There are fundamental teachings we receive when we are children. From in utero to seven or eight years old, we have learned a set of programs and beliefs that have established a template for our behaviors. For many of us, our experiences repeat patterns that are directly related to those years and learned behaviors. One of the most detrimental behaviors I learned was to be perfect in the eyes of others. I strived to give everyone what they expected and desired from me. I never knew who I was, and I lived according to the ideals and approval of others. At the very same time, I embody an energy that is a disrupter. Coming into my presence cuts through the false facade. My energy brings to the surface that which everyone has been avoiding. I do not even have to do or say anything, I can walk into a room of people, and my energy awakens them. In a world where we are disconnected living a lie, this is not welcome energy. Many would prefer to go about their lives living the illusion. As is typical, there is a reactive response that wants to attack that it does not understand. Most would prefer to go back to sleep and return to the happy normal, even if it isn’t happy, it is what they know. There is comfort there and bring discomfort in the form of change. My experiences with the reactions of those affected by my energy further detached me from my authenticity, and I became a master at disassociation. The result of my energy reinforced my fear of rejection and not-enoughness until I finally understood it and shifted my entire experience.
While I have spent the last fifteen years unlearning all the programs of who the world thought I should be, it has only been the last couple of years that I discovered who I actually am. And while I had healed and integrated much of my trauma, the main pattern of rejection and not-enough-ness remained; I could not seem to get to this core program. It was only through walking away from all the expectations of others, regardless of their perception, pulling all my energy into myself, and taking that energy applying it only to love and trust of self that I finally broke the main pattern of this programming. I often feel the kickback of my energy and see where my communication and perception of others do not align, but I have let go of any responsibility. We all experience reality through a perceptual filter, and I am not responsible for the perceptions of others. My people-pleasing and need for acceptance often had me carrying that responsibility. Releasing it has freed me to explore beyond the confines of what is deemed socially acceptable, allowing me to stand firm in who I Am.
There are a few things I am responsible for in this reality, and measuring up to the expectation of the social construct is no longer one of them. However, I am responsible for my creations, and that means my children who are a reflection of me with my pieces and parts. I take responsibility for the core programs that I instilled within them. Over the last couple of weeks, I see an integration of energy ramping up yet again. Anything that carries strong emotion is ready to be processed and alchemized. I realize the choices I have made in my life were the best choice with the information I had. With this realization, I have let go of most shame and guilt. However, there is a layer that I have not integrated to date.
When I was raising my middle son, who is now 22 years old, I was in my break down of the identity stage. The first few years were not an aware breakdown, and I often chose dissociative behaviors to cope. During my son’s programmed years, I and those surrounding me often conveyed the message that he was not enough and that he did not measure up. The constant conversation was how amazing he was at this or that, BUT if he would only change these other undesirable behaviors. His need to have the last word, I can’t imagine where he learned that 😉 or his need to belong, that sounds familiar. He surrounded himself with those who also had behaviors that were escapist and disconnected based on their underlying pain and needed to just feel okay in their bodies, coping to survive. I recognize all these behaviors he learned from me. He is a perfect reflection. But society doesn’t look at what has happened, or the story; it only has a desire to judge, and I allowed it. I didn’t know any better. At that time, I did not understand the programs. I was not educated about how society and its programs operated; I still believed the systems in place had our best interest in mind. And I was still trying to escape because I could not quite ever measure up!
When two very dysfunctional people entered our lives, we experienced a pivotal moment. The result was I did not trust my son. It was his word against and adult and this adult’s child. When I was supposed to protect my child and support him, I did not, and this one action was the pivotal moment in his life. My son reacted by what appeared to be a breakdown, but this was an attempt to communicate with me. The hospital recommended that he be put into a psychiatric facility HE WAS 11 years old. Once in this facility, I was given a plethora of diagnoses. Mind you; AGAIN, he was 11 years old. I was told he was schizophrenic with a personality disorder and bipolar. Even when my intuition told me to bring him home and the absurdity of these diagnoses, I went against my feelings, and he remained. After thirty days, he was in aftercare on a myriad of medications and would return home.
After being home for a month, I removed him from all medications, but the choice I made to protect him and listen to the “experts” ended up being the trauma that shattered him. This choice taught my son that those who would protect him and have his back do not. His behaviors would be centered around never being enough, and his fear of betrayal. I repeated the same choice as my mother, trusting against my intuition, and doing what was easiest by giving my power away. I experience so much shame around this experience. I seemed to have left it last to be processed and integrated. It wasn’t my sexual trauma that carried the most shame; it was being an adult and not following my intuition, not protecting my child, and repeating the generational cycle.
However, I am a cycle breaker. I reached out to assist my son by talking about something we both had avoided. To express to him how amazing he is and take responsibility for where the program was created, leading to his belief that he is not enough. I take complete responsibility for what my fears and choices have created within him. When I extend love to him, I feel his constriction. I recognize it because I too used to feel it. It occurs in the chest, the energy there is stuck, the pressure feels as if you will explode. My son had learned, just as I had, to disassociate, to stuff down, or disconnect from emotion. And just as I experienced, there is a need for this energy to flow. It will not flow until he moves into his body and begins to feel without judgment. I know this because I have experienced it, and more of humanity is about to or is going through this integration on some level. That is why there is a sudden uptick of old relationships entering our lives in reality and dream time.
The system has created an illusion describing what is normal and expected when there is no such thing as normal, and expectations are just another manipulation through judgment. We are comparing ourselves to something that is a lie. We are a result of a spectrum of experience—some of us holding onto and integrating and some dissociating. Instead of accepting responsibility for our parts or learning healthy ways to cope, we contribute to the problem by believing the illusion. It isn’t anyone’s fault; we made the best choice at the time. But now that we are awake, here is where we are responsible. We are each responsible for shifting the programs that have resulted in these behaviors creating realities we do not desire. The only way to do this is within relationships, not avoiding them.
It is time to stop pointing the finger at others. To step up and be responsible for each of our behaviors. Not only the surface behavior but understanding the programs that created the behaviors and our perceptions by exploring without blame, shame, and guilt, empowering one another through compassion. Not to use our wounds as weapons, but to treat one another with compassion and love. No more pathologizing and pill-taking; let’s explore the story and end the prison of labels. What happened? Let’s explore the layers, not just focus on the resulted behaviors.
Does it excuse our actions? No. But it allows us to see below the surface into the program to make changes in the code. My codes lent to create the same codes in my children, and only through radical authenticity and honesty will I break these programs. With compassion for our learned behaviors, not judging them, we can openly explore and shift. Today I celebrate the beauty of my children and focus on cultivating the best version of them and me possible. Not to measure up to the social constructs of society, but so we can feel and experience who we are beneath the dust, no longer a prisoner within our minds and programs of not-enough-ness. I am teaching them to allow their emotions to flow, to process, and to integrate. A generation who knows how to do these things will be the change we desire to see in the world. But it begins with us!
I recently read a document; I shared it in a blog a few days ago. It triggered me to see what is happening in this reality. Moses took so long taking his people through the desert, and during this time, hundreds of thousands who had a slave mentality died. They were replaced by using the procreation of new generations with a new program and mentality. History is repeating itself, as it always does in the cycle of this reality. We are creating the new program through us and the next generations. We are changing the perception of the power dynamic, returning to harnessing our power. We are creating, just as Moses did, the age of sovereignty and empowerment. We do not have to agree to the illusion. We are creating from within, so it is time to be responsible for your part in creation.
“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
― Alexander Den Heijer