Measuring up

It has been quite some time since I have written a “Perspective of Now” blog.  Naturally, my perspective has changed.  Each step and choice made shifts my perspective.  The one thing that has grown exponentially is the realization of my worth.  The last year taught me to attach and live in the full energy of who I am and practice it every now.

The current social experiment has created an environment that teaches me something new daily.  Homeschooling my two young daughters, one who is on the autism spectrum, having what is consider learning issues, and the other I am discovering has similar learning issues, has been the greatest gift.  I learn about myself through them.  Their actions, their perspective opens the door for me to question the status quo.  I see the standardized model simply does not work for them; they will not measure up to what the world says is normal. And I have learned to celebrate them in their perfection!

A few months ago, I was watching a movie with my husband when my six-year came to my bedside, requesting that she be in a dance competition on a stage when she turns sixteen.  This request was so unusual, especially from her.  Several years ago, I think she was four; we went to an overnight stay at an indoor waterpark.  That night, a pajama dance party, where my daughter was going at it, was oblivious to the world around her, totally enjoying herself.  Suddenly she looked up and saw all of the parents watching the children have fun, and she completely broke down.  One of her behaviors is to react with complete embarrassment when people watch her.  I am not sure where she learned this; she never had an incident that would have taught her this shame and embarrassment. I can say it is something I suffer from and have fought to overcome, but I thought I had taught her differently. So naturally, her sudden request to dance in front of thousands was not typical. 

My eight-year-old heard my daughter’s competition request.  An extreme reaction overcame her, accompanied by tears and anxiety.  She begged me not to let her little sister compete, you know, in ten years. But for her, it was something so dire as if it was occurring tomorrow.  What came next was shocking, and it taught me so much.  My older daughter told her younger sister that she does not want her to compete, that the experience was awful.  She said, “they look at and treat you differently if you do not win.” My poor daughter has had so many traumatizing experiences at the hands of the public school systems and sometimes even her grandmother because she is “different.” Ultimately that is why I began to homeschool several years ago.  These experiences started in preschool and carried on to first grade. I removed her after being publicly embarrassed in front of a whole auditorium of adults by a teacher who made a mistake. Instead of recognizing her needs, she was sent off to a corner to deal with her anxiety with no direction.  She was taught there was something wrong with her by these people outside of my home. She sees the world differently, and I, for one, learn so much from her perspectives. My children are my greatest teachers.

I am learning about my worth through my children.  They are little reflections of me, showing me so much about myself and my beliefs. Through them, I began to recognize a culture that focuses on measuring up.  In every area of life, within the spiritual communities, within academia, and relationships, we are pushed to measure up.  This practice and ideology are in every aspect of our lives. If we do not, we are looked at differently, just like my daughter stated. The toxic shame perpetuated through this system results in a loss of self-worth. My daughter taught me to no longer let others’ beliefs and ideals negatively impact me.  Through realizing my worth, it no longer matters to me if you are my friend or if you approve.  I am done measuring up to anyone’s ideas of how I “should” or my children “should” look, act, and behave. I lead with love, acceptance, and compassion in my every now moment.  I know who I AM, and I have value. Let’s learn to celebrate the unique perspectives each of us carries.  If we are to measure up, let us measure up to that!


The communication from my higher aspects has been working overtime. OR she is always communicating; I am working overtime in hearing.  OR There is no actual work I am returning to zero point, and everything is NOW, perfectly balanced and flowing!

These feelings began this last weekend when I began to observe pieces of the puzzle coming together.  I felt very tired, almost depressed, but I was not depressing any emotions.  My chest began to hurt, as it does on occasion.  The communication from my aspects was about everything being connected, and the necessary concentration inward on balance, love, and embrace of the self with complete acceptance.  A few hours later, I would find out my father was ill and had been taken to the hospital.

My chest began to hurt even more, and my dreams were of my father and me on a ship.  The seas were getting very rough.  The other people on the boat did not seem to know what to do; everyone was running about as the waves came over the side, filling the boat with water.  My father and I knew to go to the center of the boat. We were calm and never got wet one time. Until we got to the center, there was a small set of stairs, maybe five. We opened a door, a small rush of water came out, and ran down the stairs, and we entered this safe space. There was a vessel there that would allow us to stay balanced and detached from the storm. “MESSAGE!”

The next day I discovered my father had a heart attack and would need surgery because the right side of his heart was blocked 100%.  There is something very interesting with my father; first, he is my biological father, whom I did not have much contact with throughout my life.  Our relationship was on again off again until this last year.  Even though I was adopted and did not grow up with him around me, we have some of the same likes, dislikes, and behaviors.  Sometimes it feels like we are extensions of each other.  I am just the younger version. 

It took my dad several life-threatening incidences to awaken.  He thought I was crazy since 2011 when I really began living a different awakened and aware lifestyle.  Until the last year two years, he had a life-threatening situation, and he was awakened. He finally got what I had been talking about and started shifting, healing his wounds, and looking at life through an entirely new lens. He broke out of the programs, and it changed everything, including my relationship with him. 

I felt as though my father was not going to make it through the surgery.  My higher aspects said it was something else, puzzle pieces coming together that would allow me to see something.  He was in surgery for hours and did pull through.  Something else happened; the blockage in his heart was connected to a blockage in my heart.  The blockage that kept me from seeing and loving myself fully was connected to him. We created these dynamics together for the sake of our own growth.  And a massive block would be opened to have balance and flow within.  

My guidance continued to play the David Bowie and Queen song Pressure.  My aspects communicated that time is being compressed. WE are feeling the PRESSURE. Many of us are experiencing what may appear to be difficult, judged to be negative, or even traumatic experiences to shift our state of being.  Some of us do not make through the shifts, there is an option for an exit point, and some choose to leave the game. Some of us are learning to experience this energy in a different way, recognizing the intent. My father is a piece of me, and his healing heals generations, including me.  As I heal, I do the same. 

The compression of time is creating an environment that appears as if everything is crazy and full of negative drama.  YET when we are awakened, aware, with eyes to see, we know it is something else entirely.  It is the experience needed for some to open their eyes and the choice to express and experience in new ways.  The universe gets louder and louder until we hear it. For me, it was time to heal and shift the energy of old wounds that, even though I consciously said I shifted, still lived within my unconscious and where felt and expressed from time to time. They clearly were causing a blockage.

Everything we are experiencing is reminding us to return to the heart center, the be balanced, and to express compassion.  The situations being expressed within the world may or may not affect you.  If they do, there is always a communication; the experience is allowing for choice.  How will you respond?  Will you enter the ship and move to the center, find a place of balance, love, and allow, trusting the flow to take you where it will?

This year, my experiences have been about returning to the core of myself and attaching to this energy. It was about trusting and having compassion for every piece and part of myself.  Standing firm and balanced in the energy of who I AM.  Letting go and trusting, I will ALWAYS have everything I need. I am taking actions that lead me closer to my excitement. AND when emotions come up, allow them to flow; they are my great communicators.  Let go of the judgment and need to measure up to anything but the love of who you are. 

Though my father did not die, I feel that like the blockage in his heart, was an energy that opened up and was shifted so it might flow in the direction of love. He and I are both recovering.  We are recovering the experience of our wholeness in balance and love, in the flow.

My guides continue to say, just as they did back in March the fall and winter is going to be quite the ride! AND time is continued to be compressed, so what would take us years to create is happening within months.

~ Ladies and gentlemen please make sure your seat belt is tightly fastened and please you keep your arms and legs in the ride at all times (enter the heart and remain balanced in compassion). HERE WE GO!

Change the narrative

The last week I have felt this feeling, like drops of water returning to the center drop, creating a mass of water as one. Again I see the fractals representative as they return to the singularity. The picture of Indra’s web resonates so deeply.  The feeling I have is beyond knowing; it is that everything is connected, and like a dream or memory just out of reach, I can see it or remember but cannot make out the details.  I feel as though I am on the precipice of something that will change EVERYTHING! In each interaction with individuals outside of my immediate sphere of reality, more of the connections are exposed.  I feel as though I am finally awakening to experiencing my wholeness.  I can say I am whole; I can say I am love, I can say and relate to many concepts, but the actual experience is happening through a web of connection and integration.

My pieces and parts are exposing themselves to be treated with compassion, to be integrated no longer through resistance but in compassion and love.  A dear friend reminded me yesterday, change the narrative.  Many of my shortcomings are viewed in a particular way because I have been taught or programmed to perceive them this way. First, “shortcomings?” against whose standards? And I took them on as my own. We have been taught we should not feel or behave in a particular way.  Who decided what any of that is “supposed” to look like?  There are NO EXPERTS! We are all a spectrum of experience.

Yesterday I had two things happen. One I had someone whom I had put above myself tell me that I should take no actions right now, except, of course, to join his weekend workshop for a certain price!  And I met with a lovely group where my goal is to create a safe space to share and explore perspectives.  Immediately my not-enoughness came up to show itself.  After the meeting, I felt I had spoken too much and did not allow space for more sharing and insight from others.  I was so excited to connect and share; it had been quite a while since I connected like that, but immediately I turned a beautiful meeting into my insecurity.  With this, I stepped back and recognized the perception of others again does not equal my value. How do I even know how they perceived me?  This is the created story within my mind! MY narrative! I embraced this piece and observed the connections.

Here are just a few narratives this year has taught me. Believing someone holds some experiential answer, the magic key, that they have some power or insight I can only attain through them, BULLSHIT! The belief they are more important than me or hold some sort of power I do not have access to, BULLSHIT! Or the belief that I will obtain happiness when I reach some unknown state has come forward to be dealt with yet again, I am amazing, supported, and loved as I am, and THIS brings me happiness! I am done with the old narratives of not-enoughness or measuring up; I am learning to embrace my value as I AM. You are only valuable if…  THAT is a program! My way of exploring and experiencing reality may not be like yours but is uniquely and perfectly mine.  For me, I learn the most in our interactions; we learn so much about ourselves if we are open to exploring here.

This morning I had these moments of feeling unimportant.  Often, I will bring in ideas or concepts and shortly explore those with others.  Typically, there is not much interest, or it is rejected. Within the same conversation, days, weeks, months, sometimes years later, someone presents the same ideas, often the very same words, and it is widely accepted and celebrated. Yet again, this experience brought up something I was unable to put my finger on the last few years connected to not-enoughness.  I suddenly saw how I feel unimportant and where this belief is created.  The connection showed itself. When my father abandoned me, and I was adopted, when he gave so much to others and gave me the leftover broken pieces, I learned I was not important.  Or when my mother used me as a commodity, when I didn’t please her, she shoved me aside like yesterday’s trash. When she forcefully relayed her disappointment in me, actively attempting to hurt me. And the care I did receive all through a veil of shame. I learned I was not important unless I could provide something of value.  Because just to be me was never enough, as a matter a fact, I should be ashamed of who I am, and I have no value.

Look, this isn’t about blame! I do not blame my parents; they are only doing the best they can with the information available to them. They are repeating the fucked-up programs and patterns of their parents and experiences.  But FOR ME! I MUST understand this and change the narrative! I am returning to an experience I know is my truest essence in loving myself; anything else is the illusion.

I have a dear friend who grieves the loss of her daughter.  Somehow somewhere, she learned it is not okay to grieve.  That grief is bad.  She learned not to show her grief, to distract herself; she was told you do not want to be “that counselor” who lost a child. She learned to express grief was to have something wrong with her. It is time to change the narrative! Her grief is an important part of who she is.  Her grief is beautiful because it represents the love of her child.  Her grief is her superpower! The narratives and experiences shape us, but what if we viewed them differently.  What if they become our superpowers, not our perceived inhibitors?

I am enough; I am valuable; I am important! What narratives impact your perception of self and relationships?  Let’s be responsible for the narratives we are accepting as truth and teaching our children because this is how they will eventually see the world AND themselves.  And as I awaken further into myself, I see the creation and experience of an ever-connected reality. I observe and FEEL so DEEPLY the pain, and I change the narrative! This pain, I love it! It brings me closer to experiencing my wholeness as the love that I AM. Let’s change the narrative. Well, I do NOT want to tell YOU what to do, but FUCK, for me, I AM! Our beliefs and our programs, observed with an open and loving awareness, can be shifted, creating an experience like none of us has had before. Change the narrative.

~ To my dear friend, who said change the narrative, it was the piece I needed! Thank you again! Thank you for being connected!

Drop the versus

A couple of years ago, I came to face my codependent behaviors.  I recognized the narcissistic and codependent dynamic that was pervasive within my relationship structures.  By recognizing there are core wounds in all parties that were processed differently, creating perceptions lending to specific behaviors allowing each to feed off the other, I went for many deep dives.  I absolutely had to heal these core wounds to shift my codependent behaviors that were prevalent throughout my relationships.  While I have made great progress, I still have more energy to shift working my way through the layers of frequency.  The only way I have been successful in this is by treating all experiences, feelings, and relationships with compassion.

No one is at fault here.  The blame, shame, and guilt only strengthen the prison these emotions can create.  We are only doing the best we have with the current level of awakening and awareness we are experiencing individually.  Some of us may never awaken to this, and that is okay.  Perhaps their purpose is to show us the energy. However, the more of us who shift these energies, the more collective shift we will experience. 

As you probably can see by that last statement, there is a connection between the two.  Of course, there is, it is the micro and macro that is prevalent throughout nature.  We see this relationship dynamic collectively.  It is expressed throughout many groups and societal dynamics.  Certain races and classes express and experience the narcissist and codependent relationship. 

As it becomes apparent to us, the divide between the two begins to soften.  The relationships shifted as each party starts to take responsibility and ends the blame, shame, and guilt game with radical honesty.  As we shift the energy, the distortions fall away, this changes our perception, allowing for a clearer picture of nature and reality.  No, these groups may not see or experience the world the same, but they begin to take responsibility for their behaviors and embrace the connectivity of the all. Some may never grow beyond the ethnocentric perspective, and that is okay.  But many of us are, and that is a new individual and collective experience on this planet. 

There are many beliefs pervasive throughout differing cultures.  In the west, we believe in some of the false science of survival of the fittest.  There continues to be a dualistic view that creates the relationship dynamics.  Nature versus nurture, individualism versus collectivism, the “us versus them.” Perhaps it is time for an evolution of perception to expose a veiled truth.  There was or is never a “versus.” The reality beneath the learned programmed expresses a “this and that,” not this or that. All fields are connected, all relationships, and all energy.  When we open to the possibility of shifting our beliefs and practices to inclusivity and connectivity, reality and experience change, not only individually but collectively, they are one and the same.  I see it in my academic courses, the division of topics, and research, which assists in examining the pieces.  But there continues to be a disconnect for the whole.  All the pieces and parts work together, impacting the representation of the whole.

The narcist and codependent are the same energy; only the energy is expressed differently.  We have all the same parts and pieces of the programs that shape our perception and experience.  No one is right or wrong here; we experience the interactions because we are an energetic match.  The experiences in an individual relationship, as well as collective, are showing us something.  For me, I have found opening my awareness and treating my behaviors, feelings, and relationships with compassion were the key to shift the energy.  I am applying the same view with the collective.  Holding and loving my own energy while also respecting the energy of others with compassion.  I no longer need to feed off of others by projecting my perspectives onto them. Can I hold space valuing the perspective of another without being triggered?  Do I have to project my beliefs onto others?  Or can I celebrate each individual and their perspective with love and compassion? 

Ram Dass said, “if you think you are enlightened, spend time with your family.”  These relationships challenge us to shift and grow when we are open to exploring the great adventure of this human experience.  We are the fractal nature of reality; we have all the parts and pieces within.  Where will we shine our light of observation next?  As we begin to experience more of our multidimensionality within the human expression, we can see the THIS AND THAT connectivity.  Our one facet of perspective expands to be multifaceted.  And the challenge is to integrate that through belief and action from the heart with love and compassion.

The evolution within each of us is reflective within the collective. The feminine and masculine, and all all duality structure is coming into balance and cooperation to create something new. And I for one and enjoying the RIDE!

Tools to the field

The field is a space of all energy or information. Carl Jung referred to it as the collective consciousness. This space has not been scientifically proven; perhaps we do not yet have the technology to do so.  But this is a space I hope that one day all people realize they are the tool to access the information, and if your biology makes it difficult to access, know there are many tools within this realm to assist you. Everything is connected within this physicality, and beyond, we can only discover the degree through experience when we are open and aware. We do not need to rely on the physical alone; this is a program; there is a way through intention to pull in information and experience beyond the physical. This is a space I am aware I am expressing from and pulling from based on both conscious and unconscious intention.  Everywhere I look, I see the connection, and it is accessible to all through many forms of expression. 

A few months ago, I was very grounded in my body.  This grounded energy is not my usual state; I tend to observe and experience the world outside of this density.  It is just where I feel comfortable, and I often used my ability to transcend to even higher states to avoid the physical altogether.  My body had enough of that, and I was slammed right into it.  I had been diagnosed with uterine fibroid cysts the year before; between this and my dental issues, I would have a difficult time transcending the physical.  It is my programming to view physical pain and discomfort as negative, and I would learn to listen to my body through this experience and respect the flow of energy, even discomfort, as a messenger.  I had a sense of my physical issues where due to stored energy that I had not allowed traversing the necessary pathways. Even in my awareness, I could not put my finger on how to shift the energy so it would flow like a stream with a bolder, my uterus and mouth, where the blockage point. I set the intention to hear the communication that would provide guidance.

There are many tools I have discovered allow us to reach into the field.  We can shift our brain wave patterns through mediation, trance, and plant medicines, just to name a few.  Each is a tool to inhibit that within our biology that keeps us from reaching across the veil into the field to communicate.  One day I felt so disconnected I reached out, which I do not often do.  Through conversation, I realized it wasn’t a person I needed to provide the tool to help with the communication; it was a plant. 

Through the plant, I would use the connection to the great energy beyond (it isn’t really beyond 😉). During the Covid climate, this would prove quite a challenge.  Then it came to me.  Everything is here, and now, I have access to the all.  I had proven this many times to myself as I would journey in mediation to experience and see the same images and communications as those who were using other tools such as plant medicines.  I wrote about my intention to call in AYA, the great mother, in a blog a few months back.  This is what I did; I set the intention to communicate with Aya, the mother vine, and have her work through my physical body.  And she did; she came as soon as I set the intention and would work on my body through the night.  I remember some communication as she was within my uterus about programming and energy.  Like a memory just out of reach, she moved through me communicating.  It was an intense night full of sweating and my body responding. I saw and experienced so many images, she shared so much that I am still unraveling.

Over the days that followed, I would remain very grounded, and my “issues” that had not allowed the energy to move would show up.  Suddenly I had enough and just demanded boundaries in areas that involved the sexual energy I had not previously realized were an issue.  I spoke a truth that I had disconnected from, and immediately the energy began to shift within my field and within my physical body. I was shown where a program was not in alignment and how not speaking my truth was causing the energy to stagnate and cause dis-ease in both my uterus and mouth. As a matter of fact I had many things out of alignment that I had been avoiding through transcendent states. I was reminded I am here for the balance and expereince between the physical and my spiritual nature. Though the transcendent states feel great and that is what I prefer, I had to start having more conversation that many of us have been avoiding because it simply doesn’t feel good (judgment). Aya showed me the necessary integration. She also confirmed the connection to the field.

WE ARE THE TOOL!  If you require assistance, that is why nature is here, us a part of the connected system that works in cooperation, not competition.  There is a field where we reside simultaneously, energy emanating, creating expressions to experience. The darkness and light are one in this field, the creations in the physical the possibility. We are the all and the one, as above so below, with this connection, I create.

This is what I asked for

Wowee! When I volunteered for the thirty-day challenge to remain authentic, allowing feelings to flow while addressing and sharing how I am always feeling, I did not think it was going to be this difficult.  I have this awareness here that is showing me so much about myself.  My perceptions, my insecurities, and my sensitivities have all come front and center. I am recognizing and maintaining all of this while balancing relationships and expectations have been quite the challenge. The most important factor I am aware of is the struggle to keep my mind clear and always trust myself.  My tendency for people-pleasing rears its ugly head! Down boy, down!

Firstly, I realize I simply do not see the world or communicate within it, like most of those whom I encounter in the relationship. However, I remain constant; my consistent state is one of open exploration. My superpower is chameleon. I have this desire to explore many perspectives. While I will always only experience from the Char perspective, I celebrate all perspectives.  Each of us has a point of attention we are experiencing through in this reality.  No one perspective is more valuable than the other. My perspective with its set of circumstances, creating an experience through my perception, is just one, and I will NEVER truly know another in this reality. The best I can hope for is that through relationships, we see our reflection.  Emotions are communicating the journey through these relationships and environments. Through cultural norms of measuring up to the underlying belief systems, we have hijacked our authenticity and capability of celebrating each unique perspective.  And I celebrate that the Char perspective has seen and experienced this. The adventure through it all is why I came.

Time and time again, I see people who have situations in their lives they have created.  When offered a possible resolution and a deep dive within, they deny the assistance or even the cure.  Humans do not often enjoy change; fear keeps them bound to difficult and constricting situations.  Have we been taught to suffer through our social programming? I know I was. Why wouldn’t we explore our belief structures and allow for changes that create realities where we thrive? This realization was the answer for me, but perhaps it is not the answer for you. When I look out on the populace, I observe much suffering and the inability to focus on the actual cause. It appears many focus on the wrong issues; of course, this again is from my perspective. There is no deep dive into the self; everything is on the outside, which has created victimhood. 

Here in the west, the structures are not created in equal ways.  There is a socioeconomic struggle that creates a survival dynamic.  When we have identities that intersect this struggle, it creates an even more difficult environment.  However, that dynamic is not outside of you.  It is a belief system we have bought into and accepted as truth. These perceived inequalities are social constructs, and feeding that structure only makes it stronger. If we change our thinking from victim status to creation, taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions, we can shift the experiences which, over time, change the structure.  This viewpoint is what is referred to as being the change you wish to see in the world.

I have long released and transcended identities by observing and choosing to know myself beyond this social creation and construction. Beyond all my experiences is my energy, my true essence, and none of that is related to this construct in the way we have been taught. Is this my attempt to reconcile that which I do not understand? Possibly. However, since I began living my life from this perspective, my experiences have shifted to peace and loving creations. The way I perceive the world and my experiences in it has shifted from merely surviving and constant avoidance to loving all my experiences, moving closer to thriving.  I would not have changed my perception if I was unwilling to look within because that is where the perception is created.  If I had continued to focus only on my outside experience and perceived identities, I would have remained in victimhood struggling and suffering, never enjoying this amazing gift of life experience. I changed the narrative from one of escape to one of embrace.

There are just some things that come naturally to me. I view all humans as one.  Perhaps this is my upbringing in such diversity; maybe it is white privilege, I do not know. I certainly have had a multitude of struggles and trauma, but it has never changed my love for anyone. I have always seen the beauty and held unconditional love for everyone.  It was only the assumptions and lack of open communication that allowed a differing perception by others.   We have been taught to judge one another, to compare, to never understand how perception works, to live blindly, always pointing fingers at others, out there. I do not; I celebrate the beauty of us all, regardless of the experiences.

I never even realized the words I was sharing in communication with others were heard through those perceptual ears of judgment. I am always just where I am. I realized we all only hear from the place that we are.  And when I did realize, I struggled with my part of the responsibility of the perception of others. AND THIS realization is what I will write about in my next blog; the phases of evolution. I celebrate all phases of evolution; each is necessary. Because I celebrate ALL of humanity.  Not only those who meet a certain set of sameness but the beauty of it all, particularly the differences.  I am always open to what I will learn and how this growth will expand my experiences. This is the blessing of life! The over 7.8 billion perspectives. The game is awareness of our perception, how it is shaped, and how we interact with our environments based on that perception.

As authentic as I am, I still struggle to stand firm in who I am.  Rejection and the perceptions of others remains a core issue.  Not even a whole week into the emotion challenge, I have stuffed down feelings and felt myself want to detach and avoid.  I have second-guessed myself and allowed my very perception of others to deter my expression.  But I have also seen so much of myself that expresses my growth, my knowledge of who I am. I am traveling new paths, on new journeys, and adventures, and I LOVE it ALL. Each moment is ebbing and flowing, creating something new. AND this is exactly what I asked for. What do you desire?

I am the tree

Happy fall! At the halfway point between daylight and darkness, the perfect balance.  And lately I have been finding the perfect balance in many areas of my life. It continues to show up in many ways. In the areas that I continue to focus, it is all connected. For months I have observed balance as a main topic. No matter where I focus the one thing remains the same, doing it with radical authenticity and honesty are essential to achieve with the balance which requires integration.

Let’s begin with time! I have been having a problem with time.  There never seems to be enough and it goes by way too quickly. Additionally, sometimes I feel like I am not using what time I have in the most beneficial ways.  We are so busy with homeschooling, my last year of college to receive my undergrad degree (and then onto graduate school), and restoration from the flood (almost done) that there is little time for anything else.  Quality time in the way I previous viewed it has evolved to those brief daily moments when I look at my children and my husband with gratitude. Balance between these necessary tasks and presence shows itself to me.

This brings me to what appears to be an important topic for us all. I have been observing this and experiencing it as it evolves in myself and others, EMOTIONS! A sudden realization about emotions and the populations programming regarding emotion has been front and center.  The last week I have had a massive awakening regarding the judgment of others and the judgment of our self that does not allow for the healthy flow of emotion.  We have been taught that if we have a moment of sadness, that there is something wrong, we must always perform and measure up to being happy.  I have discussed this in previous blogs, I call the depression I experience the bottom of the wave.  Over this year I shifted my perspective of this bottom of the wave and ended my judgment.  I now look at it as a moment where I am accumulating energy preparing for the ride to surf the top of wave. However, there is a deep program here, I only addressed the bottom of the wave and this depressed state, but much more has presented itself, ripe for exploration. The emotion program requires us to NEVER openly share our feelings, we should probably depress, detach, and allow for the diagnosis from an outside approved party dictating the result of these behaviors.  The mainstream narrative is that taking a pill, practicing a little mindfulness, and all will be okay! And if it isn’t well of course there is something WRONG with YOU!

Let me just stop right here! There is NOTHING wrong with you! What is wrong is that we are not allowing our emotions to flow. They are our great communicators, they are not bad, they just are, and exploration of them is as important as eating a healthy diet. Over the years I observed many who have detached and buried their emotions. Worse I observe people who mistake perception for emotion. I have had this message come through in major ways in readings when I worked with individuals in this capacity. And EVERY time, the person simply would not allow it!  The program here is so deep and so wide! Our emotions are one of our superpowers, they are a special energy held only by humans, connect and allow them to evolve through open exploration and self-discovery.  In this inverted reality, emotions have been bastardized because they are creation energy and powerful.  When we are in radical authentic states, emotions flow, are heard, they are there to create a balance in our physical bodies. They allow for healthy relationships and can bring a fulfillment we have never experienced, because we do not respect or are not in balance with our emotions.

I continue to work on expressing my emotions.  Recently I made a pact with a friend, for thirty days, she and I will respond to our feelings by acknowledging and listening to them no matter the time or place and without judgement! If we do not express them or acknowledge them, we will write down what we were feeling and why we chose not to.  I have a FEELING we are going to discover quite a bit about ourselves and our fears around rejection and not-enough-ness. Ultimately it appears acceptance is one of the motivators for disengaging emotion, and I look forward to the challenge.  I implore you, take this thirty-day challenge and explore yourself, think of the great adventure to be had here! This may open the door for something amazing and freeing! You will have a new awakened experience.

I continue to see this pattern revolving around balance.  I see where we strive not to feel these lower designated emotions and choose only to focus on the light.  That is because we have been taught to judge the dark as bad or evil.  It is not! Again, it is communicating what we are rejecting, morphing itself to be heard.  Our bodies, the collective, and nature all return to balance.  But it can never do so without being heard and understood.  The communication is continuing to get louder and louder until at last effort there is destruction and a rebuilding. But it does not have to end in complete destruction and rebuilding if we are listening and willing to integrate allowing balance to be initiated and maintained. We can no longer reject and detach from pieces of ourselves, from other humans, and from the earth.  But it requires something new, to bringing all the pieces together without judgement, just an open willingness to explore. 

The tree does not judge itself for having to pull its energy within, it allows for change as its leaves die and fall away.  It does not think it is better than other trees or compare itself to the surrounding trees.  It does not isolate itself, allowing for the connection of the roots to assist one another in relationship. In the spring it births and spreads its leaves releasing and sharing pollen to create. The tree takes the eliminated carbon from other creatures and recycles it into oxygen to feed in a shared cycle of support. It needs to experience all weather. It bears flowers and fruit to feed insects and animals alike. It expands out in all direction growing and reaching for the light. The tree allows the flow, it does not hold back, and does not detach. The tree knows the cycle and does not judge or change time, it flows and allows, always in balance. I see the tree, I explore the tree, I AM the tree.

Responsibility for your part of creation

There are fundamental teachings we receive when we are children.  From in utero to seven or eight years old, we have learned a set of programs and beliefs that have established a template for our behaviors.  For many of us, our experiences repeat patterns that are directly related to those years and learned behaviors. One of the most detrimental behaviors I learned was to be perfect in the eyes of others. I strived to give everyone what they expected and desired from me.  I never knew who I was, and I lived according to the ideals and approval of others. At the very same time, I embody an energy that is a disrupter. Coming into my presence cuts through the false facade. My energy brings to the surface that which everyone has been avoiding. I do not even have to do or say anything, I can walk into a room of people, and my energy awakens them.  In a world where we are disconnected living a lie, this is not welcome energy.  Many would prefer to go about their lives living the illusion. As is typical, there is a reactive response that wants to attack that it does not understand.  Most would prefer to go back to sleep and return to the happy normal, even if it isn’t happy, it is what they know. There is comfort there and bring discomfort in the form of change. My experiences with the reactions of those affected by my energy further detached me from my authenticity, and I became a master at disassociation. The result of my energy reinforced my fear of rejection and not-enoughness until I finally understood it and shifted my entire experience.

While I have spent the last fifteen years unlearning all the programs of who the world thought I should be, it has only been the last couple of years that I discovered who I actually am. And while I had healed and integrated much of my trauma, the main pattern of rejection and not-enough-ness remained; I could not seem to get to this core program. It was only through walking away from all the expectations of others, regardless of their perception, pulling all my energy into myself, and taking that energy applying it only to love and trust of self that I finally broke the main pattern of this programming. I often feel the kickback of my energy and see where my communication and perception of others do not align, but I have let go of any responsibility. We all experience reality through a perceptual filter, and I am not responsible for the perceptions of others.  My people-pleasing and need for acceptance often had me carrying that responsibility. Releasing it has freed me to explore beyond the confines of what is deemed socially acceptable, allowing me to stand firm in who I Am.   

There are a few things I am responsible for in this reality, and measuring up to the expectation of the social construct is no longer one of them.  However, I am responsible for my creations, and that means my children who are a reflection of me with my pieces and parts. I take responsibility for the core programs that I instilled within them. Over the last couple of weeks, I see an integration of energy ramping up yet again.  Anything that carries strong emotion is ready to be processed and alchemized. I realize the choices I have made in my life were the best choice with the information I had. With this realization, I have let go of most shame and guilt. However, there is a layer that I have not integrated to date.

When I was raising my middle son, who is now 22 years old, I was in my break down of the identity stage. The first few years were not an aware breakdown, and I often chose dissociative behaviors to cope. During my son’s programmed years, I and those surrounding me often conveyed the message that he was not enough and that he did not measure up.  The constant conversation was how amazing he was at this or that, BUT if he would only change these other undesirable behaviors.  His need to have the last word, I can’t imagine where he learned that 😉 or his need to belong, that sounds familiar.  He surrounded himself with those who also had behaviors that were escapist and disconnected based on their underlying pain and needed to just feel okay in their bodies, coping to survive.  I recognize all these behaviors he learned from me. He is a perfect reflection. But society doesn’t look at what has happened, or the story; it only has a desire to judge, and I allowed it. I didn’t know any better. At that time, I did not understand the programs.  I was not educated about how society and its programs operated; I still believed the systems in place had our best interest in mind. And I was still trying to escape because I could not quite ever measure up!

When two very dysfunctional people entered our lives, we experienced a pivotal moment. The result was I did not trust my son.  It was his word against and adult and this adult’s child.  When I was supposed to protect my child and support him, I did not, and this one action was the pivotal moment in his life.  My son reacted by what appeared to be a breakdown, but this was an attempt to communicate with me.  The hospital recommended that he be put into a psychiatric facility HE WAS 11 years old.  Once in this facility, I was given a plethora of diagnoses. Mind you; AGAIN, he was 11 years old.  I was told he was schizophrenic with a personality disorder and bipolar.  Even when my intuition told me to bring him home and the absurdity of these diagnoses, I went against my feelings, and he remained.  After thirty days, he was in aftercare on a myriad of medications and would return home.

After being home for a month, I removed him from all medications, but the choice I made to protect him and listen to the “experts” ended up being the trauma that shattered him. This choice taught my son that those who would protect him and have his back do not.  His behaviors would be centered around never being enough, and his fear of betrayal.  I repeated the same choice as my mother, trusting against my intuition, and doing what was easiest by giving my power away.  I experience so much shame around this experience. I seemed to have left it last to be processed and integrated.  It wasn’t my sexual trauma that carried the most shame; it was being an adult and not following my intuition, not protecting my child, and repeating the generational cycle. 

However, I am a cycle breaker.  I reached out to assist my son by talking about something we both had avoided.  To express to him how amazing he is and take responsibility for where the program was created, leading to his belief that he is not enough. I take complete responsibility for what my fears and choices have created within him. When I extend love to him, I feel his constriction.  I recognize it because I too used to feel it.  It occurs in the chest, the energy there is stuck, the pressure feels as if you will explode.  My son had learned, just as I had, to disassociate, to stuff down, or disconnect from emotion.  And just as I experienced, there is a need for this energy to flow.  It will not flow until he moves into his body and begins to feel without judgment.  I know this because I have experienced it, and more of humanity is about to or is going through this integration on some level.  That is why there is a sudden uptick of old relationships entering our lives in reality and dream time.

The system has created an illusion describing what is normal and expected when there is no such thing as normal, and expectations are just another manipulation through judgment.  We are comparing ourselves to something that is a lie.  We are a result of a spectrum of experience—some of us holding onto and integrating and some dissociating.  Instead of accepting responsibility for our parts or learning healthy ways to cope, we contribute to the problem by believing the illusion. It isn’t anyone’s fault; we made the best choice at the time.  But now that we are awake, here is where we are responsible.  We are each responsible for shifting the programs that have resulted in these behaviors creating realities we do not desire. The only way to do this is within relationships, not avoiding them.

It is time to stop pointing the finger at others.  To step up and be responsible for each of our behaviors.  Not only the surface behavior but understanding the programs that created the behaviors and our perceptions by exploring without blame, shame, and guilt, empowering one another through compassion. Not to use our wounds as weapons, but to treat one another with compassion and love.  No more pathologizing and pill-taking; let’s explore the story and end the prison of labels.  What happened? Let’s explore the layers, not just focus on the resulted behaviors.

Does it excuse our actions? No.  But it allows us to see below the surface into the program to make changes in the code.  My codes lent to create the same codes in my children, and only through radical authenticity and honesty will I break these programs.  With compassion for our learned behaviors, not judging them, we can openly explore and shift. Today I celebrate the beauty of my children and focus on cultivating the best version of them and me possible.  Not to measure up to the social constructs of society, but so we can feel and experience who we are beneath the dust, no longer a prisoner within our minds and programs of not-enough-ness. I am teaching them to allow their emotions to flow, to process, and to integrate. A generation who knows how to do these things will be the change we desire to see in the world. But it begins with us!

I recently read a document; I shared it in a blog a few days ago.  It triggered me to see what is happening in this reality.  Moses took so long taking his people through the desert, and during this time, hundreds of thousands who had a slave mentality died. They were replaced by using the procreation of new generations with a new program and mentality. History is repeating itself, as it always does in the cycle of this reality. We are creating the new program through us and the next generations.  We are changing the perception of the power dynamic, returning to harnessing our power.  We are creating, just as Moses did,  the age of sovereignty and empowerment. We do not have to agree to the illusion.  We are creating from within, so it is time to be responsible for your part in creation. 

“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
― Alexander Den Heijer

Allow the programs to FALL away.

My daughters are homeschooled through an online curriculum, an online public school, still operating within the state standards.  The principle triggers me; her energy of power, control, assumptions, and lack of displayed compassion simply trigger me.  What does that have to do with her? OBSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOTHING! That has EVERYTHING to do with ME! My experience, the way I feel, the emotions, they are ALL showing me something about ME!  Do I run away from this? NO, I know the more I experience these interactions, the more I am triggered, and I can look at those responses within. These are the signals! It is in relationships with others and our environments that allow us to shift to new experiences.  I RUN TOWARDS these interactions, these triggers because FOR ME, I have this innate desire to expand.  The only way to do this is by looking at the programs.  How are those programs triggered? Relationships and interactions. 

Look, I used to hang out in 5D ALL day, but what I realized was I was avoiding integration.  From the 5D perspective, I can see the bigger view and I am in complete allowing and accepting. But I AM spirit having a HUMAN experience.  YES, the spirit is the more comfortable place for me to reside, but I came here to experience the physical and all the programs that allow me to grow through the experience.  We cannot do that if we are not integrating while in the 3D; we are only avoiding when we remain in the light and refuse to look at our own shadow.  We are also using escape narratives when we say we are creating a new timeline, one for us and one for them.  We do not desire to face the shadow, or we escape into the 5D creation of which we already reside.  This is an ethnocentric view, and the “us against them” duality is what is being integrated, take notice of every single blog I share! Take notice of what is coming up in the world. So that is why I RUN towards what triggers me!

Do I trigger you?  Most likely! And there is a reason FOR that!  I used to hate that I did this to people; I did not understand my own energy and detached from it as a young child in order to survive and possibly bond because safe and healthy attachment is so important in our young years.  Obviously, I chose that unhealthy attachment would be a program I would need to integrate to grow. Now that I have opened to experiencing and understanding my energy, I clearly see why I trigger a response in others.  That is my unique energy frequency, and I finally love it and embrace it with compassion. I no longer am ashamed of my energy and purpose here in the 3D.  I see reality and frequency differently than most, and while this can be lonely, even that is the lesson.  To stand firm in who I AM. See, I needed to integrate rejection.  Thank you for helping me see and integrate that energy!

I trigger you because I hold a frequency to assist you in integration.  I bring awareness to your unconscious.  I pull energy from the field and present it so you and I may work through it. Our interactions provide the atmosphere for growth when we stand firm in authenticity and integrity. When we release the judgment and bias the social constructs have embedded, we can truly experience the freedom to explore and engage this great adventure!  I can show you the inverted codes, offering a guide for you to shift these pieces; to allow a flow of energy, taking you to more preferred experiences.  This is what I do, and it has taken me half a lifetime to figure it out and embrace it with love and gratitude.  I simply see the world through a unique lens, as we all do.  Mine continues to shift closer and closer to my spiritual essence. In this adventure, I am pulling previous unassessed energy into the field for all the play. I move towards perfect balance and neutrality because I have played the roles of dark, and I have played the roles of light; I am learning to master the role of neutrality. This is another reason I am constantly seeing pyramids, a daily reminder from the higher aspects of my purpose.

Stop looking OUT there and begin focusing within. If out there is triggering you, ask yourself why, not who.  And stop the projection!  The “I see darkness in her!” has no place in your growth; it is a projection.  If you see darkness, it is because it is a reflection of your energy; in some areas, it could be us both.  But you can not experience that which you are not a match to in frequency.  My energy is a major reflector; that is its purpose.  Embrace the reflection, that is why you are experiencing it; it is a GIFT! Being awake and aware takes great responsib.ility on each of our parts.  It takes a level of emotional maturity to understand the process and to expand.  Our transformation is a gift and can really be a FUN ride if we allow it to be!  Recognize we only are observing and experiencing through our current level of perception, which is always morphing and changing as we shift.   

As fall approaches and old programs die and fall away, recognize how they no longer serve you, WITHOUT JUDGMENT! They have a purpose, and now that purpose of each shift allows what no longer serves to FALL away! Embrace the internal journey that comes with these upcoming seasons.  You are preparing to bloom something NEW and EXCITING! Embrace the cultivation of change from within by seeing the mirror.  You do not brush your hair on the mirror.  As I said in my last few blogs, seeds need the weather to grow, they need to go through the cycles from seed to plant, returning to seed. Each a cycle in growth changing with each season. Celebrate the falling away of the old.

The communicators.

I am observing the cycles, the shifting of boundaries, the awareness stepping forth, reminding us to look within always.  I see the patterns in the universe.  Fractal patterns have always shown up in my higher aspect’s communication with me. Years ago, the torus showed up as a repeating pattern, signifying the flow of energy.  Over time I observed the layers that at the time believed was the whole.  I only saw a slice of reality, and it appeared in a way my conscious mind was capable of translating.  The more I expand, the more I can decipher. I have long known how energy works within this reality and how we pull into our experience a match to our own energy, whether conscious or not.  We do not experience that which we are not a match to in some sort way, from soul agreements, the unconscious, and conscious beliefs everything is connected. Our higher self does not judge, and the more I embody my higher aspects, shifting the distortions, I experience from this state.

When we remove judgment and allow, our perception evolves. My perception is one of a great adventure! Our emotions are powerful and creative energy; it is our judgment and programming that distorts that energy.  The secondary learned emotions of negative shame and guilt can keep us from allowing our emotions to flow.  While guilt and shame have their place when expressed positively in ways that do not keep us bound, recognizing where they like fear is a choice, and a learned response further distorts energy.  There are MANY emotions that are distorted and experienced in negative, self-destructive ways creating realities that match. The negative expression of these energies continues to breakdown the physical body with dis-ease. Each of us is fully capable of shifting these emotions back into their positive, creative life, expanding expression, and this creates realities we prefer.  Sometimes it takes experiencing what we do not prefer to discover what we do.  In awareness, we begin to recognize the choice and energy. With this awareness, we begin to shift layer by layer, returning us to the divine blueprint. Awareness of emotions is just another piece in the multi-layer, multi-phased transformation.

I recognized in a dear friend a pattern with mother nature and our emotional divine blueprint.  Mother nature expresses herself as weather, to create a perfect ecosystem. The rain, snow, sun, and wind are all necessary.  Within nature, what can be perceived as destructive forces also purify and provide the atmosphere for new life and ecosystems to grow.  Recently I saw the relationship pattern between this natural expression and our emotions.  Most of us have learned that our feelings are bad, that they should never be expressed, or we have cut ourselves off from them.  Under this belief system, the secondary feelings of guilt and shame for expressing them are typically the result. The very act of not allowing your emotions to flow through you freely in awareness, allowing them to communicate, short circuits the physical body having a cascade effect on the systems.  Once we begin to let go of judgment of the emotions and treat them as valid, we can begin working with them.  Emotions are not bad; it is what we do with them; they are energy. In another layer, they are a learned tool used to communicate.

Nature is creation, the cycle of life, the food chain through the energy of nature.  Emotions are very similar to parts of this system.  When we become aware of the beliefs about our emotions, and we make conscious choices to allow ourselves to feel them while listening to the messages, we have opened the door to alchemy.  I have discussed many times sitting with my emotions and alchemizing them into the energy of neutral love by having compassion and no longer stuffing down or dismissing what is being communicated. We can learn to manipulate the energy to consciously create.  This is master level shit, here 😊 I am making it sound very simple, yet it is not; we are a complex system of energy, this is one layer.

Open to a relationship with your emotions.  They are the rain and sun to the garden, which feeds the deer, which feeds the hunter. They communicate to the seed when and how it should grow. They tell the plant which way to follow the sun. Nature provides the nutrients to grow; its energy communicates growth and change.  Just like nature, your emotions are a necessary expression and cycle. YOU are NOT your emotions; they are energy that regulates and transforms, always communicating to return us to homeostasis, like nature. Letting go of these old beliefs about emotions and begin to explore openly and compassionately, and you will begin to have new experiences. If you are already suffering physically, likely, you are not allowing your emotions to flow in positive ways.  Everything we see is a program; the program was created by what we saw and experienced during those early years of this incarnation; these emotions are a part of the physical human but where learned.  Our perception of emotion for most of us,  we learned to perceive emotion as weak and a hindrance to survival.  We are often ashamed of our emotions, particularly if they do not measure up to that perfect happy person that has been portrayed as our safety. No one can tell you what to feel; emotions are valid.  But be aware and pay attention to why you are feeling them and what they are communicating.  We need healthy, positive emotions to move beyond survival to thrive! Emotions are here like any other energy to serve our expression and experience. What we do with them as a tool for internal communication is entirely up to us.  Just like any other programming of the unconscious, it is up to us to shift it. Can you healthily use anger? Fuck yeah!

In the duality of this reality, we have a choice; it is up to us to decide if we are living our best version of ourselves and to make a change if we are not happy.  We are not victims; it is our responses to the energy that determines the next experience. By listening to our emotions and learning to understand the messages, we can shift our responses to create differing outcomes.  Or we can choose to remain in the same patterns.  Manipulate the energy of emotions by learning the language and alchemizing with compassion shifting it to an energy that will best serve us, is one of the keys. That’s the exciting part of this reality. Radical authenticity in awareness, exploring openly, allowing, expands us on the return.  Do not worry about being WRONG! PLAY! We are here to master energy through experience. We must embrace our power and remember who we are; it is only us who change our realities, from the inside out.  What do you wish to grow today?

~ Let’s have a conversation. It is in interactions in relationships and environments that trigger our blueprint.  Together we can open the door to explore where there is a need for awareness.  I am a guide, opening the door to see what your current unconscious programming will not allow. When you are ready for this phase of awakening and transformation, I am here. I am open to guide three individuals.

Email me at if you are interested, and we will discuss if you are ready for this phase of transformation and if we are a good fit.