Many years ago, I had a sudden transcendental experience. This transcendental experience allowed me to see this reality from a whole new perspective. I was no longer a mother, a woman, or even a human; in one moment, all identities dissolved. And from this perspective, I felt whole and complete. I enjoyed observing the world from this space; I did not have a relationship with this reality, and the things that plague most people dissolved. From here, most human experiences were irrelevant.
I lived from this perspective for many years; it was a space that provided love and peace. The problem was I had a challenging time relating to others. My daily meditations would continually show me that it was time to return to my physical body to have a balanced human experience. While this space is blissful and love-filled, it was disconnected and disassociated space. The point was to experience the awareness, allowing me to recognize I’m so much more than all these identities took on as a human. This transcendental experience is truly an empowering moment. But to stay here is bypassing being human. AND, I am here to have a human experience.
Through that experience, I observed how humans create narratives and how we relate to them as a part of who we are. I suddenly understood cognitive dissonance and confirmation bias, how individual perception is made and how we operate. By releasing all my humanness, I was able to exit and observe the human template. This release allowed me to let go of things that kept me trapped in stories, exposing the depth of narratives that had created many of my behaviors. And with this awareness, I was shown the choice. I finally fully stepped back into my body some years later and began to balance, creating a preferred experience. My relationship with environments was forever changed, and I began to change my beliefs, shifting my human experience.
Now entirely in my body, realizing who I am from this perspective was the next part of the journey. And as the adventure continued, I let go of so much toxic shame around measuring up. Embracing my entirety and honoring all my experiences without judgment began to shift my sense of self, dissipating old belief patterns. I stopped trying to escape or heal my trauma to some standard created outside of myself, always attempting to measure up. I embraced the physical and started nurturing my body, no longer ignoring it. I learned to honor all my parts and pieces with respect and love, no longer trying to shape myself into the person who would be approved of by others. These last two years have been a journey into self-discovery and self-acceptance. And for the first time since I was a young child, I embraced who I am in its entirety. And I no longer apologize for who that is.
Over the last month, I have had a pattern show itself. There were several classes outside of my academics that presented themselves. I took lots of time processing whether these spaces for me to experience. Two people similar in energy presented a class in which I had an interest. The first class I realized I would be attending to prove something or to feel belonging. And I felt as though I was not honoring myself by participating with groups of people who did not respect or care about my wellbeing. The energy in this class was very inauthentic, but I would have gone against these instincts in order to connect with others in the past. There was no new information being presented in either of these classes; however, I continued to have a pull to participate. I convinced myself I would receive something I did not have through participation in the second class.
As the class approached, I wavered on taking the class. The behavior of the facilitator began to send me red flags. I meditated, and the message was attending the class would bring me personal and spiritual freedom. So, I participated in the class and was shown more areas of concern. I observed a pattern in myself that often occurred around this time every year. I would reach outside of myself for answers. I would lose trust in who I am during this time and reach outside to find missing pieces I did not believe I possessed. It wasn’t attending the class that gave me personal and spiritual freedom; it was knowing that the class was not for me. I experienced a moment of self-trust or confidence in who I am by recognizing that I already had everything I need. My choice and boundary facilitated personal and spiritual freedom. I ended a pattern!
In the past, I would open myself up and share myself without boundaries with others in these gatherings. Even when I was shown patterns of behavior that I knew were unhealthy, I would stick it out as if somehow my impact on these people would create some change. Often all I saw was the light in others and ignored all the messages that told me to protect myself. Suddenly I recognized the importance of boundaries and holding to who I am. The confidence I needed to trust myself was within, and I embraced it. I realized many times I miss the message, and this time I ultimately heard it and implemented action. It wasn’t information outside of me that would bring personal and spiritual freedom; it is the information I have within and the choices I would make.
For the last fifteen-plus years, I have immersed myself in information from a plethora of topics. I actively explored so many ideologies, tasted each one. Sometimes I forgot how much knowledge I have acquired along this journey. It does not surface until it is tapped.
At last, all of this information and experience has found balance; I am both spirit and human. The heart-mind balance is fully underway, and I have covered a great deal of ground. It is time for me to take my rightful place; I am no longer reaching outside. I am whole and complete, well versed in many areas of life, intellectual knowledge, and emotional understanding. I will never again look to others as if they have the answers. We are all a spectrum of experience. And FINALLY, I know my value and worth enough to have the boundaries in place that respect the energy of who I am. Finally, I have found BALANCE, fully integrating all of my parts and pieces, as above, so below. No longer dissociating but bringing the full awareness of who I am into the physical body for the ultimate human experience.