This week school reconvened. Not just for my little ones but me. Getting back into the swing of things has allowed me to see further into myself. It is in these moments that we see the energies below the surface. My frustrations in this now are a reflection of energy I have hidden from the world and myself from the beginning.
It is no one’s fault; we all do what we have learned to do. And early in life, I learned that I had to stuff my feelings. If I shared them, I was not safe and certainly did not get the things I needed to survive as a child. A trend continues to show itself within me. There are feelings I have stuffed, but the one that I hide the most is anger.
I never allowed myself to feel much; I just kept moving forward. That is all I knew. Moving forward was the best way to keep me above water. Stuffing my feelings became the approved approach by everyone surrounding me, my family, and society. Burying my feelings is how I have learned to cope.
These last few months have allowed me to see even deeper below the surface. A celebration resounds within me as I begin to see what was hidden within. As this anger is seen, I am allowing myself to feel it. Never liking the way anger felt I have always recoiled from it. I see how I have used it for motivation in the past, but do not know what to do with it otherwise. Recognizing just to feel allows it to flow through me. But I do not know what to do next.
My inner being tells me it isn’t about the feeling, it is the why I am feeling that I need to address. It is healthy to feel; it is understanding why we feel that remains neglected. I had shoved down these feelings and disregarded them because I did not want to face why. Or I wasn’t ready to face it. And honestly, I did not know anything else.
So begins the deep dive into why. The why with this feeling of anger is attached to not being important enough. It is attached to worthiness or being enough. Because I was not good enough, I had no right to be angry. But I do have this right. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of rights that I have previously hidden from myself by creating illusions and
This eclipse corridor from December 25th to January has allowed me to see beyond this self-created illusion. When I think back to the beginning of my adventure into this blog around Christmas, I see the message my inner being is sharing with me. It is time to expand beyond the restraints I have created for myself. I deserve respect, not only from others but from myself. I am important and enough!
My anger had built for the last forty plus years while I always dismissed it. Somewhere along the way, I learned that I was less than if I felt healthy emotions and feelings. So not only did I not allow myself to feel because I didn’t feel worthy, I believed by showing these feelings there was even more “wrong” with me. The spiritual community would undoubtedly frown on feeling any “negative” emotion or feeling. As I learn to release the judgment within me, I feel the expansion. The sentiments come to the surface to be
recognized, heard, and understood.
They were there all along to guide me; to communicate a trigger and prompt me to ask why. At the end of the day, complete relationship to self-awareness is the key. By allowing my feelings to surface and making a NEW choice, I shift the experience. I do not react but only feel. Taking the conversation with self to a depth beyond anything I have ever endeavored, I navigate the depths of me.
If we allow this eclipse corridor, it will show us what lies beneath. With courage, one can ask why and begin to explore themselves at new lengths. With this vast understanding, recognition and release occur allowing us to experience the expansion that only we have held back. For me, it is that I do matter, that I am good enough, and maybe I am the divine being I know myself to be. This eclipse I step into the frequency of my divinity and I celebrate the human experience. I have learned what it feels like to live believing you are worthless and now I begin the next part of my journey, living while knowing I am worthy. When I know this, anger expresses itself differently with its messages to me.
Standing in my power, I do not need to stuff any feelings down. Because I know I am worthy of feeling. I am worthy and have a right to express myself. Living through this is precisely what I came to earth to do, to experience. Each day shows me so much more as I no longer have to dive deep to discover myself. I celebrate what lies beneath, with this choice, it no longer hides and happily comes to the surface for a new conversation.
~ I am reminded by a dear friend and my inner being, “If you could only see you the way I see you, you would know just how amazing you really are.”