In my last blog, I shared a few significant trauma experiences that I felt shaped me. But the reality is my life was a constant traumatic situation until my thirties where it slowly shifted into more positive, healthy experiences. Everywhere I turned during my youth was surrounded with environments ripe with disfunction, which would breed more traumatic experiences. I think the worse part was that I never told anyone. I didn’t have anyone to tell. My mother was mostly dysfunctional and continues to be to this day. To find peace, I made the conscious choice to end my relationship with her years ago. And EVERY other person was abusing me on some level.
Just a simple sleepover at the girl’s house, the apartment across the way, with whom I spent most time from five to twelve, resulted in her sister sexually assaulting us nightly. From the child’s perspective, it was great, no adults. From the adult perspective, wow, it was terrible, no adults. Even the adults were so sick with the untreated trauma they could not be relied upon to protect or support the most innocent of us all. The trauma cycle is real, and it’s time to end the stigma; we must begin talking about and making changes.
As an adult, I had constantly been looking for an escape. And my behavior before the last ten years represented that. I was looking for a job, relationship, situation, and environment that would allow for my escape. I desired to live a healthy and happy life far away from my trauma. And many times, my choice was close to suicide, the ultimate escape. But over time, I discovered there is no escape, and that might be the ultimate purpose. There is no pretending it isn’t there or a part of you with the spiritual bypass. Choosing to protect yourself with escape as a workaholic or alcoholic by finding the right person or situation, none are the answer. The answer comes when we face our experience as a piece of who we are, and it is okay to be angry. It comes when we feel safe enough to share our story like I am.
I do not have many happy memories; only within the last few years have I been able to show up and experience life through a new lens. My trauma has touched every relationship I have had. And thankfully, I have a couple of people who extend to me the grace to feel and express myself without rejecting me like most of the relationships throughout my life.
The trauma had me so raw that it has created a highly sensitive person, and I have learned to be okay with that. While I am improving in these areas and gaining self-confidence, any interaction where there is resistance is like touching a third-degree burn repeatedly. Over the last two years, I have allowed myself the compassion to observe and heal. I reject the idea that I am a wounded individual and so am toxic, to stay away. Finally, I understand that has less to do with me and more to do with someone else. My vibration is not low, and we all have shadows. I am honest and authentic in every moment because I have had a lifetime of bypassing, stuffing down, and disassociating. Through my healing, I have made the promise never to be quiet ever again. None of us should be silent any longer. We cannot make the necessary changes unless we look deep into the issues and uncover what has been hidden. We are the ones who hid it in our fear. Humans are resilient as hell when we apply ourselves.
Looking at and understanding our emotions is something that has been at the forefront for years. Over the last ten years, I have played with many healing modalities. They provided a permission slip to look deeper by bringing awareness to the underlying issues. But at the end of the day, honesty and authenticity with the self were the keys. Understanding my emotions and learning to process them in a healthy way healed me in ways that eliminated the need for other healing modalities. My relationship with the self was the master template that would reflect into all other relationships. By openly exploring who I am, I healed my environment and my physical body.
If you’re reading this, thank you for providing the space for a cathartic experience. We could all use that support from time to time, and it is perfectly okay. Let’s embrace our experiences and sift through them, understanding the layers of emotion they have created. We are taking a deeper look at what we have all learned to bypass; how we feel. My goal is to change the stigma surrounding emotions and understand them for the messengers that they are. By recognizing that all emotions are a part of us, and each should be respected, not only those that feel good.
Today I will enjoy the beautiful friends and family surrounding me, celebrating my willingness to find this place through my courage to do what made others uncomfortable.
Today was my best friend Tod’s birthday. He died more than twenty years ago. I regret many things regarding our relationship. This feeling is grief, and it is okay.