Yesterday’s blog was about a cycle I observe is repeating in my life. I want to go further into this cycle and what it represents in my life. I have come to observe and experience a flow in my life that is so synchronistic and perfect, each moment taking exactly where I need to be. It is only through awareness that I recognize it, and it is only through fearless action that I traverse the path.
I view time and the cycles I experience within as a spiral. The situations will sometimes repeat but from a higher perspective on this spiral. The events are always connected and symbolic of one another, ensuring I do not miss the message. Again, I have only achieved this viewpoint through years of conscious awareness, which have allowed me to open my mind to perspectives not previously present.
In 2011 the choices present appeared to be guiding me towards empowerment. On the spiral, this manifested with me voluntarily entering a medication-assisted outpatient treatment center for what society has labeled as an unacceptable addiction. I say unacceptable addiction because many of those within society have addictions as a means of escape. However, only a few are deemed unacceptable because of the consequences that society has created for them. The belief structure here is very inverted, and what has deemed acceptable and safe addictions are typically unhealthier and kill more people than those illegal and labeled as unsafe. Furthermore, there is a huge piece of the puzzle most seem to be missing, and this is where I focus.
The larger populace views the surface and the symptoms as the objective truth that needs to be addressed in almost every structure within society. They fail to look into the depth of things, inquiring what the causal factor is? Addiction is not the cause; addiction provides relief from something else, the deeper issue. This practice goes beyond addiction; I see it across the board in most structures. There is a treatment of symptoms and rarely a question of how this was created.
There is a “power over others” framework in which these structures exist. If these structures were to work to solve the causes of any problem, it would create equals amongst society, and in my most conspiracy truther voice, I say, there ARE those who do not want this. There is a system in place that ensures the sick remain sick, and the poor remain poor. These systems were not created to get to the root cause. And this was my experience with medication-assisted treatment.
I jumped through the hoops so I would not have a need to travel there daily for this “medicine;” in an effort for complete transparency, it was Methadone. I voluntarily entered this program; it was my first treatment program; I had never sought help prior. I was chemically dependant on the opioids and had made several attempts to wean myself off, but could not handle the withdrawal symptoms. Suboxone was not covered by insurance at the time and was a new drug of which was out of my reach. I have never been arrested or ever been in trouble with the law and was disease-free. I take that back, a parking ticket in 1997. I did not fit the stereotypes. And over time, I was to observe many more who would enter those doors, which also did not fit the stereotype but would become a worse off due to their interactions within those walls.
I accumulated what is termed take homes as quickly as possible. Through my experience within this facility, I realized the sick were treating the sick. The level of dysfunction within these frameworks is unbelievable. Often counselors have caseloads that are too overwhelming, working long hours with little pay. They call it compassion fatigue, but what it really represents the inability for self-care. The psychosis within the staff was completely unacceptable. Compassion fatigue is the state of most of the counselors within this structure. The very trauma that addiction was providing relief from was perpetrated onto individuals time and time again. The counselors do not actually counsel and work to address the underlying issues but are providing case management services of which will not and cannot be maintained due to the actual underlying issues of clients. Again, keeping people sick!
Luckily, I had a counselor who opened her mind. I did not follow the program. I went to meetings and barred through the requirements of which only resulted in more disfunction until it was I who brought the possibility of healing to her. I worked tirelessly over those years that I remained, exploring different modalities and perspectives. Like a buffet of healing, I jumped in and tasted everything. My conversations with her were eventually moving beyond the pain of my experiences into the understanding of this realm of creation and the possibilities. We explored reality and opened our minds together. I challenged her beliefs; at first, she rejected it, projecting her insecurities onto me, but then she allowed it. And through that exploration, she healed just as I did.
Only one thing left to do to get off this DRUG! And it would take me an additional four years to do that. Yes, the cure is worse than the drug I had taken the four years prior that brought me to this place. I was in this program for eight years! I was ALWAYS in compliance and had clean monthly drug screens every month of the eight years I was there from the beginning. However, every time I entered this building, I was treated like it was my first time, with disgust and discrimination. Only my counselor treated me with dignity and respect. And when she left, I followed her. Yet it would take me another whole year to wean my body off this medication. And there were MANY side effects of which NO ONE would discuss. The avoidance was a spectacular show of ignorance, meaning ignoring truth!
I can happily report I no longer take this medication and was able to successfully wean MYSELF off. This experience taught me so much about self-trust and empowerment. Even when the system is stacked against you, we can prevail if this is what we desire. I recognize I was put into these situations that created experiences allowing for healing and growth. BUT only because I was hungry for it!
When my basement flooded the first time, I was in my first year at this program. It flooded the entire basement with sewage. We had to call a company to come out to clean up, repair, and replace everything, all claimed on our insurance. We promptly got kicked off of that insurance once the claim was complete. This time the basement flooded with sewage; it only covered a small section. My husband was able to fix it, and we did the cleanup. Of course, we will have a company come out and fix the pipe AGAIN, and probably have some flooring replaced. But WE did it! We cleaned up the sewage. This feels so very connected to me going to a treatment facility those years ago and giving my power away. The sewage came up to be purged, and albeit a lot less has come to the surface this time, another purge has begun. Within this cycle, I am empowered and free, creating new experiences and perspectives on the spiral of time.
I recognize that through my experience with addiction, I discovered myself and my power. This is what I mean by the path taking me exactly where I need to be and go. I am still learning to celebrate all experience in this game. What I resist persists, and for me, this game is about transcending these states of illusion. As that cycle of empowerment closed, a new cycle of empowerment has begun! Just like those eight years, this next spiral of change will require ACTION! And I rise to the challenge! I love the spiral of time. What a RIDE!