I do not believe we should revisit the trauma we have experienced. But I do think we should work to understand how these experiences have shaped our beliefs about ourselves and our behaviors. It is through this understanding of ourselves that we can make the changes in our beliefs and behaviors, creating the experiences we prefer.
We are energy, and our experiences are energy. When we experience something that creates a belief within us, we carry that energy forward. I will give several examples from within my own life. I was adopted, the experience of my birth father not wanting me or caring for me while caring for and wanting his other children made me believe there was something wrong with me and that I was worthless. I continued to carry this belief forward. My mother and those surrounding me only treated me well if I gave them what they wanted. I learned that to survive; I had to make those around me happy. This belief carried forward to years of sexual abuse and through the eyes of a child I confirmed sex could provide me with safety and security. I could belong, receive the attention I needed, and what I thought was love if I had no boundaries but sought to please others. Their view of me is how I defined myself; useless unless I was providing something for someone. These experiences created behavior patterns and created the lens with which I view the world.
I believed over the last fifteen years that I had healed the trauma within me, and I had to a certain extent. First, I found the gift of each experience and how it created the events of my life leading me to this space. Then, I began to release the energy around the circumstances; it was time I faced the hidden shame and guilt I would feel when my mind uncontrollably returned to these experiences and I was there feeling and experiencing it all over again. I didn’t know it but this is PTSD. Not only did I hide from the shame and guilt, but I also had a brain injury.
Most people are resilient, and their brains are only slightly affected by trauma. There is no neurological damage. But for a few of us, neurological damage occurs. The wires within the brain become frayed. The body is always in a hyper state of awareness awaiting the next attack. Hormones are continuously being produced as if we are under attack. Even though I was healing my old wounds, I did not realize what all of this had done to my body and mind. I viewed the world through the lens of PTSD, one where I am under constant attack and never safe.
An example is I hear and see things that are not there. An email will read one way or a person will say something I perceived as an attack. Sometimes when I go back and reread or engage, I realize it was a veil of illusion caused by PTSD. Those things I read or heard simply were not there. This illusion is the pathways of my brain and I continue to work towards healing them.
My awareness of this finally came through as I worked to understand how or why we experience cycle after cycle of the same circumstances. Each time the people change and the situation ever so slightly but it is the same underlying storyline. The one I had created based on my beliefs and behaviors. And the only way to change the storyline was to change my beliefs and choices and heal my brain.
Over time, I have healed the core wounds enough that I no longer experience this sudden thrusting of mind removing me from my current reality and placing me back into my experience of trauma. The healing of this displacement was a massive piece because now that I do not uncontrollably re-experience the trauma. And as a consequence I was able to release the shame and guilt associated with it.
While I have healed greatly and continue to expand and evolve in ways I never dreamed of, I maintain a conscious and honest eye on my feelings and emotions. I attempt to remain in my heart, although at times, it is not easy. At the same time, I also concentrate on not comparing myself to others or allowing their judgments and assumptions to affect me. I have to tell myself I am worthy and I am enough. That there is nothing wrong with me. What others say or do has nothing to do with me; it is a reflection from within them. And if I am triggered, it isn’t because of someone else’s actions; it is because of my perception and what it stirs within me.
These spaces are the key to maintaining and understanding myself. There is nothing happening outside of me; it is all a reflection from within me, and it is all energy. If I want to experience new circumstances, a change in relationship dynamics, or feel new things, it will all have to come from within me. When I change the energy in motion by becoming aware and repetitively making new choices and reaffirming new beliefs, I change the story line and my experience of it.
~ A special thank you to my birth father and my adopted father, your continued push and active engagement to change our relationship in this NOW is all that matters. We all only do what we have been taught or programmed. We are only doing the best with what we have. It is no one’s fault. But your ability and willingness to be open to change for yourself to change the relationships and experiences means the world to me. That shows me just how much I am loved, and even though I am working on believing I am worth it no matter what anyone does or says, your unconditional love gives me that extra push and support. I love you and appreciate you ❤