year, I have observed the illusion of this separation within perception.  Slowly an integration has occurred that has allowed me to experience and perceive more of our wholeness.  It feels as though to do this, I must revisit some old ideas but from the perspective of the shadow.  From 2012 until early 2020, I have explored and only focused on the light.  But just as I loved and hugged my demon in 2012 and it turned into me and the energy of source, I will love and do the same with what is presented to me in other shadow expressions.

I see a deep need to integrate the shadows through love and compassion bubbling within me.  Again, my programmed state wants to push this away in embarrassment or fear of judgment and rejection by others.  But my larger aspect says even if it is solitary, the return to the experience of wholeness cannot be completed unless I love all the parts and pieces, and that includes the dark aspects as well.  In the end, the dark is as much a part of the source and the whole as the light it is.  It was the bastardization and judgment of the dark aspects that turned it into something it is not, always only our perception, just like my demon. 

We took the dark feelings and expressions and created something else through labels and teachings.  In this belief, we created more separation.  I continue to feel this call towards integration, releasing the perceptions of separation and embracing our wholeness.  That includes all our parts and pieces perceived in love.  And so, I begin my cycle into the dark, now armed with the LOVE that I AM! 

The journey part 4 Integration

Since I was young, I have always seen what has been labeled beyond the veil of reality.  However, growing up, those who surrounded me did not understand it, and I was taught to fear it.  I believed I was being punished for some unknown act I had committed, some unconscious belief that made me punishable, this religious teaching that I was a sinner.  Though my mother and father, were not religious during my early upbringing, I was exposed to many who would use their organized religion as a tool for abuse.  My parents would eventually become born again Christians, and with that, a much deeper fracture through their choices and our relationship would occur.

My constant response was one of observation and a deep knowing; we are all Jesus, I would reply.  And further, I would say, you can no longer fear me into compliance.  The adults in reaction believed this to be rebellion, for me an innate knowing and remembering, and in these two areas, I NEVER WAIVERED.  Of all of the teachings, ideas, and beliefs pushed onto me, this knowing has remained.

It was in the nineties that I came across Sylvia Brown and her teachings.  She offered a series of spiralbound books based on the beliefs gleaned from her adventures on the other side.  I would venture to Akron, Ohio, several times to see her in a packed convention center and was disappointed by the “show” of it all. Her teachings felt as close as I could get to my core knowing at the time; this is where I was introduced to meditation. 

In early adulthood, I was attracted to New Age materials, which was a section less than an arm’s length at the local bookstore.  I would go on to hold psychic parties at my home or my mother’s home and go to the local psychic fairs.  Back then, this was only five vendors pulling together to share their gifts and make some cash.  My connection to what I referred to as the other side continued to call me, I quite literally had a different way of being.  Even when it was not popular, and my family rejected me, I knew there was something here that was an important piece, and it continued to tap me to join in without fear.

Like breadcrumbs, I can look back on my life and see the trail left for me.  Leading me to 2007 when it was time to let go of the old, be broken down, and to begin what I call the return.  It was during this time that I became awakened to my behaviors, and I slowly began to make choices that would change my frequency just enough to create new experiences. However, I did not know it at the time.  My perspective then was one of pain and suffering, but even in those moments, I managed to spread the pure love and light I have always emitted through my natural state of authenticity since birth into this plane.

In 2011, I would have the major shift; I was at the local hardware store buying a light fixture.  The cashier said to me, my son says all those noises being heard around the world is mother earth crying out in pain.  Mind you; I had not opened the conversation to such things, I really hadn’t said anything.  It was like this was my trigger phrase, like a movie when someone is programmed as a sleeper and a word is said that sets them on their mission.  I replied this was the first I heard of any noises around the earth.  I went straight home and looked it up, sure enough, strange booms and scraping sounds were being recorded around the world.  The flood gates had just been opened.  I would spend the next nine years seeking information and experiences like it was my job. 

I began following the work of Gregg Braden and Drunvalo Melchizedek at this time. The new age communities were all focused on the following year’s winter solstice 2012 and the Mayan calendar event.  There was a great change during these years, leading into 2014, the matrix or simulation was revealed to me.  My experience of time changed, my reality shifted, and this is when the real FUN began!

I read every book, watched every video, and tasted every modality available during those early years post 2012.  I took class after class, workshop after workshop, seeking something I felt driven to obtain.  I would spend hours meditating, believing I was doing it wrong, because my meditations would take me on these journeys beyond time and space. After years and years of seeking, I made a huge discovery. Finally, realizing the true hero’s journey, everything was in me ALL ALONG!

I had a few major transcendent experiences that showed me the layers of the matrix. At first, I would use modalities to have these experiences as a means of escape, but that would change over time.  I observed the paradox in perspectives within each sphere of reality. I traversed journeys where time and time again, my guides would point out not allowing me to become identified with a particular label due to my explorations. Suddenly I discovered these experiences were the bigger pieces of me, not through identity but my conscious nature.  I AM CONSCIOUSNESS, expressing and experiencing.  My guides, the interdimensional beings, were all larger pieces of me expressed through the fractal nature of this reality.

I would go on to discover more and more of my true multidimensional nature and began the journey of integrating that into my physical sphere of reality.  No longer the spiritual emergency I had originally believed it to be, I opened to the exploration through expression and experience and began letting go of judgment.  With compassion and love for myself, I realized, stepped into being, and formally agreed through allowance to my true state as a CREATOR. 

Working through self-mastery, I realize how this reality operates and am learning to master the energy of which I am. Entirely responsible for my sphere of creation, I create as a reflection of my state of being.  Through integration, I change my perspective and experience—all from within. 


The journey part 3 healing

Two realizations propelled me into healing and shifting my reality. Once I was awakened, and I realized I was not the body but that I had a relationship with the body as the expression I experienced through, like driving and caring for a car that I built and maintained.  And the awareness that I was not the story, but the author of the story I was experiencing. These two were game-changers.

I would spend the next thirteen years healing through layers and shifting my reality with compassion for the self, beginning with finding the gift.  When I realized that I was the author of the story, I had a revelation. I began to see all that I had created and experienced was for my growth and expansion.  However, the real work was diligently recognizing the behaviors, the ideas, and the beliefs that the experiences had created.  These had created neurology within my biology that would need to be rewired, creating new pathways of biology to experience through. 

I think of this as the template, code, or frequency in place that allows for the creation of the next experience.  The core template or frequency in place had become the lens with which I viewed the world; it had created a complex PTSD dynamic.  Even when I let go and focused on healing the past through forgiveness of others and, most importantly, myself.  My body and neurology continued to be in a hyper-aware and defensive state.  Every experience, both physical and emotional, was perceived as an attack.  And because I was so self-aware, I further experienced what became a frequency of shame because I could not get my mind or body to change following my aware state of being. This perception is quite literally the programmed template that had been allowed to play for more than thirty years—the program of not-enough-ness. The core frequency I came into this matrix to integrate and expand beyond. 

The traumas I experienced, the relationships I traversed through the spiritual communities, and my mind where all in the frequency of performance and measuring up, the great comparison and contrast game.  These ideas are built on core programs of dark being bad and light being good.  And as humans, it is a social and sometimes cultural sin to love the dark.  But loving the dark would be my savior and open the door to understanding the illusion.

I will never forget one of the first meditations with a dark aspect. I lived with it since childhood, this being that would show up and terrorize me.  I finally faced this demon, and yes, it looked like what the church had taught me was a demon, but instead of fear, I hugged it.  I loved it, and it transformed into me and became love.  That was my first hint.  Yet it took another thirteen years to realize the program of dark versus light and the illusion of duality.

Loving and embracing my darkness even in the constant face of the rejection of others was exactly what I needed to do to heal and change my frequency to one that would author a story I preferred and enjoyed.  And like Russian dolls, I observed the same energies of my particular beliefs being expressed through different situations allowing me to see the choice.  The choice was empowerment.  No one makes us feel anything, and we are not victims. For me, the most important rewiring of the template would be about the reactions and perceptions of others.  Those that would tell me I was doing everything wrong, or I was bad or should be ashamed.  The disapproval of those I felt knew more than I.  Their perceptions were so important to me.  And I took those perceptions pulling them into myself somehow manipulating who I thought myself to be through them.

I internalized all reactions and perceptions of others.  Through accommodating others, either making them happy or fitting into their approval, I had found safety.  Though it was a survival mechanism, I suddenly awakened to this behavior.  I had known this a personality trait, which I labeled the chameleon.  In my awareness of what was happening to create the chameleon, I rejected it.  I wanted to expel it; it was not allowing me to be who I am.  A sudden awareness that I had detached from my authentic self was now apparent through this behavior. In this realization, I began resisting this behavior and pulled all of the energy back into myself with the sole purpose of finding my authentic core frequency.  I sought to return to the frequency that I entered this matrix with, the one that I had observed only slight fragments of in the 3D but had experienced much more of within multidimensional states of being through meditation.  In doing this, I discovered that the chameleon was my superpower and an essential part of me; it was the judgment that created this resistance, and once again, perspective was key. 

It was only through changing my perspective and awareness through the multidimensional state that I began to see the importance of loving all my parts and pieces.  I had to love my chameleon nature, no longer resist it.  And the more I loved my self without judgment, the more I found my core frequency and reattached to the authentic self.  I learned how to love all my experiences, even those society and culture had trained me to judge as “bad,” my depression, my anxiety, my senses of not-enough-ness.  Now having self-love and compassion for these energies and behaviors, they changed and became integrated dissolving a layer of illusion and creating what I experienced as healing.

It did not happen overnight.  I did not say I am done healing now, and I am not sure if that will ever happen.  Maybe the word healing should change to integration. This is a constantly evolving change in perspective and experience.  But the one thing I can say is the judgment of it; the duality of the good versus the bad is the deepest of all illusions.  We are experiencing fragmentation, but we are NOT fragmented.  The game within this matrix is to recognize this truth and embrace the illusion of our parts and pieces with love and compassion, allowing the veils of separation to dissipate through choice and action in love.

Armed with this knowledge and heartfelt intuition, I evolve.

To be continued…