I am a deep diver. I always have been an explorer. I want to understand my behavior, why my mind operates the way it does. I want to discover each program running that does not allow my growth. Let’s look here, let’s look over here, and under here! I love the adventure. For me, it doesn’t bring blame, shame, or guilt to the surface. I flow in the excitement of it all. I recognize my open awareness and self-compassion blow down the doors for creating new experiences. I have been living this way for ten years, and wow, have I discovered so much!
Many years ago, my son was jumped and shot five times; I maintained with a deep knowing that everything would be okay, whether he survived and continued in this life or not. This experience taught me what true unconditional love is. I have had so much trauma in my life, and I continued to transcend it. I have had others say I do not deal with my emotions. This perception is not accurate; I am radically authentic in every moment. There is nothing I do not look at or explore. I know who I AM, and that has been my anchor in how I process stress. I do not fear death; I do not fear experience. I do not judge any of it; it just is. When emotions arise, I feel them, listen to them, and allow them to move through me. They are my messengers.
In the last few days, my adventures in research have taken me to Ken Wilber’s Integral Theory and Integral Zen. I am a taster of all modalities. I allow the universe to lead, enjoying the flow into new experience and information and trusting my higher aspects to take me exactly where I need to go. Wilber’s theory demonstrates something I have realized within myself and have observed in others. I can have these transcendence states of consciousness, but without emotional, cognitive, and social development into higher tiers, this awareness is not expressed in my everyday life the way I would like it to be. It does not assist me in the ways I would like. And it does not create the experiences I desire. There is an amount of emotional maturity that is necessary to realize oneself and healthily alchemize energy so it can be reflected in the collective through my relationships and actions.
It has taken me much growth in emotional development these last years to create healthy relationships and experiences I desired. It dawned on me last summer when dealing with people who had egocentric, narcissistic behaviors. I asked myself if I behaved in this way. And in some ways, I did; the experiences reflected my shadow. I learned these behaviors from my mother and was previously not open or ready to see the reflection of this shadow in others. I may have projected it onto others until finally, I saw it was me too. But my willingness to explore without shame opened the door to discovering these learned behaviors. This last year I worked to change this neurological wiring of habits in my biology, those programs since birth, and due to CPTSD And I have been successful in changing the responses, thoughts, ideas, and beliefs that caused behaviors. I do not fear my shadow! Facing it, understanding it, and alchemizing the energy brings great freedom creating new experiences.
Yesterday’s blog, I wrote of all the craziness of the last few months and the flood we experienced as I wrote the blog. Even the blog yesterday did not post properly; the picture was not the correct one; the wording was not what was saved. We found out we need to have our basement dug up and new pipes installed. Even in this stress, I laugh. I choose laughter, I choose love, and I choose compassion. I know it all is perfect, and each experience is showing me something. This experience in the last few months has shown me just how much I have changed and grown. It reminded me of the reality I have created, and the relationships I am surrounded by that provide a support system I once only dreamed was possible.
Every day I have so much to be grateful for, from my beautiful children and husband, friends, and family to the resources that are available for me. Most importantly, I am grateful to have the authenticity and passion for the exploration of the self. This gift and superpower change everything! I am resilient as fuck and brave as hell! Whether it is in the face of my undesired programmed behaviors and shadows, the pain the choice’s others make, or a flooded basement and broken-down truck, I still prevail. I celebrate in the love of the experience. When I move beyond this incarnation, these will be the very things I will desire! The experience and the adventure of creating the reality I desire! Ebbing and flowing in the changes of energy within this reality.
Change is constant, and today is a new day! I have learned to laugh and love EVERY NOW MOMENT!