Over the last month, I have contemplated whether to write about my current cycle of experience. In the end, I have decided to document my experiences as I have done to date.
While I have discussed the cycles, I have not gone into detail concerning the recent experience. Since the beginning of May, my perspective has shifted, and I have experienced various emotions. Every ten to fifteen years, I have a dance with cancer. During those cycles, there is a range of experiences surrounding cancer in my body.
It feels like I spent the last ten to fifteen years getting my mind in order, and since January, I have been working to take care of my body. I previously had a belief that we create these experiences, and maybe I still believe that to a degree. I find no coincidence that most of my trauma was sexual trauma and betrayal by feminine energy, and my cancer is located within my reproductive system. But I will no longer carry the shame that accompanies these belief systems. On the other hand, I will treat it exactly as it is, an experience. It does not define me and has nothing to do with who I am. These experiences only shift my perception, and I believe that is the entire game here in the earth simulation.
About a year and a half ago, I was told I had large fibroids, and I would need to have my uterus removed. At the time, I was taking an opioid medication that I had spent nearly seven years tapering myself off. The doctor told me; they would need to use that medication for pain. She also said my other symptoms were not connected to these fibroids, and it was not necessary to have this procedure. And I learned to cope with the symptoms related to this diagnosis. That is until I started paying particular attention to my body this year. The pain had increased, and exercising was limited due to the size of my uterus.
So, I returned to the doctor frustrated and ready to have my uterus removed; luckily, she retired, and I saw a new doctor, and she was much more thorough. She had me receive another sonogram to see what had changed within the year and a half. My biggest fear at that time was having surgery. It would be an open surgery cutting me hip to hip, and I feared the treatment of others due to my history with opioid medication. Even though I have not abused drugs or alcohol for more than ten plus years, I am almost always treated in a disrespectful manner because it is on my record. I have proven to myself several times over that addiction is not my issue. Those years ago, I was self-medicating undiagnosed complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Unfortunately, people make assumptions, and their actions have been painful. That is a whole other blog, and I am learning to navigate this experience more healthily.
The ultrasound did not show what the original doctor diagnosed. While the scan was clear and the fibroids measurable the first time, this scan showed my complete uterus was opaque and expanded into my stomach area, taking up my entire abdominal cavity and more. I would need an MRI to find out what was going on. The MRI was reported as uterine sarcoma, with my uterus measuring like I was in my fifth month of pregnancy. The doctor sent me to an oncologist more than an hour away from home. I really dislike being outside of my comfort zone!
I did feel fear and anger the first couple of days. The most significant worry I had was my children and husband; I worried about their state of mind. We would be going through a journey that might be very stressful at times, and I did not want to affect them negatively. I felt as though my life had been so traumatic, and the choices I have made these last fifteen years had earned me the right to have a peaceful and loving life, void of any more suffering (sometimes I do feel like a victim and that is okay). Over the next few days, my husband and I openly shared our feelings. And I observed my behavior and thought processes, eventually returning to equilibrium.
I am slated for surgery in about two weeks. The synchronicities allow me to know I am exactly where I am meant to be. The patterns are undeniable! That surgery and testing will determine what will be next in my dance with cancer. I do not fear death; I feared that the early departure and possible suffering would hurt my husband and children. And I am working through those feelings. Armed with forty-five years of information, my interaction with this experience’s information is different from the first two interactions with cancer I had earlier in my life cycle.
Everything about me and how I view the world has shifted, so let’s see how that translates to experience this time around. If I am here to have the human experience, this is undoubtedly a big part of my female experience. My perspective shifting yet again.
This experience has me deeply aware of and learning to navigate the difference between my intuition and my perceptual filters. My intuition has me at peace and, strangely, some excitement (I am getting better at shifting anxiety), and I observe as my filters are identified and fall away. The approach I take this time is to trust myself entirely, no longer concerned by the opinions and assumptions of others who have no skin in my game. I do not need to control or bypass; I am openly and authentically exploring every emotion allowing the experiences to unfold. At the end of the day, this is a ride, and I will utilize every second of the experience.
I create memories, no regrets. I live and LOVE to the fullest. Here I am pure awareness having the human experience. And I am okay with that; I am no longer searching for the escape. I have learned to ebb and flow with grace.