These last few months, I have recognized within myself and those around me
an opening to see what had previously been hidden and a choice made to honor
the love of self.
I have spent most of my life pleasing others, shoving down, and
internalizing my discomfort with people and situations. As a child, I learned
if I was to survive, I had to make those around me happy. I had to be providing
something of value to maintain safety. I would often suck it up for the greater
good. 2019 was about boundaries, ego, and wow did I learn all about myself.
First, I recognized I had people in my life who would hang by my side only
if I agreed with them or supported their beliefs. I allowed them to tell me
what I was doing, thinking, and being was wrong. At 44 years old, why would I
do anything else? This bowing down to belong is what I had done my whole life
The change began suddenly with small boundaries and finding my sense of self
regardless of the outcome. It happened in little increments with people where I
stood firm in who I was where; as a result, I was not accepted. Most of my
relationships were conditional; as long as I was giving to others what they required,
I was acceptable. The feeling of being shunned brought up my fear of abandonment in a big way this year and I was happy to face it. Feeling my first taste of freedom this summer, I thought I had met the worst of my fears and finally found the courage to be me.
A half a lifetime of experiencing a mother who chose to retaliate and hurt me in
any way she could when I did not do as she wanted had instilled a fear of
bucking against any others’ ideas. I had become the reflection of what I
thought others saw or wanted to see and I placed others above my ability,
knowledge, and worth. Fear of this retaliation came to a head for the first
time when I decided I stand up against my mother and hold her accountable for
her actions of hurting me — suddenly deciding to change my behavior of dismissing
her acts and carrying on because of my need for acceptance and belonging. My
experience was one of a great deal of suffering at the hands of others and I
have learned how to avoid this pain; act like it wasn’t there and comply.
Over the years, I had thrown myself into the metaphysical and spiritual
community. Within this community, I would be safe, or so I thought. Of course,
these people must be more connected than I, with this virtue of unconditional
love I innately understood as the answer to all. However, the experiences were cult like and consisted of persistent belittlement, and ego backed behaviors. Complete lack of communication, where if someone disagreed they “pulled their energy”, consisting of forming secret groups and meeting where you are the topic of negative conversation and projection. Assumptions made about my intentions, while they were only veiled by the inner turmoil of those perceiving them. None of those I considered friends reached out to “talk” or to share unconditional space of love. Never choosing to support a friend like I thought one should, especially if they are struggling with healing. Support and communication is what I think is the healthy thing to do, but what do I know. It doesn’t seem to be a widely accepted ideal in our connected but so very disconnected society.
In all this, these relationships showed me exactly where my issues existed and it began a deep purge that has lasted to date. It was never about them; it was always about me. While I found that most within this community are just distracting themselves, the tumultuous relationships allowed me to see into the behaviors I had learned and created; the ones I now had to shift and release.
My mother went on one of her strange abandonment filled campaigns against me.
Although I didn’t even realize it, she had blocked me on social media and erased
my phone number and proceeded to spread rumors around town about me. Then she
wanted to borrow money and showed up like nothing happened, her role as the best
mother ever now in play. In the past, I would pretend nothing happened and provide what ever she needed at the time. But this time something in me said enough. I took a stand and said no, hence the first boundary. It is not okay to treat me this way and
then ask of me. Without fear, I stood my ground. Naturally, her response was to
attempt to hurt me; she disowned me, declared she no longer loves me.
Her attempts to hurt me, have increased in intensity the healthier I become. Each occurrence was eventually reaching this ultimate climax testing my fear of nonexistence and pure abandonment. Except this time it did something else, I experienced FREEDOM!
All those times it hurt me to the core, my own mother would do things like this to her daughter. When I look at my children, I am perplexed, but I then reflect on her upbringing. She has experienced a life full of abandonment and any time she felt even a slight moment of insecurity; her friend abandonment would come to steal the show. She views the world through this veil of illusion. I do not blame her; I am saddened that she sees the world this way. But it is a choice, a choice to accept the status quo. The way life is coming along or standing up and declaring no more. Taking the maximum responsibility that recognizing everything is a reflection from within.
Not pointing to the world around, it is not out there but inside and one must begin by looking within. The choice to heal and remove the veil by changing the frequencies of beliefs and behaviors. Determined to change my experiences was the choice I made and continue to make daily. These choices have led me to these last few months.
My pot usually is only half full, enough of me internalizing and not taking
my stand to keep the peace. Experience after experience began to show me where
I did not feel like I was worthy and I did not think I mattered. Interactions
reaffirmed this with those who treated me with no respect and showed their judgment
of me, each treating me as if I did not matter. My pot began to overflow. I could
see it was a reflection from within and suddenly, my inner goddess, my divine
being shouted out, “FUCK THIS” I am important, I matter, I am fucking AMAZING!
Enter the love of self; the decision to honor what it is that makes me happy
regardless of my belonging. Even if I stand alone, I accept and acknowledge my
perspectives, experiences, and beliefs. I celebrate me because she deserves it.
Many years ago in meditation, I had my guides message me, “if you
could only see you the way we do.” For a long time, I did not understand. I finally
see myself the way they see me or at least moving in that direction. I am without
a deficit, not striving to be more because I already am, despite anyone else’s
viewpoint or opinion. What they see or think isn’t about me, it is about them. What
I see is about me, whether it is in my conscious awareness or the reflection of
others. It is definitely all about me.
As I get close to the New Year, I feel myself getting naked, removing the veils, shaking off the layers, returning to my authentic state. The divine frequency, the frequency of me. The decision is made, complete self-love and respect it is! Because I can not change my experience of reality by changing it in the mirror.
2020 is about celebrating our unique self. Loving ourselves fully without shame or guilt. It is about a new expansion that breaks the chains and takes us into experiences we never dreamed possible. The compulsory detail, finding the unaltered
divine self-love within. Because what we value will be manifest this year!