I had my first child at fifteen years old. And after a couple of marriages and a couple more children, I had my last child at almost forty. I am happy to report the last marriage stuck, we have been together for almost fifteen years and have several beautiful children together (not that this matters at all, you will see my point soon). I view this as the many toads I had to kiss to find my prince; that is how I justified my choices and experiences until this last couple of years. But really, the journey all along was about finding the person who allowed me to become the best version of me. Hell, I had no idea who I even was when we met, and neither did he. We discovered who we were together. And by learning to love the person that each of us had realized as self, a natural result was the love of one another.
Time and time again, I see the results of the reflection. From the inside, my reality is created, and as a result, my sphere of reality is a reflection. As conscious as I am, I remain unconscious. I have biases; I do not know what those biases are, because they are unconscious. But what I AM is open. I am open to exploring the perspectives of others. I am open to discovering what lies beneath my conscious states. I seek to discover more of my unconscious, my goal, and what feels like a primal instinct is to break the gate of consciousness. When we are truly open is when we can achieve the greatest expansion, and I LOVE and PREFER EXPANSION. It is getting to know and experience more of MYSELF on MANY LEVELS of EXPRESSION.
I do not want to sit and discuss anything with someone who wants to “teach” or “school” me, I have had enough of that to last several lifetimes. I desire to see individuals share their perspectives without judgment of one another. Without assumptions, judgment, and comparison, I wish to explore one another. TO COMMUNICATE, openly, honestly, and with integrity! An open inquiry and sharing about each of our experiences shared and received with compassion. This experience is my desire.
See, it is through the awareness and recognition that each of us is experiencing our own truth and reality that we really grow. My friend says it’s like we are rough diamonds, rubbing and shining one another in relationships. The experiences shine us into the diamonds that we are when we allow for it with openness. We do not shine when we tell others how to live.
Over the past few years, I have really seen shame used as a weapon. A weapon used to influence us all. This is learned behavior we have passed down generationally. It begins with shaming our children for not measure up to our standards. It is used to alter behaviors towards those that are “acceptable.” For me, I have just finally begun to break free of shame. Shame has manifested itself in my body over time. I did not like the way shame felt, and so resisted it. Finally, I had a conversation with my shame, and the most unanticipated response came back from shame. My shame told me that it was here to protect me. Imagine that, something I had resisted was only trying to protect me. My shame continued to tell me that if she could allow me to feel shame, I would not take risks. I would make choices that kept me “safe.” Safe within the confines of what she had learned was acceptable. The experiences where people said, “good job, you are doing great!” Because if I pleased others, I was safe!
My shame partnered with anxiety, which to has been manifested into my body. The two are codependent, each feeding off the other. Anxiety had the same desire to keep me safe. If I were perfect for what everyone expected from me, which was of my perception, I would be free of anxiety. I also resisted anxiety, and the more I resisted, the more it persisted. Suddenly, I saw how shame and anxiety were thriving to keep me from the disappointment and hurt I had experienced from my relationships and environments. And with that one awareness, my unconscious becoming conscious EVERYTHING SHIFTED! Instead of resisting my shame and anxiety, I gave them compassion and love. I thanked them for keeping me safe in their own ways. With that love, they changed, shame and anxiety moved back into the wholeness of who I AM. The separateness that shame and anxiety created dissipated, and I began to experience myself in a new way.
Guess how this awareness and openness to explore my shame happened? It was from what I had labeled as a “bad relationship.” In interactions with someone who I observed using people’s and eventually my wounds and shame to discredit. I NEEDED that interaction to discover more of who I was! My interactions showed me how to heal! Hell, they introduced me to my SHAME and ANXIETY! So, thank you, you gave me such a gift! In our disfunction and wounds, we rub each other to shine.
Through alchemizing my shame and anxiety through love and compassion, I have begun to heal my physical body. All the shame and anxiety to measure up to the perceived standards of the world outside had manifested thyroid and uterine issues. Rather than surgery, I knew I had created these manifestations, and so I could uncreate them. AND that is exactly what I have done and continue to do.
I see and realize the link—the link between our beliefs and the manifestations in our bodies. Our judgments and comparisons, our resistance rather than love, compassion, and acceptance are what is causing our unhealthy states of being. When we open to possibility, exploring beyond the known, listening with an open mind to the perspectives and experiences of others, we have an opportunity to shine. How else will we expand? We are here to experience one another, finally realizing we are one and the source. We are the ocean in the drop and the ocean. Let’s make waves TOGETHER, otherwise, we are just standing stagnant water. Let’s rub each other and shine; we ARE DIAMONDS!