Two realizations propelled me into healing and shifting my reality. Once I was awakened, and I realized I was not the body but that I had a relationship with the body as the expression I experienced through, like driving and caring for a car that I built and maintained. And the awareness that I was not the story, but the author of the story I was experiencing. These two were game-changers.
I would spend the next thirteen years healing through layers and shifting my reality with compassion for the self, beginning with finding the gift. When I realized that I was the author of the story, I had a revelation. I began to see all that I had created and experienced was for my growth and expansion. However, the real work was diligently recognizing the behaviors, the ideas, and the beliefs that the experiences had created. These had created neurology within my biology that would need to be rewired, creating new pathways of biology to experience through.
I think of this as the template, code, or frequency in place that allows for the creation of the next experience. The core template or frequency in place had become the lens with which I viewed the world; it had created a complex PTSD dynamic. Even when I let go and focused on healing the past through forgiveness of others and, most importantly, myself. My body and neurology continued to be in a hyper-aware and defensive state. Every experience, both physical and emotional, was perceived as an attack. And because I was so self-aware, I further experienced what became a frequency of shame because I could not get my mind or body to change following my aware state of being. This perception is quite literally the programmed template that had been allowed to play for more than thirty years—the program of not-enough-ness. The core frequency I came into this matrix to integrate and expand beyond.
The traumas I experienced, the relationships I traversed through the spiritual communities, and my mind where all in the frequency of performance and measuring up, the great comparison and contrast game. These ideas are built on core programs of dark being bad and light being good. And as humans, it is a social and sometimes cultural sin to love the dark. But loving the dark would be my savior and open the door to understanding the illusion.
I will never forget one of the first meditations with a dark aspect. I lived with it since childhood, this being that would show up and terrorize me. I finally faced this demon, and yes, it looked like what the church had taught me was a demon, but instead of fear, I hugged it. I loved it, and it transformed into me and became love. That was my first hint. Yet it took another thirteen years to realize the program of dark versus light and the illusion of duality.
Loving and embracing my darkness even in the constant face of the rejection of others was exactly what I needed to do to heal and change my frequency to one that would author a story I preferred and enjoyed. And like Russian dolls, I observed the same energies of my particular beliefs being expressed through different situations allowing me to see the choice. The choice was empowerment. No one makes us feel anything, and we are not victims. For me, the most important rewiring of the template would be about the reactions and perceptions of others. Those that would tell me I was doing everything wrong, or I was bad or should be ashamed. The disapproval of those I felt knew more than I. Their perceptions were so important to me. And I took those perceptions pulling them into myself somehow manipulating who I thought myself to be through them.
I internalized all reactions and perceptions of others. Through accommodating others, either making them happy or fitting into their approval, I had found safety. Though it was a survival mechanism, I suddenly awakened to this behavior. I had known this a personality trait, which I labeled the chameleon. In my awareness of what was happening to create the chameleon, I rejected it. I wanted to expel it; it was not allowing me to be who I am. A sudden awareness that I had detached from my authentic self was now apparent through this behavior. In this realization, I began resisting this behavior and pulled all of the energy back into myself with the sole purpose of finding my authentic core frequency. I sought to return to the frequency that I entered this matrix with, the one that I had observed only slight fragments of in the 3D but had experienced much more of within multidimensional states of being through meditation. In doing this, I discovered that the chameleon was my superpower and an essential part of me; it was the judgment that created this resistance, and once again, perspective was key.
It was only through changing my perspective and awareness through the multidimensional state that I began to see the importance of loving all my parts and pieces. I had to love my chameleon nature, no longer resist it. And the more I loved my self without judgment, the more I found my core frequency and reattached to the authentic self. I learned how to love all my experiences, even those society and culture had trained me to judge as “bad,” my depression, my anxiety, my senses of not-enough-ness. Now having self-love and compassion for these energies and behaviors, they changed and became integrated dissolving a layer of illusion and creating what I experienced as healing.
It did not happen overnight. I did not say I am done healing now, and I am not sure if that will ever happen. Maybe the word healing should change to integration. This is a constantly evolving change in perspective and experience. But the one thing I can say is the judgment of it; the duality of the good versus the bad is the deepest of all illusions. We are experiencing fragmentation, but we are NOT fragmented. The game within this matrix is to recognize this truth and embrace the illusion of our parts and pieces with love and compassion, allowing the veils of separation to dissipate through choice and action in love.
Armed with this knowledge and heartfelt intuition, I evolve.
To be continued…