The last week I have felt this feeling, like drops of water returning to the center drop, creating a mass of water as one. Again I see the fractals representative as they return to the singularity. The picture of Indra’s web resonates so deeply. The feeling I have is beyond knowing; it is that everything is connected, and like a dream or memory just out of reach, I can see it or remember but cannot make out the details. I feel as though I am on the precipice of something that will change EVERYTHING! In each interaction with individuals outside of my immediate sphere of reality, more of the connections are exposed. I feel as though I am finally awakening to experiencing my wholeness. I can say I am whole; I can say I am love, I can say and relate to many concepts, but the actual experience is happening through a web of connection and integration.
My pieces and parts are exposing themselves to be treated with compassion, to be integrated no longer through resistance but in compassion and love. A dear friend reminded me yesterday, change the narrative. Many of my shortcomings are viewed in a particular way because I have been taught or programmed to perceive them this way. First, “shortcomings?” against whose standards? And I took them on as my own. We have been taught we should not feel or behave in a particular way. Who decided what any of that is “supposed” to look like? There are NO EXPERTS! We are all a spectrum of experience.
Yesterday I had two things happen. One I had someone whom I had put above myself tell me that I should take no actions right now, except, of course, to join his weekend workshop for a certain price! And I met with a lovely group where my goal is to create a safe space to share and explore perspectives. Immediately my not-enoughness came up to show itself. After the meeting, I felt I had spoken too much and did not allow space for more sharing and insight from others. I was so excited to connect and share; it had been quite a while since I connected like that, but immediately I turned a beautiful meeting into my insecurity. With this, I stepped back and recognized the perception of others again does not equal my value. How do I even know how they perceived me? This is the created story within my mind! MY narrative! I embraced this piece and observed the connections.
Here are just a few narratives this year has taught me. Believing someone holds some experiential answer, the magic key, that they have some power or insight I can only attain through them, BULLSHIT! The belief they are more important than me or hold some sort of power I do not have access to, BULLSHIT! Or the belief that I will obtain happiness when I reach some unknown state has come forward to be dealt with yet again, I am amazing, supported, and loved as I am, and THIS brings me happiness! I am done with the old narratives of not-enoughness or measuring up; I am learning to embrace my value as I AM. You are only valuable if… THAT is a program! My way of exploring and experiencing reality may not be like yours but is uniquely and perfectly mine. For me, I learn the most in our interactions; we learn so much about ourselves if we are open to exploring here.
This morning I had these moments of feeling unimportant. Often, I will bring in ideas or concepts and shortly explore those with others. Typically, there is not much interest, or it is rejected. Within the same conversation, days, weeks, months, sometimes years later, someone presents the same ideas, often the very same words, and it is widely accepted and celebrated. Yet again, this experience brought up something I was unable to put my finger on the last few years connected to not-enoughness. I suddenly saw how I feel unimportant and where this belief is created. The connection showed itself. When my father abandoned me, and I was adopted, when he gave so much to others and gave me the leftover broken pieces, I learned I was not important. Or when my mother used me as a commodity, when I didn’t please her, she shoved me aside like yesterday’s trash. When she forcefully relayed her disappointment in me, actively attempting to hurt me. And the care I did receive all through a veil of shame. I learned I was not important unless I could provide something of value. Because just to be me was never enough, as a matter a fact, I should be ashamed of who I am, and I have no value.
Look, this isn’t about blame! I do not blame my parents; they are only doing the best they can with the information available to them. They are repeating the fucked-up programs and patterns of their parents and experiences. But FOR ME! I MUST understand this and change the narrative! I am returning to an experience I know is my truest essence in loving myself; anything else is the illusion.
I have a dear friend who grieves the loss of her daughter. Somehow somewhere, she learned it is not okay to grieve. That grief is bad. She learned not to show her grief, to distract herself; she was told you do not want to be “that counselor” who lost a child. She learned to express grief was to have something wrong with her. It is time to change the narrative! Her grief is an important part of who she is. Her grief is beautiful because it represents the love of her child. Her grief is her superpower! The narratives and experiences shape us, but what if we viewed them differently. What if they become our superpowers, not our perceived inhibitors?
I am enough; I am valuable; I am important! What narratives impact your perception of self and relationships? Let’s be responsible for the narratives we are accepting as truth and teaching our children because this is how they will eventually see the world AND themselves. And as I awaken further into myself, I see the creation and experience of an ever-connected reality. I observe and FEEL so DEEPLY the pain, and I change the narrative! This pain, I love it! It brings me closer to experiencing my wholeness as the love that I AM. Let’s change the narrative. Well, I do NOT want to tell YOU what to do, but FUCK, for me, I AM! Our beliefs and our programs, observed with an open and loving awareness, can be shifted, creating an experience like none of us has had before. Change the narrative.
~ To my dear friend, who said change the narrative, it was the piece I needed! Thank you again! Thank you for being connected!