Ripples in the pond

Knowledge of PTSD was not vast when I was ten years old, and it was referred to primarily as shell shock recognizing that PTSD often occurred due the extreme experiences in war. But in some communities, there is a war to survive. And I have shell shock from that war of survival.

Every single day I traversed some highly stressful situation that would impact the rest of my life. Being raised in poverty almost always guarantees you will be surrounded by people who are also traumatized. Due to the circumstances and conditions in poverty, people will often rely on crime or other methods society frowns upon to get their needs met. Many of us are not even on the board in the game of life.

When individuals do not have the resources necessary to play the game, they find other survival means. This situation often creates pathological behaviors that affect individuals and those surrounding them. It isn’t just an individual or single group issue; poverty touches every facet of the individual and society. If you were raised in extreme poverty, there is a good chance you have been exposed to trauma and the shell shock of survival.

When I was a ten-year-old girl, a therapist attempted to hypnotize me to relax my conscious mind and share openly. Truthfully, we didn’t understand the unconscious mind or hypnotherapy those years ago. I am grateful for our human ability to explore and expand as we emerge into new information so our perspectives can change and grow. Note it takes the ability to constantly ask questions and find new truth through a willingness to release old truths even in the face of discomfort.

My inability to relax should have been the sign that I needed treatment. There was never any safe, relaxing situation I had encountered by the time I was ten, and the rest of my life continued to glean the same results. Perhaps if I had got the support and treatment I needed then, my behaviors would have shifted. But instead, I was rejected not only because I was in poverty but also because I was a broken child.

I learned to detach from the core of who I was and not to trust myself, constantly attempting to fit into society but never quite getting it “right.” My relationship began in 2007 with my current husband, and in 2011 I began defragging my mind and pulling the parts and pieces together. I only started this journey because I almost lost my family due to my unhealthy coping mechanisms of escape. I would learn to balance healing and bypassing during the last ten years. Because sometimes, we need to go deeper, and sometimes, we need the distraction until we are ready.

And while I accept this, I am frustrated with those who simply virtue signal and take no responsibility for their behaviors. Specifically, I am exhausted from being treated like I am broken because I openly share my struggles and thought processes. I continuously battle feeling like I am broken and worthless. And I often get frustrated because my mind does things I do not prefer. I do not need the constant reminder and judgment of my brokenness from others in the form of rejection. Individuals can often reject those who are “wounded,” but it never occurs that that action reinforces the wound, sometimes damaging them further. These actions further spread as individuals interact with one another and throughout generations.

Because I have desperately desired to understand human behavior, especially the behaviors that have significantly impacted me, I have sought to understand why individuals do this with others. We are social creatures, and we have a desire to belong. I observed the ingroup and outgroup and the established bias within groups, including groupthink. But most importantly, what I saw was the connection between people who had not processed their own behaviors and experiences. As a result, their behavior was to reject others because it is uncomfortable to face your fear. We reject others because we reject ourselves.

We do not know what we do not know; that is why it is called unconscious bias. As humans, we often fear what we do not know. Further, when individuals do not feel safe, they have reactionary behavior. And for some, the behavior is to reject and bypass.

It appears that as a culture, we do not realize that we have replaced compassion with moral superiority through bypassing and rejection. And I recognize this is a method of self-regulation and coping, albeit maladaptive. Some of the resulting maladaptive coping behaviors create the cycle of hurting others to feel safe and survive. And the cycle repeats.

It is necessary to change these behaviors so we do not continue to wound already wounded individuals by finally providing safe spaces for us all. And further to ensure we do not repeat the same trauma within the next generation. Around and around we go, armed with all the information in the world and the inability to apply it for positive change.

What can we do to make changes in these areas? We can accept our responsibility. To fully understand ourselves and healing allows us to compassionately hold space for others without rejecting them. The more humans have a loving, supportive environment, the healthier the society. Recognize all the behaviors and experiences are linked to one another- we are ripples in a pond. Our actions affect one another. When we are always in a state of survival, we are spreading the trauma, whether realized or not. If you really listen to the universe, she is currently showing us this very loudly.

I have said this before and repeat it; change begins with us. The way forward is to look at our behaviors, be open to exploring, and recognize our biases. I know it’s scary, and yes, sometimes it is painful. To change this complex and dynamic system, we must begin somewhere. Humans tend to like simplicity, and a simple start is to self-reflect honestly. Then to take responsibility for your behaviors so you can make new compassionate and safe ripples in the pond- reminding us the problem isn’t “out there.” Maybe stop the virtue signally and take action. It is time for some personal shadow work to heal and, as a result, heal the collective. Looking at what you have repressed, so we can look at and address what we have suppressed.

I have a call to action. I challenge you to be human. Engage the problem by eliminating the desire to escape and embrace what it is to be human. Go within and reflect on how your actions affect others. With excitement, look at the shadow with comapssion learning from it and understanding it so you can create new ripples in the pond.

The tessellate

This week I am working on a project called tessellation with my daughters. In this project, my children write an essay addressing the characteristics they find most important about themselves. We have decorated pieces representing each child and others to who we are connected, and even those we believe are beyond our sphere of influence. The pieces all fit together like a puzzle. Each piece of the puzzle is necessary for the whole—this is a perfect representation of how we fit together as a family, community, and humanity.

Last year brought something I will be shaping my career to address to the surface. I have observed how we judge one another as too much of this or too little of that. The biggies like race, class, and sexuality are front and center. But there are other characteristics and behaviors which we continue to judge. The cultural ideologies suggest what are considered good or bad characteristics. Generationally I see how we have been programmed to evaluate characteristics in others and how that has shifted over time. Masculinity is a perfect example. What is considered masculine has shifted over time, and those who fit the norm great but who do not are judged to be dysfunctional and are coxed to change their performance to match the standard set.

I see how these unique characteristics bring about shame in the individual. It can create unhealthy behaviors as these individuals attempt to fit in. Shame is used to make others believe there is something wrong with their innate being, forcing them to find ways to cope. I learned to detach from my core due to these standards and adhere to the norm to provide safety. However, since 2019, I have worked to reattach that core being and hold firm in who I am. I will no longer shift my characteristics or have unhealthy coping mechanisms because of the pressure of those surrounding me. We are all a unique piece of the puzzle, affecting more than we know.

We impact every person we interact with. Our children and family are our greatest creations. When raising my children, the behaviors I had created patterns of behavior in them, beliefs which they shaped all behavior around. I no longer shame my children. It is what I was taught, but I eventually realized what that was doing to them. My younger children have a different mother than my older children, and I find it my responsibility to reshape things with my older children with radical honesty and acceptance. It was me who hurt them; I played a part in creating some of their maladjusted behaviors. So I openly explore with them and accept responsibility for my part. My behavior has allowed for healing and the courage to look deeper into their creations. Our impact is far and wide.

I watched as a woman discussed how her daughter was a drug addict and would probably struggle with that her entire life. She never took responsibility for her role in creating any of the maladjusted behaviors in any of her children’s lives. It was just all shrouded in shame. From my perspective, it was there right up front to see, but no one addressed it. Every child had an escape behavior, which was derived from the escape behavior of the mother. But no one stepped up and said fuck shame; we are all in this together; what can we look at, discuss, and take responsibility for that provides the freedom we all so desperately desire.  

Recently I had someone list characteristics and behaviors that they had, implying my characteristics, opposite to theirs, was flawed. It was an attempt to shame me for who I am, my traits and behaviors not measuring up to what this person believes are desirable. I find it very interesting that this person would take this approach because they have characteristics and behaviors that do not fit the norm. They have experienced shame and pain caused by others not allowing them the space to be who they are at their core being. But again, it is easy to see in the areas we have begun to address as a culture but not in others. It isn’t easy to see the connection to other characteristics and behaviors and the judgment that comes from outside an individual’s norm or culturally deemed desirable behaviors.

I thought about the implications of these accusations, that I was too much of this and not enough of that, for a few weeks. It opened the door by looking at the shame it had caused me in the past and how I had detached from who I was to people please. Instead of being ashamed and feeling rejected, I stood taller and prouder in who I am, loving and embracing these characteristics and behaviors. And something else showed itself, which allowed me the space to stand stronger. The same behaviors and characteristics that this individual was attempting to shame me for were the same characteristics and behaviors my husband of fifteen years deemed the most important in his list of love for me. I would not trade my husband for a trillion of anyone. He is my best friend and love; he has unlocked and allowed me to be the person I am finally. When he says he is your friend and loves you, he means it to his core. His love and friendship do not wane because I said something he did not like or disagreed on a subject.

That is where we are as a society. We effectively cancel people if they have a characteristic or behavior we disagree with. And further, we do not explore on our own. We take others’ words and perceived experiences as truth, never recognizing that we are all experiencing something different based on our previous experiences and inner narrative. We are in a hazardous time, where the truth and context are avoided for the meme and fragment to be used as weapons. While the current events offer the opportunity to see what is happening beneath the surface, exposing the things we have avoided or blinded to, we choose not to look. We want to cover it all up, behavior according to the cultural norms, and attempt to move forward, canceling those who raise questions. Those who recognize cognitive dissonance in others do not see it in themselves, and they effectively bulldoze each other with what they deem acceptable characteristics and behaviors. Only when the other measures meet their expectations will they have the space to stand together. What lies beneath is a superiority and righteousness complex that will never allow anything different in its place. This behavior is a historical trend and one on which western culture was based.

I have an innate desire to go against the norm. I always have. I see what others do not, and I realize that it is entirely human to reject ideas outside of our bias. However, when you remove the judgment and take a deeper look, you begin to see this approach’s freedom. Facing our conscious bias and exposing our unconscious bias is the key. It truly connects you to your higher self by taking you outside your comfort and prejudice. I have decided to no longer use the term shadow; it elicits a negative response in people, poking at their fear and shame. Because most of us have not had the opportunity or courage to facilitate an evolution of neurodevelopment beyond black and white thinking, fear and shame keep us locked into old narratives used to control. Shame has been used to keep us locked into these judgments and behaviors.

I know the value of looking at my most uncomfortable parts and pieces. I get satisfaction by venturing to the places. If we look throughout history, we see that the most significant growth had happened when we stopped trying to cancel one another and began to give others outside of the norm the freedom to be human. When we look at how our behaviors affect one another and take responsibility, the most remarkable positive change can occur. I have observed individuals escape bias only to get locked into another box due to comfort and belonging. But it is time to get uncomfortable. Can we approach one another without shame, blame, and guilt and find our way into the balance that the earth and humanity so desperately need?

A start is to love all of the pieces of the whole that make up humanity. Some of us have starkly different characteristics than the norm. We will never fit into this perfect mold that cultural history has created. And my goal is to hold space for individuals to stand proud in the energy of who they are. To love themselves fully and know their unique characteristics are essential pieces to the whole. I stand up against shaming and canceling individuals. This fearlessness as a social warrior is an important characteristic and behavior of mine. Without shame and blame, I have no problem discussing what is hidden from us. I have a gift and the ability to open and look deeper into the abyss without fear. My characteristics and behaviors are essential as I bring awareness to those unable to see. And I have the love that defeats the shame we all have been programmed to wield.

I continue to see this everywhere, people who have been shamed their entire lives because they bring the resistance into areas in which others have taken so much comfort. I observe individuals like me, who do not stand firm, bombarded by the pressure of those who shame their characteristics and watch as they buckle under the pressure. They give up on living as who they are; they bend and twist to meet the expectations, allowing shame to disfigure. They cannot find stability, and never being armed to recognize true love, they implode. And those who continue to judge and cancel them take the pieces out of context and judge that much more, never realizing it was their actions that created the foundation of the very behaviors they despise.

So, I am educating my children to recognize the significance and beauty of the necessary characteristics to the whole regardless of their discomfort. As adults, we express ourselves as wounded children, so I am proactive in not harming the next generation of adults. I am here to combat shame and look deeper into the spaces that we are afraid of and beyond the illusions of comfort and freedom. We can find true freedom by shedding light into these spaces and kneading the clay that has hardened with love.

Stand firm in who YOU are because you are an essential piece in the tessellate of consciousness expression.

Let’s bake a new cake

I have two glorious weeks off school and will be utilizing them to read, write, meditate, and expand in all the areas the universe guides me.

I am getting ready to start grad school; I am in my last one and a half classes to a bachelor’s in psychology. My last day of class is the end of February. I might have a few weeks of a break then onto grad school. When I started this journey, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up and no direction. But as time passed and information was integrated, the universe guided me to exactly where I was meant to be. My perspectives changed so much over the last few years, but I continued to ride the waves of synchronicity, each moment taking me to the next. My next step is to complete the Masters in Counseling program. I did not want to be a counselor when I started this journey. But as the journey unfolded through the integration of education and experience, I learned how my natural abilities paired with more profound knowledge would take me to this place.  

Through exploring many perspectives, I discovered that different communities and cultures were discussing the same ideas using different words. Often because the words did not match or because of the perceptual filters one currently has, unknowingly similar ideas were rejected. Usually, it was superiority and righteousness that kept the mind tightly sealed. Sometimes it was giving our power away to others and not navigating and integrating information on our own that stifled our expansion. Other times, we allowed information to be framed so that we never developed to our potential, limiting ourselves by the framing of others.

For several years leading up to my enrollment in college and through my college journey, I facilitated what would be considered metaphysical and alternative modalities. Through this facilitation in what I called unitive guidance and regression in conjunction with my academic studies, I found many links that all lead back to the same underlying ideology. In my sessions, the connected guidance explores the unconscious, bringing forward beliefs and experiences that impact your desired life experiences. I look at it like ingredients in a cake; if you want your cake to taste different, you need to change the ingredients. The session is not a psychic session; as a matter of fact, I do not follow or believe in psychics or astrology due to their framing, which most people will self-fulfill by giving their power away. My goal is to guide as a tool to change the ingredients to bake the cake of your heart’s desire. We achieve this in several ways, through one-on-one discussion sessions and relaxed state exploration. But no matter the tool, the communication is almost always the same. It is a message of self-empowerment by providing the ingredients to create a new experience.

The tricky part is always the translation. The messages come through as images, and it is often the case that we misunderstand the messages. Our perception and core beliefs shift the meaning of the messages. At the end of the day, only we get in the way of our happiness and feelings of fulfillment. The definitions we give the words, ideas, and feelings change everything. Context matters: a pencil can be used as a tool or a weapon, so our filtered perception through our cultural and generational programming creates nuance. This connection tool can be dangerous if it is not handled correctly, as it can be used to manipulate others. We are all connected to it, no one person has access to something you do not, but if you need a little guidance, there are tools available.

This blog brings me to why I am completing these degrees. I have experienced these tools being used by those who would manipulate the emotions of others to their benefit. My goal is to empower and activate your power and connection so that I am no longer needed as a guide. And it appears that the gifts I have accumulated in guidance will be carried forward into the next phase of my development. I will bridge spirituality and science, which really are the same. The next evolution will be as an educated and licensed counselor to explore beyond my current realms of discovery. After that, I will continue to a PhD. program that the universe provides. As I continue to integrate experience and knowledge, I work towards healing myself and others so together we can create a more balanced reality.

Here is an example from my sessions. The guidance session opens to discuss loneliness and desiring connection; the vision is of a male with a cowboy hat opening a gate on a ranch. The client is suggested to open new doors to connection and experience. The next session, a deepened relaxation experience; the client sees themselves alone after all family members die looking out across a field from a hill. The client did not receive guidance through me; the vision was experienced herself, so any other feelings or images were shared directly. The subsequent guidance session is of a field and forest; the vision shows the client already sitting on a throne alone in a field; it is suggested the client goes on a new adventure in the dark forest. The following guidance session shows several arched doorways; each felt as though they represented a life; past all the doorways was a big ocean; the vision shows the client putting all her emotions from experiences into a glass box and burying it at the bottom of the sea.  In the next session, the guidance shows a treehouse with a “do not trespass” sign; then, it shows fog with headlights attempting to shine through the fog. The client changes no behaviors and makes no new choices, remains in the same pattern during our time together, and remains single.  

As we can see the translation is the issue, and it is unique for everyone. From my perspective, this client has a theme in the guidance, none of which she interprets as making changes and opening by processing these buried emotions. The communication was that she was meant to do new things, face her fears and feelings, and stop avoiding them while also changing her behaviors for that ranch gate to open. She was lonely, but she would not be exposed and bonded to this person unless she left her field into the dark forest. She was not in alignment with the possibility; the guidance gave her the new ingredients to add so that the universe could guide her towards her heart’s desire. It would take effort; she would need to choose a new ingredient to bake a different cake. And she did choose; she decided to stay where she was comfortable with the bypassing of emotion, avoiding fear with the illusion of safety.

We all have the tools to live the best life possible. As a licensed counselor, I can open the door further with more tools for clients, and I am excited about this next adventure. I can safely explore the dark and light from this vantage point.  We have the means to experience our heart’s desire by finding the necessary ingredients in our cake. While we may be content, experience and integration with an awareness of the dark and light are essential for growth. Let’s bake a new cake by discovering some new ingredients!

The great escape

I am writing this blog to share my current perspective. It shows an evolution of perspective over time.

About fifteen years ago, I was going through a great deal. My life had been riddled with trauma and pain, but at the time, I had felt as though I was moving in the right direction. Around 2007-2008, the mortgage crisis happened; I just happened to be in the mortgage industry. In that year, I lost my business, car, house and was in the divorce and custody battle of my life. I had not learned healthy coping mechanisms. All the people who surrounded me to date had very unhealthy coping mechanisms. So, I had never really known how to self-regulate.

Further, I had undiagnosed PTSD.  During this time, I had developed a strong addiction to opioids, which were being used in a self-medication capacity. I had never really used them, I had other unhealthy coping mechanisms, but ALL of them were based on ESCAPE. The opioids were the perfect drug; they took away all the past and present pain. At the same time put me on a spiral that revolved around maintaining the escape.

I sought treatment and, at the same time, began exploring the depths of who I might be. I had no idea who that was. It was in this seeking that I found the new age spiritual communities. I fell hook line and sinker into the depths of belief and the relationships these groups afforded me. It was essential for me to belong at that time. My new husband allowed me the space to explore, and I appreciated that. He was never threatened by my beliefs and respected my journey. We had this in common; I had always respected the views of others and celebrated the many perspectives of the world. However, while in the new age communities, I quickly realized that it was no different from other religious organizations. Their beliefs are the only accepted beliefs, and everyone else is wrong. In their view, the rest of the population has it wrong, and they believe that one everyone will wake up. There is much judgment and bastardizing of others who disagree with them. Being raised by a born-again Christian, this perspective NEVER sat well with me. The new age community has different words, like vibration and energy, but it is all the same. Individuals are viewed through a lens of measuring up to the spiritual superiority set by an eastern and western blend of cultural ethics and morals.  

It was a couple of years ago when I started really noticing it. I had what I considered a friend; this person disagreed with my perspective on fear. When others would challenge their beliefs, they would bully them, using money as their tool. I watched as they distanced themself from me due to our disagreement.  Further, I observed how others emotionally manipulated them for their financial gain. I observed detachment from emotion and their lack of healthy communication. Several times I intuited that they wanted healthy relationships but were not open to allowing themself to feel. There is a strong focus on only feeling positive emotions and a straight-up avoidance of anything perceived as low vibration in the new age communities. I quietly went my separate way, but something in our relationship and her behaviors did not sit well with me, and I would see it again in others.

I would go from individual to individual, having put them on a pedestal as if they had all the answers I was seeking. Seeking is definitely what I was doing, looking for answers I believed someone else had figured out. In the end, these people who I had labeled as teachers were sometimes more wounded than I, which showed in their behaviors. Wow, they were great at typing blogs and word salad, but everything was apparent in their behaviors and relationships. I am NOT perfect; I am open, honest, and authentic about what I am experiencing. I do not surround myself with people who will continue my confirmation bias. These environments create an echo chamber where the same perspective only surrounds individuals, and a lack of growth and development ensues.

More and more, I became uncomfortable with these new-age views and practices. It had spread beyond the new age ideologies, having many different labels, but it was all the same thing I have observed throughout history. However, I could not put my finger on exactly what felt off. Then a couple of years ago, an individual I followed read a blog of mine and sent me a message my blog had inspired them. This person copied and pasted my blog to their page, added a few more lines, and took all the credit. I was plagiarized without remorse. It was at that moment that I recognized the feeding of validation. This individual was so popular; people hung on every word. There was a lack of authenticity, and I would continue to observe it in their behaviors. I wonder if that was the trigger for me, their inauthenticity because authenticity is critical. I sat with it for months, watching others in these communities and reflecting on my conversations in the past. It took a while, but I finally saw it for what it was, spiritual virtue signaling.  A projected self-full of all the virtues one feels will make them be perceived as evolved and measuring up. Often it is directed at others to put the behaviors of others down. The signaler will use spiritual superiority tactics, which talk down to others, signaling that their behaviors are superior and that the other person needs to change who they are to measure up, often using shame.

In educating myself, I was able to change my perspective by surrounding myself with NEW information and filtering through it, integrating what I needed. Over the years, I have studied religion, magic, ritual, and cult behaviors. I hadn’t realized I was in a cult, but that is precisely what it was several times. At the same time, my guidance often communicated my need for balance.

I have no problem being outside of my body; I am a master at dissociation. I needed to learn to live in my body. Both perspectives are required. And as I learn to balance, I often experience new insights. I find that we are complex systems, and everything is essential and has its place. I discovered the need to go deep and examine and explore all my parts and pieces without judgment, loving every aspect of the whole. I know there is a belief about being whole, and yes, we are whole. But we are also divided into parts and pieces within the whole through our experiences.  It is an intense process to bring all of it back into balance.  Sometimes I feel that is the entire journey as a human.

Recently I was participating in a group that has the new age perspective. As I evolved out of these perspectives, I found I was more and more challenged and rejected. Their views did not bother me; I disagreed and held space. Sometimes it felt like I was speaking a language they did not understand, and I often felt energic kickback, which happens; I do not take it personally. It is a natural reaction when ideologies are being challenged, called cognitive dissonance. In these groups, it is so funny how they point to the cognitive dissonance in others but do not address their own. Within this group, I finally saw the pieces that I had been working to comprehend. In reaction to something that was said, though I was not the only one who talked about it, I was the only one who received an email message. An email that tied together years of my confusion. The email was chock-full of spiritual virtue signaling, with an attempt to shame my behaviors and perspectives. I read it and replied, finally drawing the line, that I would no longer participate in these types of exchanges by leaving the group and ending relationships with so-called friends.

The individual stated they would like to meet face to face to work out feelings. In the meeting, they assured me I misunderstood. At this moment, I blamed myself; I convinced myself that it was my PTSD.  I was authentic, vulnerable, and honest about what might have caused me to interpret their words in the manner I had. In the conversation, I recognized many biases toward me, but I believed we were working through it as if some light was shed and an epiphany was had. I left the meeting being reassured that I was loved and hoped to return. A few hours later, I got a message saying the person does not agree with; I don’t know what, “we can agree to disagree,” it wasn’t stated exactly what that was and that I am not a good fit for the group. I reread the first message that I had convinced myself I misinterpreted. I did not address the actual message when in the meeting; I found myself lost in all the perceived love and support. I gave the message to an independent non-bias party for review, to ensure I was not processing through a PTSD lens. With a bit of personal processing, I realized I had just been gaslighted! In reflection, the individual in the meeting did not take responsibility for their behavior, instead blamed me; when they felt they were back in control, they rejected me—a little narcissistic co-dependant dance, which I promptly recognized and put an end to. After analyzing the message, my unbiased second opinion stated the same thing: spiritual virtue signaling, superiority, and shaming. I reflected if I have done this to anyone else throughout my past, and I am uncertain. If you felt this from me, I am sorry. Now that it is seen, it changes everything; I am aware and choose a new behavior. Today, on the Solstice, I received a gift of further awareness and understanding. This new balanced perspective allows for my experience of a more restored whole, a recovery of the self, and the freedom to be who I am without shame.

Thankfully I have worked through my issues. Thankfully I am comfortable enough to evaluate my thoughts and behaviors openly and honestly. Look how much I have grown. A few years ago, a situation like this would have destroyed me for several days, if not weeks.  And these people within these communities do not care about the destruction they leave behind. It is so dangerous. It is unfortunate, but I know people who have attempted suicide and committed suicide because they found themselves rejected without anyone to hold a nonjudgement space for them within these groups with so-called friends who love you. They find themselves faced with this measuring stick based on spiritual superiority. They do not measure up, paired with a fear to share their honest experiences, as they might be judged as insufficient, and they will be rejected.  These acts significantly affect others and, again, are very dangerous.

In the meeting, I also had something else confirmed. It is what I experienced and later had to remedy in my behavior. Once I stopped using opioids, I started meditation and different alternative modalities. I am a very deep meditator and explore this altered state of consciousness. There are ecstatic experiences that are often had in these states. It feels terrific when we are what we perceive as outside of the body. That is why I am a master at dissociation. Since I was a child, I have used this tool while experiencing sexual abuse. This state is very similar to opioids. It helps to kill all of the pain. But just like opioids and it can become addictive. Eventually, we are disconnected from the people who unconditionally love us and find ourselves constantly judging them as if something is wrong with them, not us. We believe that this state is the ultimate state of being. When we are there, it does feel amazing. However, it is not balanced. We are spirits having a human experience in cooperation of matter. We must also tend to the physical and respect it the same. We are complex systems, and we must cultivate healthy parts and pieces so the whole may operate to efficiency and contentment.  

I leave this blog, finally putting all of the pieces I struggled with for several years together. I hope that individuals will find balance by exposing themselves to other perspectives and integrating that information. By going on deep dives, we can explore what the soul has in mind for our experiences and the ingredients needed to bring us closer to happiness that expands to the people we interact with. By recognizing the deep programs that cause our behaviors, individuals can shift their experiences to ones that positively affect us all. This exploration takes openness, honesty, and authenticity. I know it is often perceived as negative, but when you further develop, one recognizes that dark AND light are essential. It all severs the journey of the human experience. I have a gift that allows me to pull the unconscious into the conscious, to be observed and played with. This gift offers new ingredients to create a new experience. I hadn’t wanted to be a licensed counselor, but it appears that this is what I was born to do. I will not allow anyone to shame me for my gifts. I will no longer project my light onto others. It is time for us to ALL be responsible.

The question is, will you process the parts that come up to be seen, or will you choose the great escape?

Parts of the whole

Again, my guidance nudged me for days to write a blog, and now finding the time to do so. Over many years I have observed my reactions to situations and relationships. And through experiences, I have recognized how my brain is wired. Due to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I observed the heightened amygdala response; my body was always in the fight, flight, or fawn mode. In recognizing this, I sought to change my reactions, behaviors, and thus my experiences. Note I am constantly evolving, merging into the next experience. And for me, this is the journey and adventure of being human.

Living in a mindful and aware state, I am more conscious of my responses and behaviors. And I attempt to observe these behaviors free of filters of shame, blame, and guilt. When I recognize the filter, I adjust accordingly. My current neurological and the psychological state of CPTSD takes me a great deal of time to process and sort out my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors surrounding experiences. I am gentle with myself and allow the process. I take the time to process to have more profound and joyful experiences. Over time my responses naturally shift to more preferred experiences.

I have previously written about black and white dual thinking. I see many individuals who are already quite experienced in this evolution. Stress and trauma seem to be related to black and white type of thinking; it is my experience that there is a link here. My current perspective of the now is that the “this or that” of life is not accurate. I recall when I began deep meditation, which allowed me to explore altered conscious states. When I experienced what I then referred to as higher dimensional consciousness states, they contradicted what I then referred to as lower dimensional consciousness. Both perspectives exist, but my mind first wanted to make one better than the other and make one the correct perspective.  In the end, I realized they just were, both existing, none better than the other, and both accurate.

I see a lot of this dual perspective within the spiritual communities. Since 2009 I have watched videos and read articles about humans moving from their minds to hearts. As if one is better than the other. This perspective reminds me of growing up within the formal public education system. There was no fundamental knowledge of unique learning styles then. And in black and white thinking mode, if individuals did not respond to the standard teaching style, it was assumed that the person had some learning disability. But as we acquired more information and grew as a culture, we discovered that individuals all had different learning styles. It is no longer the case that we must learn one way, and we are reaping the benefits of taking more unique approaches to learning.  

Many years ago, following those teachings, I desired to live in my heart and no longer in my brain. I let go of critical thinking and logic, had no boundaries, and lived from my heart. I finally discovered living this way through many painful interactions that my preferred personal experience required both. For me, the experience of being within my heart and mind was essential. Perhaps those years of living in my heart opened something for me; maybe it was a slow progression of evolution, allowing me to experience from many perspectives. But once I began to let go of radical ideas and found balance, I began a whole new experience.

I recently heard someone use the situation of not being in her heart when she does laundry as an example. To this, I say, why not? I am in my heart and mind in everything I do. I may not like doing specific tasks, but that does not mean I am not in my heart. I love every experience, from the mundane laundry task and the confrontations that allow me the space to grow to the tasks I most enjoy. The black and white thinking is so limiting. Perhaps it’s like a pendulum swing; the older I get, the softer the swing until it finds center. Over the years, I have recognized that educating myself, exploring and integrating information, alchemizing it into wisdom has brought me closest to the experiences I prefer. At this point in my human life, I know I enjoy every second of every moment, regardless of the situation. Does enjoying something even have anything to do with being in the heart? Because being in my heart and mind is about living the best possible life. Even when I am frustrated with my children, I am in my heart. I am always doing the best I can in every moment: no regrets, I have found balance and gratitude, which feels like I am always in my heart and mind.  

Now that I can see more of the whole, I am excited to say that I don’t know anything. I am excited to be wrong; it opens the door for a whole new adventure! No longer seeking the answer, I allow the universe to guide me. It feels like I am riding along a beautiful stream, the universe the current providing me the following key to the subsequent emergence, the next bread crumb on my great adventure of this human experience. It is all simply amazing, from major surgery to breaking through cultural programs, experiencing gratification, to heartbreak.

This perspective of the now is balance, inclusivity, and the gratitude that comes with it. Ken Wilber often says, “transcend and include,” which has been my experience. Instead of rejecting things that I no longer agree with, I recognize that these ideologies exist and are; perhaps this is more about compassion, I am not sure. I transcend and include without rejection, allowing my experiences to evolve. With this, recognize the necessity of one perspective as it has provided the foundation for the next, just like my previous multidimensional perspective experience. Ideologies do not need to contradict one another; they can co-exist as a part of the whole.

We see pieces or threads and assume them to be the whole. We are dynamic, complex systems; for our human minds, we can sometimes only see parts of the whole. We often simplify systems as if our theories are truth without full knowledge of the whole. One only needs to look back throughout history to observe the evolution of our thinking and our ability to begin to take a holistic perspective. Perhaps we needed to understand the smallest pieces and parts so we can experience and understand the whole. The interconnected and what sometimes appears contradictory works together when we allow it all to have its required space. To live in the heart and the mind, they are both required.

Dig Down

Several years ago, I began the deep dive into understanding myself and my behaviors. My ability to be radically honest and authentic has dramatically impacted my experiences and observations. For many years I could not understand why I seemed to have difficulty communicating with others. Outside of a couple of people with whom I regularly interact, I am often misunderstood. So, a few years ago, I set out to understand this phenomenon.

Let’s start with this summer when two separate individuals entered my life.  They both carried characteristics that made me terribly uncomfortable. Over the years, I watched people shun others who had these characteristics, what some call “low vibrations.” I find this shunning and behavior very contradictory to the message of love and peace that so many “higher vibration individuals” demonstrate in their virtue signaling and spiritual superiority.

It was in examining the individuals whose characteristics made me uncomfortable that I finally understood what was happening. I recognized that these individuals had behaviors similar to others who had injured me in the past. It wasn’t that these people are low vibration; I did not have appropriate boundaries in which to interact. The behaviors triggered a safety issue for me, and until I could work that out, these individuals would continue to make me uncomfortable. Once I processed my fears and established healthy boundaries, my safety was no longer at risk. And this is where I found genuine and authentic acceptance. I finally saw that it isn’t others’ “low vibration”; our inability to process and understand ourselves is the issue. When we do not process our issues, others will always trigger a reaction.

Let’s look at the communication issues. As you can see, I often just lay what I am seeing, thinking, and feeling out on the table. Like pure information, I remove all shame, blame, or guilt from the information. Those (shame or guilt) are the perceptual filters through which we often interact with information. At the same time, I use emotional intelligence; I have strong empathic skills. However, I do not tiptoe around subjects. I feel that direct open communication and honesty about my thoughts and feelings are the most efficient communication methods. And this has worked; I have been married for fifteen years and continue to have the best relationship with my partner than any other I have experienced to date. He does not hear me through filters, and when he does, he checks himself as I check myself. When we hear information through a filter of insecurity, shame, blame, or guilt, it often distorts the message. Getting to the core by recognizing your filters and removing them is the key.

My filters had been “shame” instilled in me by my parents and every role model throughout my childhood. That filter of shame continued to drive me to understand what was wrong with me and why people reacted to me the way they often did, so in some way, it was beneficial.  I fully appreciate it now; there was nothing wrong with me.  These interactions were strongly motivated by the filters of which I saw the world and the filters of which others saw the world and me. When I discuss an important topic, and someone hears it through a filter of insecurity, it changes what they hear entirely. It no longer becomes about the information; it becomes distorted by the shame or guilt filter they hear the information.

Now that I recognize this, I am more confident and stand more firmly in my power. I no longer let the filters of others and the filter of shame that has plagued me my entire life manipulate me.

Often, we make assumptions about what individuals mean through our filters. Why not just ask? Our core wounds so manipulate us. Usually, we steer clear of anyone struggling to grow because they trigger what we have not resolved within ourselves. Many blame it on “low or negative energy,” and the worst is when they blame it on an outside entity or attachment. It is we who must take responsibility for our behaviors and our creations. I would not discard my children because they were not enough of this or that, measuring up to my standards, and I will not do it with others. I will hold space by processing my wounds and filters, recognizing that I create these interactions with my response.

Dig down and understand who you are, understand the why of your behaviors. Adjust to build new experiences through your behaviors while expressing the boundaries necessary with others. Check yourself and stop pointing the finger at others. If there is any “dark energy,” it is because it matches your frequency. It all comes back to you.

If you want peace and love in the world, start with the filters impacting how you see the world and others. Dig down, take responsibility for your part in creation.

Communication from the other side

Halloween, roughly drawn from the celebration of the saints and the dead, is termed all hallows eve and based even further back on the Pagan day, Samhain. It is said that the veil is the thinnest between the third dimension and the dimension of those who have passed on from having a human experience. For me, the communication from this dimension never diminishes; it is always strong. Some individuals channel art, music, and creativity; I channel ideas in the form of understanding. I have telepathic conversations with the other side.  No, I am not schizophrenic; it is a piece of me that I have finally settled.  Some are good at basketball; I am excellent at moving between and pulling information from many dimensions and putting the puzzle pieces together.  

For the past week and a half, I have been badgered about writing this blog.  I put it off because of the things that keep me busy in life.  And now, I finally sit and bring through the pertinent communications from the other side into physicality.

The brain does not bog down the other side. It serves as the interface for our experience of this reality. It has grown to process information limited to existing data stifled by unprocessed emotions and experiences that create behaviors.  We carry our personality (there are many theories on what personality is), and the human brain’s processing power no longer limits our understanding and knowledge of the complexity of the whole. That said, the human mind is not limited to the brain; ideas are available to those who would open to the unconscious. The brain and mind are deeply connected and are not separate, and yet they are. When we believe we have it figured out and close our minds, new information does not allow us to expand through the brain eliciting our expereince.  And for many of us, expansion is the name of the game.  Yes, it can be viewed as a game. Conversations from the other side compare it to a game, but that is another blog.  On the other side, there is a lack of physicality we experience here, and some of us crave the lessons and experiences gleaned in the human experience. Once here, we often get lost in the density of emotion and experience.  Additionally, the physical and emotional body changes often affect perception. Each of us is a unique perspective with a filtering lens that shifts as we shift or do not.

I realize it sounds elementary, and I assure you it is, and it is not. It all depends on the lens. Just like a child knows transportation takes us from place to place, understanding how each component of the machine works is often outside of their realm of understanding.  Here is a piece of the evolution.  During this time here within the third dimension, when enough energy is processed, allowing for the shifting of the lens (which comes in many forms and is unique to the individual), they begin to open to a multidimensional understanding and experience.  The old cartesian models become void, and individuals can see the complexity of creation within and outside the third dimension.  This expansion is quite literally the beginning of the move beyond back and white thinking or duality.  Trauma and stress often make this shift difficult. We are moving into the understanding that everything is connected more profoundly. While it was essential to use reductionism and materialism to see each piece, it is also important to tie all the pieces together, recognizing the whole.  Both are true. The lens with which we view this information can limit and expand understanding.

Old ideologies often limit us. An example is that in 1543 Copernicus began exploring the beginnings of the heliocentric theory, which states that the earth revolves around the sun.  Society was not receptive to his work, and all views until that date were based on the theory that the sun revolved around the earth. Perhaps Copernicus was an avid meditator and pulled the beginning ideas for this new model from the field of information available to us all when we are open. Many human ideologies are based on old theories that were not accurate but accepted as truth.  As truth changes, so do our theories and models. When discussing ideas with individuals, I often observe how their beliefs and truths limit them. Most of their percepts are based on old information.  Within the mainstream education system, particularly in science, it is noted that our textbooks are more than fifty years behind in sharing relevant theories. Often some powers do not want individuals to move beyond the ideas that benefit them, like in Copernicus’s time. Differing groups harness the power these ideologies provide. Within spirituality, there remains a disconnect from science which does not understand that they are the same thing.

The purpose of this communication is to initiate more profound questions. A movement within the third dimension is questioning meaning, also creating a mental health crisis. For the first time in our known history, we are being shown what makes things work, the details, or what is beneath the surface so we can open and shift accordingly.  When a child knows how the car works, he makes sure it is appropriately serviced; he doesn’t just drive it until it is undrivable and discard it. He realizes the importance of understanding how its parts and pieces all work together to make the whole.  That is the analogy for the whole of the expressions of dimensions both within physicality and without. To build something new, to move beyond the car, we must build upon the previous information and accept new ideas.

Love is the answer, and it is not. It is one piece of the whole that we can no longer bypass. Opening the mind to the unknown is the realization that we don’t know as much as we think we do and that there is a good chance we were probably wrong all along. This realization is a great start. It is about you, and it isn’t. It is this and that and so much more.

I attempt to integrate the information I receive from the multidimensionality which I experience. It continues to morph and change.  But I am open and willing to explore outside of the known. There is much information which can change our expereince if we open our mind. If we truly desire to change the world (a new world I hear so many speak of), we must be willing to make an effort to understand whats under the hood and behave accordingly. The new world will be built with knowledge moving beyond social and cultural norms and previously held ideologies. This will create new behaviors which come together for a new expereince.


Several years ago, I went on an adventure exploring past life regression.  My very first session was done in the home of a person I respected at the time.  The first past life regression took me to a large family setting on a working farm.  The life purpose projected onto me was to maintain the farm.  It was pure survival where there was no room for emotion.  My mother and father in that life were both cold and disconnected, and as children, our purpose was to work hard and please them.

I remember the feeling my higher self shared as it guided me through this experience.  There was such sadness and disappointment that as we as eternal beings enter this reality, we are shaped by survival to detach from who we are really are.  Pieces of us are disconnected in the process of living a human life out of the necessity for survival.  We forget who we are and often are programmed to be something else entirely.  The despair I felt in that regression was a critical moment, though I was lead away from it.  Through those sessions, I would discover that the person doing the regression can easily guide us away from the most critical pieces of information based on their perception and underlying agenda.

During my time playing in the spiritual community, I observed that we allow individuals to have power over others, and they often use that power to misguide them for their gain.  Somehow we put these people on pedestals believing they have information that is not available to us.  Mostly it is in those relationships that we replay the dynamic we learned as children. I am not blaming anyone; we are all similar; they have forgotten who they are and have learned survival programs just as we have. All of our behaviors are filtered through our unconscious bias.

As I drifted out of those groups and belief systems, I’d receive more and more information that allowed me to see just how we disconnect from our authenticity and sometimes journey to find our way back by conquering the programs that guided us away.  Over the years, I have gained a connection to more and more of who I am and have always been.  Beyond this human physical experience, I have had many experiences; I will always be. 

I understand the quantum possibilities. And I recognize I may be having all of these experiences simultaneously across the illusion of time and space, the information filtering through for my use as I emerge in interaction with information.  At this moment, I know I am not human, I am not my body, I am an eternal being that moves outside of this dimension having a human experience.  At the same time, I am finding and reconnecting all my parts and pieces, returning to an experience of my authenticity and also recognizing my relationship with my body and respecting her as I should have always done.  I am riding waves of experience that allow me to experience pieces of what is already whole.

This became apparent after my recent surgery and dance with cancer.  The patterns of experience are undeniable. I have watched a cycle that began in the summer of 2007 finally end this summer of 2021 with this recent surgery.  My surgery on the summer solstice I emerged connected to a more significant portion of my authentic essence and being. The cancer was no longer cancer, just a non-malignant tumor. It housed much of the pain I carried around.  Once removed, I was free from the emotional experiences which had been made manifest into my physical body.  I saw how I had trusted my intuition, and it had taken me right to where I needed to be, experiencing in the flow.  My gift for trusting myself was a whole new perspective and experience of standing in my authenticity and power. I emerged with boundaries that would no longer allow others the power over me that often resulted in my disconnection.

The message continues to ring; we mustn’t allow the perceptions and agenda of others to disconnect us from our authentic selves.  Whether it is a need to belong or be accepted, learning who you are and trusting that regardless of others results in freedom.  Fully understanding who we were before the programs and the survival thrust upon us is of the utmost importance.  Here we find an experience of wholeness and a connection to the greater part of our eternal being or, as I call it, our higher selves. It is a journey of discovery taking us closer to acceptance of our being.

I have entered a new cycle and a whole new experience.  My inner and outer critic, which were shaped through trauma, have lost their grip, and I live to the fullest.  Shame no longer pulls me from my authentic self, and I stand firm in my energy.  I am experiencing more of myself, and it is beautiful. As I follow my lead, I flow in and out of the experience with grace. As I look at everything that is in my life, I feel gratitude.  My reconnection and trust of my authentic self shaped the experience, only when I took back my power completely. And it has shaped a human experience full of love, no longer merely surviving and settling but genuinely living and thriving. 


Over the last month, I have contemplated whether to write about my current cycle of experience. In the end, I have decided to document my experiences as I have done to date.

While I have discussed the cycles, I have not gone into detail concerning the recent experience. Since the beginning of May, my perspective has shifted, and I have experienced various emotions. Every ten to fifteen years, I have a dance with cancer. During those cycles, there is a range of experiences surrounding cancer in my body.
It feels like I spent the last ten to fifteen years getting my mind in order, and since January, I have been working to take care of my body. I previously had a belief that we create these experiences, and maybe I still believe that to a degree. I find no coincidence that most of my trauma was sexual trauma and betrayal by feminine energy, and my cancer is located within my reproductive system. But I will no longer carry the shame that accompanies these belief systems. On the other hand, I will treat it exactly as it is, an experience. It does not define me and has nothing to do with who I am. These experiences only shift my perception, and I believe that is the entire game here in the earth simulation.

About a year and a half ago, I was told I had large fibroids, and I would need to have my uterus removed. At the time, I was taking an opioid medication that I had spent nearly seven years tapering myself off. The doctor told me; they would need to use that medication for pain. She also said my other symptoms were not connected to these fibroids, and it was not necessary to have this procedure. And I learned to cope with the symptoms related to this diagnosis. That is until I started paying particular attention to my body this year. The pain had increased, and exercising was limited due to the size of my uterus.

So, I returned to the doctor frustrated and ready to have my uterus removed; luckily, she retired, and I saw a new doctor, and she was much more thorough. She had me receive another sonogram to see what had changed within the year and a half. My biggest fear at that time was having surgery. It would be an open surgery cutting me hip to hip, and I feared the treatment of others due to my history with opioid medication. Even though I have not abused drugs or alcohol for more than ten plus years, I am almost always treated in a disrespectful manner because it is on my record. I have proven to myself several times over that addiction is not my issue. Those years ago, I was self-medicating undiagnosed complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Unfortunately, people make assumptions, and their actions have been painful. That is a whole other blog, and I am learning to navigate this experience more healthily.

The ultrasound did not show what the original doctor diagnosed. While the scan was clear and the fibroids measurable the first time, this scan showed my complete uterus was opaque and expanded into my stomach area, taking up my entire abdominal cavity and more. I would need an MRI to find out what was going on. The MRI was reported as uterine sarcoma, with my uterus measuring like I was in my fifth month of pregnancy. The doctor sent me to an oncologist more than an hour away from home. I really dislike being outside of my comfort zone!

I did feel fear and anger the first couple of days. The most significant worry I had was my children and husband; I worried about their state of mind. We would be going through a journey that might be very stressful at times, and I did not want to affect them negatively. I felt as though my life had been so traumatic, and the choices I have made these last fifteen years had earned me the right to have a peaceful and loving life, void of any more suffering (sometimes I do feel like a victim and that is okay). Over the next few days, my husband and I openly shared our feelings. And I observed my behavior and thought processes, eventually returning to equilibrium.

I am slated for surgery in about two weeks. The synchronicities allow me to know I am exactly where I am meant to be. The patterns are undeniable! That surgery and testing will determine what will be next in my dance with cancer. I do not fear death; I feared that the early departure and possible suffering would hurt my husband and children. And I am working through those feelings. Armed with forty-five years of information, my interaction with this experience’s information is different from the first two interactions with cancer I had earlier in my life cycle.

Everything about me and how I view the world has shifted, so let’s see how that translates to experience this time around. If I am here to have the human experience, this is undoubtedly a big part of my female experience. My perspective shifting yet again.

This experience has me deeply aware of and learning to navigate the difference between my intuition and my perceptual filters. My intuition has me at peace and, strangely, some excitement (I am getting better at shifting anxiety), and I observe as my filters are identified and fall away. The approach I take this time is to trust myself entirely, no longer concerned by the opinions and assumptions of others who have no skin in my game. I do not need to control or bypass; I am openly and authentically exploring every emotion allowing the experiences to unfold. At the end of the day, this is a ride, and I will utilize every second of the experience.

I create memories, no regrets. I live and LOVE to the fullest. Here I am pure awareness having the human experience. And I am okay with that; I am no longer searching for the escape. I have learned to ebb and flow with grace.

Personal evolution, emerging into possibility

As time passes and I interact within this reality operating through my perception, I experience and recognize patterns and have been able to make several assertions. From my perspective, my reality is shaped by interaction with information. The way I see it, humans have an emergent property where we seem to be evolving through experiences. Some themes and patterns display themselves throughout our lives. The interaction and integration of information allow us to traverse the repeated patterns from a new perspective, armed with added information between patterned events and experiences. It is at this point that we can shape our experiences and interactions with the information.
I have noticed over the years that large groups of people who have suffered trauma gravitate towards ideas that provide a sense of control or bypassing of a depth of interaction and understanding of their trauma or any triggering stressor. Through my awareness, I recognize that trauma wires the brain to operate in a particular way, shaping perception. I find a link between these individual’s perceptions shaped by stress and trauma. Understanding how my central nervous system was shaped and practicing rewiring it brings an awareness of the slightest feelings and sense of my perception. Armed with this information, I can enter situations and change my repeated patterns of experience.
For me, the journey through my reality has allowed for an understanding that changes my experiences. This awareness is a choice and requires complete honesty and authenticity. I have had to go deep into my bias and uncover the shame that shaped many of my beliefs. I was a people pleaser and desired approval. In the end, I discovered beneath those behaviors was a simple desire to be loved. It opened the door for me to recognize that in others, reminding me to be more compassionate with others. Taking a step back, I realized I had all the love I could ever desire in my husband and children. I have created a perfect bubble of reality, its foundation built on safety.
Over the last year, I have settled deeply into the authentic self, no longer apologizing for who I am and my perceptions. Although I continue to work to change my perceptions to alleviate a feeling of shame or suffering, I accept and honor who I am. Again, the principal factor for me and my relationships are authenticity and honesty. These precepts are my boundaries, and I no longer apologize for them.
My relationship with my husband represents the possibility for all other relationships. We are not threatened by one another, our belief systems are entirely different than the other, yet we are secure in who we are. I do not force my perspectives onto him; I celebrate his unique, authentic self. We communicate openly and without judgment because we know we are safe. We make no assumptions; if we have questions, we ask. We respect and love one another to a degree I rarely see in other relationships. For this, I am honored and blessed. It was my goal to have this type of relationship. It was only through interaction with information that I shaped my experience. I knew what I did not want and actively shaped the experiences I would prefer through awareness and choice.
I have come to a repetitive cycle in my life that happens every ten to fifteen years. How will I interact with the information given my accumulation and change in perception over these last ten to fifteen years? For one, I am incredibly aware of my brain patterns, and I no longer react. I explore my thought process and feelings, interacting with compassion rather than shame. This change in perspective has already shifted how I interact with information and has changed my experience. I feel safe, and for someone who carries a diagnosis and brain biology of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this is undoubtedly evolution. I see myself emerging through an evolution built on awareness and authenticity. My fears subsiding as I settle into the loving reality that I have cultivated.