Something interesting has come into my awareness. While over the years, I have recognized the smaller cycles within the year. These last two weeks, I recognized a larger cycle has ended, and a new began. The smaller cycles happen year after year. The cycles appear seasonally. For instance, I seem to gravitate towards certain information and beliefs during the summer months leading into the winter. I will typically pull away from certain teachings and practices in midsummer, leading into fall with a feeling of retreat. In the fall, I will go within and work on myself from a new perspective. This new perspective carries on to late January, where I will finalize whatever new idea or concept that needs to occur within myself. Early spring, I take that concept to experience practicing and use the remainder of spring till summer to live this fully in knowing. Then the cycle repeats.
Again, it goes from a deep grounding created by experience in the summer. Then leads to an understanding and change in perspective, which results in a new choice in action creating new experiences or new perspectives of repeating smaller cycles. I have been seeing this clearly for the last five or so years.
While I am aware these cycles exist, one only needs to look at history, through archeology or geology, I perceive them differently more recently. I can feel the “game” of the cycles. They appear as levels of perspective and experience that change in a cyclical pattern.
In the last two weeks, I have been experiencing the beginning of a cycle that began late 2011 early 2012. There have been so many changes in my life since 2012. In 2012 it started with a flood in my basement, which just happened again two weeks ago. At the same time, I changed some of my larger habits voluntarily and proactively, not as a result of a reaction. And in 2012, I did the very same thing. The sewage came up to be purged in 2012, and in 2020 the same thing has occurred. In my sphere of reality, as a reflection of my internal being, I am experiencing a release, and with it, the birth of a new experience.
Last year, I felt this extreme need to pull away from spiritual communities. There is such deep judgment, avoidance, and what I seemed to recognize most, the projection within these communities. I am not saying it is wrong; it is what is right for them at the time. However, what you observe in another is a reflection of yourself. My frustration with the dark and light polarity, the dualistic nature we are choosing to endorse paired with the inability to have an open discussion with communication without assumption, gave me haste. Perhaps at the time, I could not communicate clearly, and with the information I needed. These feelings prompted me to start back to school to finish my BA in Psychology. And in the cycle have exposed themselves again.
Deciding to end working with individuals unless called to do so, I shut down my website and ended my social media presence last year. I felt pulled in a differing direction. The new direction was one that has been frowned on and is not acceptable within the many spiritual circles. However, in wholeness, it is an important area. The shadow is just as important as the light. I do not view the shadow in judgment; I love the shadow. The shadow is as much a part of the source as the light. I have been feeling compelled to explore it and move into neutrality loving all its parts and pieces. Some within the spiritual communities typically do not want to discuss certain topics, making statements about focus. Again, that is fine for them; perhaps they are not ready, or it isn’t a part of their chosen path to experience. But, for ME, and perception and experience of wholeness, I must explore without judgment, with compassion, and without fear, my wholeness recognizing we are one. Because if you see the fractal patterns of the universe, what is expressed in another is expressed in you also.
The cycle of exposing me to the light in pure awareness really began in 2012. I moved into complete unconditional love and acceptance, but only through the guise of what was deemed acceptable to those in the judgment of the dark. I have been thrust into a deeper understanding of something new that I may not have been able to explore had I not understood my truest essence. Perhaps I will explore and experience without getting lost this time. Even then, I know I always find my way back as the path redirects. Like my friend says, “We can NOT FUCK it up!” It is about the journey in experience, remembering who you are.
Next year I will graduate and have been questioning what I will do next. My Masters or Ph.D., and what area do I wish to focus on? I am feeling pulled toward a Ph.D. in depth psychology but have no idea how I would apply this degree. The cycles showed me why the small self would choose to return to school and showed me why the larger self, brought me to this place. I know my journey is about blazing a new path; it always has been. I come to show people there is another way.
Perhaps in another blog, I will have the courage to share some of my experiences in this area. I still fear judgment and rejection in a small way but am releasing the last fragments of this belief. Maybe the next path or what I will do has not been created yet. I may be creating another modality. This new creation has appeared to me over the years since 2012. It certainly is NOT mainstream psychology or evidence-based practice! I have finally released the feeling I had to conform to these ideas.
The need and desire to focus on wholeness continues to arise. Over this last year, I have observed the illusion of this separation within perception. Slowly an integration has occurred that has allowed me to experience and perceive more of our wholeness. It feels as though to do this, I must revisit some old ideas but from the perspective of the shadow. From 2012 until early 2020, I have explored and only focused on the light. But just as I loved and hugged my demon in 2012 and it turned into me and the energy of source, I will love and do the same with what is presented to me in other shadow expressions.
I see a deep need to integrate the shadows through love and compassion bubbling within me. Again, my programmed state wants to push this away in embarrassment or fear of judgment and rejection by others. But my larger aspect says even if it is solitary, the return to the experience of wholeness cannot be completed unless I love all the parts and pieces, and that includes the dark aspects as well. In the end, the dark is as much a part of the source and the whole as the light it is. It was the bastardization and judgment of the dark aspects that turned it into something it is not, always only our perception, just like my demon.
We took the dark feelings and expressions and created something else through labels and teachings. In this belief, we created more separation. I continue to feel this call towards integration, releasing the perceptions of separation and embracing our wholeness. That includes all our parts and pieces perceived in love. And so, I begin my cycle into the dark, now armed with the LOVE that I AM!