This last week has been about checking in with myself, seeing, understanding, and becoming consciously aware of my agreements. Everything we experience is a choice; our reaction is the choice and the energy that sets up the next experience. It is in our response to the experience that creates the reality, our choices are energy, and this reality operates as such. What we agree to allow into our bodies or what we agree to allow ourselves to participate in, to feel or not, or to accept or not are all a choice. For me, because I abandoned myself and became the chameleon, because I had learned to see all perspectives to create a pleasing of others as a survival mechanism, choosing what I agree to have proven quite difficult. This journey that took a significant shift on Christmas day has been about discovering who I am and learning to love that.
As a child, when my authenticity conflicted with my surroundings, I learn to detach from my true self as a means of survival. I quickly learned it was dangerous to be me, and I must adapt to survive in this world. These last ten years have been about discovering and reattaching to my authenticity. Experience after experience shows me more about who I am and how being in my authenticity really looks and feels.
I recently found myself in this place between worlds. One foot in the old reality where I say, “I can live with this” and another in a new reality where I am living my bliss, where there is no settling, where love is just common sense. This space carries emotional maturity and clear, loving communication amongst all its inhabitants. Currently, I am in between, sometimes vacillating between the two. As I make new agreements and face my fears, the emotions that I had shoved down for a lifetime possibly more come to the surface to be reconciled. I wrestled with allowing myself to feel; I learned that expressing my feelings were dangerous. I learned that to be me, meant suffering. Even as recently as this last summer, when I allowed myself to explore and I trusted to share my experience and my feelings, I was again betrayed by the judgment of others and their attempts to shame me so they could feel better about themselves. I see the continued effort to create a reality, one where they have the illusion of safety. But my authentic self will not allow this agreement of pain that continues to generate fear any longer. So, I open to share and bond once more.
For the last five years, my health and my body have moved towards a direction I’d like to say I did not agree to- but that is not the case. I did make these agreements when I continued to put things into my body, even when my body told me no more. When my body showed me a balanced relationship with the elemental self, I chose to drown her in wheat and grains, even when she responded with headaches and other allergy symptoms. I ignored her because I needed to feel safe at the moment, and the hormones released provided an immediate sense of calm. In relationships, I continued to put myself in stressful situations that did not resonate, but I made this choice validating the illusion it was for the sake of others and put them above my own needs. I learned to be safe; I MUST give to others; I must make THEM happy. To be valuable, I must fulfill the needs of others. I had become the ultimate living martyr. I remained in groups and participated in programs because the fear of abandonment and my need to belong rang louder than my authenticity. These are all agreements.
When I choose something else, creating new agreements, I see my new reality in the making and get a little taste of my life there. As I take my power back, I begin to spend more time in the new reality and less time in the old. Occasionally, I find myself stuck in the middle deciding what I will and will not agree to in this now. I am learning to let go of this old world I used to call home and relax into matching by choice to the new.
As my anger and feelings of helplessness express themselves, I can look more in-depth than I ever have. I understand the deep pain of many lifetimes. I see it as it pulses beneath the surface like an infected wound that has exposed itself ready to be cleaned so it may finally heal. I allow myself to feel, because until now, expressing my feelings led to judgment, betrayal, and abandonment. My fear of those things has kept me paralyzed and detached from my authenticity. Today, I allow myself to feel without shame, blame, or guilt. I validate my feelings and caress them, constantly reminding myself it is okay to feel even if it is a negative feeling. I have discovered what I dislike, so I may recognize and choose what I do prefer. No longer having a fear of rejection or a need to survive because I am now an adult, I embrace my authenticity and let go of what no longer serves me. I have found me. Welcome to the human experience Charolette. Your experiences here are based on your agreements. Agree to love you, no matter what it looks like, and who supports it. You are always SAFE!